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Um. Meddling much?
I think your SO is just meddling too much and trying to force something. And, he's allowing his mother to do all this stuff anyways. When, in reality, he shoudl just say "ok i'll talk to her about it" and leave it AT THAT. Or, be aware of what you've done for her and say "mom, you're blowing it out of proportion. She always tries to help" or "hey, she's not SIL".
Personally, I wouldn't allow myself to have a "sit down discussion with his mommy with him present to supervise the situation" b/c that's how it reads. I would just continue to be the person that I am. Ask to help, etc, but not try to be someone I"m not in order to "fit" into the family better. Long story short, I'm not going to kiss a bunch of butt to fit into a family if he wants to marry me. I"ll be plesaant and nice, but c'mon!
He is worth the fight you say, but I don't see him doing much for you except having an awkward conversation with his mom about how much she dislikes you/you're not like SIL and then forcing some sit-down chit chats about how to make nice more.
And why did he ask you to call her on her bday anyways? that's just weird to me. It's not something I"d do....instead, DH AND I would probably take her out to dinner. But it wouldn't be "expected" of me to call and leave a voicemail. Then him CHECK UP on the phone call and ask me to call again. Really, what is he doing? It's very strange to me. He's trying much to hard. He needs to chill and stop forcing it.
I know. This was my initial response also, but this is how his family operates. I feel like something is going on but I'm not quite sure. He's been making a huge presentation about how I need to learn a little bit about Islam, how he wants me to reach out to his parents, how I should call his father and thank him for some books he got for me. I asked him about this last night and he said this is how he feels I should be. It's important to him that I be a part of his family.
But I'm not a part of his family, and I feel it is presumptuous for me to act like that.
ugh, it irritates me to no end when a mother thinks she should be treated like the queen just because she birthed a son. I can't even imagine what you are dealing with because I am fortunate to have a wonderful mother-in-law but I have read so many post on here about awful ones and it makes me so mad for you girls!
I fully agree with you that because you are still not engaged, there should be no expectations on you to wine and dine and fall all over his mother. Even after your engaged, no one should be expected to interview with a mom to marry someone. To be honest I wouldn't have even called his mom to say Happy Birthday and apologize for not being there - it's HIS mother, not yours. I'm glad you stood up to Mr. Taco and that he listened and is supporting you but he needs to get over his mom. This woman sounds manipulating and your boyfriend is in for a lifetime of misery and loneliness if he doesn't start letting his mom's comments and "requirements for his girlfriends" roll off his back. Good luck!
First off, I think it would be great if you could get him to see a counselor with you. Not that this is necessarily going to be some huge 'issue' but often it's great to have an impartial third party giving advice. I think maybe he needs to hear from a third party that he is marrying YOU, that YOU are his future wife and will be his primary family unit, not mom.
Second, I don't know if sitting down and having 'A Talk' about FMIL's issues with you is going to be that productive. It seems likely that this could just lead to a fight. Instead, I might lay out some very clear expectations with FI. What exactly does he expect you to do here? Be present for all family birthdays? Offer at least once to help in the kitchen when you visit? Maybe outline specifically what he expects so that you are on the same page, and it's not this out-of-the-blue "I had no idea I was supposed to do this but now it's a big disappointment that I didn't" stuff.
And maybe turn the tables a bit and put some of the onus on FMIL as well! Ask FI what she has done to make you feel welcome in the family or to put you at ease. It shouldn't all be one-sided, i.e., what you're doing for them.
This def needs to be a conversation and understanding between the BF and you, not his mother. It seems as though you are doing above and beyond what a GF should do. I would never have called my FI mom on her bday (nor do I do now that we are engaged!) You are not engaged, you are not his SIL, you are you and this mother is getting exactally what she wants bc your BF is letting her behave this way.
Good luck girl stay strong -- do not become a person you are not for this man's mother!
I hope I don't sound harsh b/c I really feel your pain...but it sounds to me like before your BF will consider you marriage material...he is trying to mold you into what his FAMILY expects his wife should be. You say he is worth fighting for but I am not reading where he is telling his mom to chill out...I am not seeing where he is accepting you for you. What I am seeing is him paying lip service to seeing your side while at the same time his actions are clearly telling you that he is siding with his family's wants and wishes. You guys aren't engaged so why are you having to make nice and have all of this interaction with his mom anyway? It just seems too forced to me. Before you continue the relationship perhaps you and he need to have a serious conversation about what your expectations are regarding your relationship.
Ugh. What does he say when you point out that you aren't part of the family? I wonder what his mom would say if you sweetly pointed that out during your dinner and how you were brough up to expect politeness from strangers.
