More bridesmaid drama – need advice

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you can talk to her without seeming like a “bridezilla”. Just try to do it gently, explain that you know she is having money problems and if she wants to step down you understand. I would also talk to you MOH and tell her just to keep planning without the other BM. While its not fair to the other BMs who are helpful, it will also be less stressful to everyone if you stop relying on her to do anything other than show up. That way if she does chip in to help, its a bonus, but not expected. 

Post # 4
5661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think you’ve done your part. I also think your MOH is kind of being a pain by bothering you with this stuff. I would just tell your MOH to plan as if this girl was going to flake (which she probably is). How much is the remainder on the dress? I’d talk to her about her plan to come up with the money to pay the balance. Was she like this before you asked her to be a BM?

Post # 6
8818 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I think your BM is being a total b*tch. She agreed two years ago and is now changing her mind. She is being immature and selfish. I would have spoken up by this point and told her that if she didn’t want to be in the wedding, she should have said so 2 years ago.

I would definitely suggest talking to her. Don’t even worry about coming off as bridezilla, you’ve been far too nice with her. Tell her you want a yes or no answer if she wants to be in the wedding.

Post # 7
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think its hard having the same expectation on how every bridesmaid should be during the wedding planning.  I knew 6 of my BM would be amazingly helpful, excited to plan my shower/bach party and want to know all the details on the wedding. My other BM, one of my best and longest friends, just by knowing her so well I knew she would be the last to get the dress, probably not respond to emails, not have much money to contribute, or have much to do with the wedding in general. Because that simply wasn’t her!  It didn’t mean she didn’t love me, it didn’t change our friendship, she stood 2nd to my MOH and will always be a dear friend even though she wasn’t the type to research hotels or make flower centerpieces for the shower it didn’t change how she has always been there in every part of my life for me. Just remember why you asked her to be a BM in the first place, a wedding is just 1 day.

  Also, if she doesn’t have the money to buy the dress still, it’s probably frustrating geting emails about other things that she has to finacially contribute too?

Post # 7
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yeah it seems more like she just does not want to be a part of it more than money because if she has no money how is she making “Other” plans to do anything. Just about everything you do cost something these day. That would come across to me as the same as saying “I have better things I want to do or spend my money on”.   Of course I could be totally wrong but I typically think more realistic then naïve.  

If it really is she has NO money, maybe she don’t want to go to the bach party or shower because she can’t pay for anything/bring a gift and is embarrassed. Having to constantly say I can’t afford it wares on a person and bring you down. That would explain why she is not answering the e-mails as well.

If you really want her to be in your wedding party and she just has zero to provide just say to her “Being there for me and some of your time is really all required, as my friend I just want you to be able to be a part of it an if it’s just not workable in your finances well works something out don’t worry about it”.  Or something of that nature because at this point if she has no money there is nothing more you can do.  I hope you work it out soon. 

Post # 9
897 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I just wanted to tell you I think we have the same bridesmaid, lol! My “best friend” started out as my MOH. She missed my first appointment when I tried on dresses because “she was pregnant and it’s not like she could try anything on” – it was for ME, not her (which is why she didn’t come). The worst part is she didn’t tell me she wasn’t coming, just didn’t show up and gave me that excuse later. One of my other bridesmaids set up something with her to discuss my shower. She specifically set it up to meet at the MOH’s house since she never actually shows up for anything. SHE WASN’T EVEN HOME! That made me so mad, it’s one thing to stand me up and waste my time but when someone else I care about gets wrapped up in her web then I have a serious problem and that’s when I finally told her that it seemed like she wasn’t interested at all not only in the wedding but in our friendship and we mutually decided she should step down to a bridesmaid. Then came the bridesmaids dress appointment that she missed as well. She had her boyfriend call me 5 minutes into the appointment to tell me she was sick and couldn’t make it and just to order her an 8. I explained that I couldn’t just order it, she had to be fitted (which when she finally went she needed a 10). Then came the shoe appointment this past weekend. She didn’t show up and I got a text 6 hours later stating that she spontaneously went to Georgia to visit her brother and wouldn’t be back to April. Well my shower is March 24th, the date she picked when she was the MOH, so she won’t be at my shower either, which leaves even more on my friend that stepped up as my MOH. Just to be clear before I get jumped on – I made sure she was available for every single appointment before I made it, I didn’t just expect her to show up without checking with her first. I have tried to include her and made sure everyone was happy with the dress and let them pick their own shoes. It’s not that she’s not into weddings, I was a bridesmaid with her before, yes she wasn’t the best bridesmaid then either but, nowhere near how she is now and her and I are closer than her and the other bride were. I have been nothing but a great friend to her – I have been there for her for everything. I have left work to sit with her for hours while she was in labor, helped her set up her babies room, helped her register, helped her plan her daughters first birthday party, and the list could go on. My main thing is if you can’t make it or don’t want to come then tell me beforehand, not hours after an appointment you said you “couldn’t wait for”. It’s not money related either, trust me she has money and she has no problem spending it, lol! I didn’t expect a shower or a bachelorette party from anyone, this is something they wanted to do for me so this isn’t about my expectations being too high. Honestly, I would like her to be a little more excited or happy for me since she is supposed to be my best friend. I was there for her every step of the way with her pregnancy although I wasn’t pregnant at the time or necessarially interested but, it’s what she was involved with at the time so I was there and involved for her. I know I will probably get jumped on for expecting too much even though I don’t think I am at all and I don’t think the OP is expecting too much either. Friends should be happy and excited for friends who are happy and excited regardless if it’s their cup of tea or not. I am honestly terrified she won’t pick her dress up when it comes in or won’t get alterations or will be late to the rehearsal dinner or even late or a no show to the wedding at this point.

Post # 10
897 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Legallyblondiebride:  Sorry, I hijacked your thread and went on my own little rant without really offering you too much information, lol! When I did talk to the original MOH, who is now the bridesmaid I am having trouble with, we came to a mutual, no hurt feelings, agreement that she should step down. I will say, I know a lot of people say not to do it over text but, for her and I it really worked. It gave me time to think about what I was going to say back to her without saying something mean or hurtful. I was able to read and reread my texts before I sent them. If we would have done it over the phone or face-to-face I don’t know if it would have been so nice because sometimes in the heat of the moment you say things you don’t mean. So, I would text her and just nicely say something like this “Hey, I know you really haven’t been too involved or interested in much of this wedding planning stuff and I know money has been really tight for you lately as well. I just wanted to let you know that if you wanted to drop out I would completely understand and not hold it against you at all. If you want to still be in the wedding party and just need a little help please know you can reach out to me and I will do whatever I can to help you. You mean a lot to me and I just want to make sure we are both happy and not stressed about this.”

Post # 13
1383 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First of all, I think your MOH should keep you out of this.  These are parties they throw for you, your only involvement should be a guest list and maybe a possible theme/dishes you like.  You definitely should not be told about internal bridesmaid drama.

When you say this: I understood her situation and told her that the only thing I would “expect” out of her would be to purchase a BM dress, help with a shower, help with a bach party, show up to the rehearsal, and show up to the wedding

It sounds like you don’t think you have high expectations of your bridesmaids.  But these are high expectations.  I know she said she would start saving for stuff, and you did not request that of her, but financial situations come up, especially after two years, and people aren’t always in the same spots that they were in.

I don’t think its unreasonable for her to go to a family party over a bachelorette.  Perhaps she didn’t know the party was scheduled for the same day as the family party.

And to PPs – it doesn’t matter what else this girl spends her money on.  That isn’t anyone’s concern but her own.  She bought her dress.  She shouldn’t need to contribute to a bachelorette she isn’t attending.  We have no idea what is going on in this person’s life, so we can’t say she should give up nights of going out.

Post # 15
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

why cant she afford a dress? i’m a freakin full time nursing student, and nanny occasionally and i could still scrounge up 200$ “if i wanted to” she sounds irresponsible, like she really doesn’t care. tell her whats up. sounds like this is a character issue.

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