I don't know, your FI has unreasonable expectations and one sided ones at that.
This isn't real advice (would be disastorous in practice) but I'd be tempted to be a total rude bitch for a week or two. Be cold to his mom, demanding, totally inconsiderate of his family commitments, rude etc. so he can see how you're being very nice to his family - not something you have to do and they are the ones that are not returning the favor. Ugh.
Again not something you can actually say but I'd love to tell her during the dinner "I find it so immature when people speak badly of each other behind a person's back." "I think it's so impolite to complain about the gifts you've freely chosen to give." "It's unfortuante how your behaivor makes me questions my desire to be with your son." "Why would I want to be part of a family that treats me badly?"
Also, what are some of the ways he's changing to suit what you want? What are the major compromises he is making?
Ok, just went back and read some of your old posts to get some more perspective on the topic. So FI is actually waiting to propose to you until his family sort of 'approves' you?
I dunno girl, this might be about the time I laid down an ultimatum or two for him. I usually advise against that but I think in this case it might be worth it to say "Look, I am interested in you, not in being at the beck and call of your family. You need to support me and want to marry me for who I am, or maybe we need some time apart."
When ladies have a scary FMIL with a great, supportive FI it's different, but if he's also pressuring you to bend to his family's whims then I would be worried. To be fair, this might very much be a cultural thing. Just know that whatever the root cause, it won't go away by itself if you get married. Best of luck honey!
ummmmm.... Im a little confused. Why are you expected to help clean at her house? since when do you expect GUESTS to help you cook or clean when you invite them over? Is she disabled and need assistance in the house? ummmm...i think you might be setting your self up for a life of slavery dear.
Sooo, he expects you to conform to what his family expects of you before he proposes? And he's holding this over your head, and you've only been dating for 10 months?
Wow. Major flags all over the place with this one. What is going to happen if you marry this man? Will his family dictate how you raise your future children, or where you live, or where you go on vacation? It doesn't seem like your boyfriend (who I assume is roughly your age - early 30's?) has disconnected from his family to live his own life.
Ok, how about this: Stop trying to get FMIL to like you, just keep being polite, offering to help out, whatever, whatever... Maybe you should try to spend more time with FBIL, and FSIL....sounds like FMIL loves FSIL. If FSIL starts to like you, and talk positively about about in front of FMIL---wa la! You may just suddenly have fixed some problems.
I don't know what to tell you. I really don't know anything other than what you mentioned in the post above, but to me, it sounds like you have been really trying to do things to please her, make her like you, etc.
I see a few problems here that I don't think are even in your control:
1). FMIL is making your BF chose her or you. What I mean is that she is creating a rift between you two and making your BF chose what side he is going to be on. Right now, it sounds like he is chosing his mother's side. Is this a bad thing? Well, if you were engaged, then yes it is. BUT since you aren't engaged and you have only been together for 10 months, which really isn't that long, I think it isn't that big of a deal if he shows over time that he is attaching himself more to you and less to her.2
2). FMIL clearly does not want to lose his baby boy. She clearly thinks she is losing him to you so she is trying to create a rift and problems between you two when problems don't exist. You mentioned that FSIL has been in the family for 8 years. This makes me think that over time, as you and BF are together longer and longer, FMIL will take more to you.
At this point, since you aren't engaged and you haven't even been together a year yet, I would express concerns to your BF about his mother causing issues between you two, but I wouldn't get overly distraught over this. Over time, see if she starts coming around and warming up to you. She may be acting this way because she sees how serious you two are and is scared to lose her "little boy."
I hope that things improve for you, but I in the meantime, just keep trying your best to make a good impression on them. Good luck!!
Thanks everyone. I appreciate all of the different advice tremendously.
I have told him that she's been this way from the beginning, and I suppose I didn't clarify in the initial post that he sees this as well. Although we had a serious discussion about it when he came home, we had a follow-up talk after I cooled down to speak rationally. He does see that she is having some issues, and he just wants me to continue doing what I've done. I came up with the idea to speak with her directly about it because I don't want her to think that I don't hear this from his end. While I know I have nothing to apologize about, I want to make it clear that if she feels I am upsetting her that she speak with me directly. I do see she may actually be trying to wedge between us, because he is the only man she can 100% rely on.
I am going to make my statement in his presence to her, and continue to be the person I have been going forward.
Are you Islamic too? I'm just curious. The rest of this is all IMHO, obviously I'm just an outsider and not in the relationship so I don't know the nitty gritty, but I'm not sure that you should have to work at making the mom like you. Either she likes you for you or it won't matter what you do and you can spend the rest of your life trying and walking on eggshells. And your BF needs to accept that is how it's going to be otherwise you will spend the rest of your lives with him going in between. You can try @Louboutin's advice and just wait things out and see if they get better but I'm with @Arachna, @Circus, and @April that there should be some red flags here. How is he changing? Is he always going to have his mother's side and what does he think he is accomplishing by sharing what she said about you? What's going to happen when she doesn't like how you feed your child? Or when you got her a book for Christmas but should've known she wanted an apron? She's worse than crazy and you will probably have to work harder at your marriage to make it last. Again, all in my opinion but if you have the chemistry and love that my FI and I have, I would've fought for it too.
"it's important for me to be a part of his family"
Well yes. But at some point YOU BECOME HIS FAMILY. You don't just "join in".
He isn't ready to marry you until he can stand on his own two feet and decide you are it. Not "you are it ONLY if my family loves you buncnes and bunches and gives their final seal of approval"
And if he wants you to be "family", he better put a ring on it.
But, IMO, you choose your wife to be your "family" before you actually propose. Don't you deccide long before you want them to be your family? His actions don't show that to me.
Nope, I'm not Muslim at all. And he has already told me his stance - which was that what she says doesn't matter, I am absolutely worth everything. That should have been enough for me. I have a habit of overanalyzing.
Save for the issues we've had over his mother - which have just cropped up over the last few weeks, everything is fine. He's more than I would have imagined any human being ever being towards me. He supports every decision for personal growth I've had. He loves and nurtures me. He inspires me to be a better person. We laugh all of the time, and the only tears I've had have been of joy except for this situation. I never thought I would really care, but I do.
I think I am going to ask him to go with me to premarital counseling.
I think that's a wise idea. A totally indifferent 3rd party person will be able to help you guys see what's normal and what's not.
Maybe he's acting so koooky the last couple of weeks b/c he's indeed going to actually propose?? Hm. Who knows, but IMO, actionms speak louder than words. I hope he stops meddling so much and lets your relationship with his mom progress naturally.
To be honest with you it sounds like that may be the case. I don't want to call him out on it, but he's been acting like this is happening and his mother is now being different. I think that is also why suddenly it has become important that I learn about his religion in a very basic sense, and any other family issues that may be coming to light.
We'll see though.
I wonder how much of this has to do with cultural differences. Is the SIL from the same culture/religion?
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Hi everyone!
I thought things blew over on the misunderstanding about dinner, but apparently not. This weekend I was out with my best friend, who I have not seen in about a month. Mr. Tacos informed me it was FMIL's birthday, and could I please call her. So I did, it went straight to voicemail, and I left a message apologizing I could not be there (as he didn't tell me until that day).
While I was out with my friend, I get an email from Mr. Tacos saying his mom did NOT get a voicemail, that my call didn't show up in her call log, and could I please try again? 10 minutes later I get another email saying the VM finally came up.
I brushed it off. Mr. Tacos arrived home Sunday and had a serious conversation with me. Apparently when he took his mother out to lunch, she had said it was nice having FSIL over and how she helps around the kitchen, etc. Apparently she then said that I never help, which is totally untrue because I have ALWAYS asked to help and she tells me not to worry about it. She also brought up the dinner situation again and how she feels slighted. I am sure much more was said, but he hasn't told me. I sat there with my mouth open and I didn't say anything for a long time. I'm hurt that she said these things. I can understand if it was just the dinner misunderstanding, but now she has told him I never offer to help her and also she buys me gifts and does so much. I had to actually remind Mr. Tacos how many gifts I've gotten her over the last few months, and how I offer to help her do whatever is needed.
He understands and has taken my side on points I've brought up. He said he will be more aware of our interactions now, which is fine. But I never wanted this. I don't want a FMIL who doesn't like me, and I have no idea how to tackle it. FSIL and I are different people. She is ENGAGED and I am not. She has been a part of the family for 8 years and I have been with Mr. Tacos for 10 months.
I am not one for friction, but he believes there is friction now between myself and his parents respectively. I haven't done anything wrong.
I love him and he is absolutely worth the fight. But where do I even begin to try to mend this? He wants to be present during the discussion we have, so he has invited her to dinner on Friday before she goes out of town. I have thought about having a phone call, but he said this should probably be discussed in person. I have also thought of driving the 60 mile trip to her house some evening alone... but I'm afraid she's just going to say she doesn't like me.
What would you do? He's now saying he feels I should act like a future daughter in law, but this isn't the way I was raised. I'm not engaged and I feel pulled into a direction I haven't gotten the right to be in.