Post # 1
I wrote quite a few months ago about my mom’s boyfriends children being invited. That drama was resolved when my fiance spoke to my mother’s boyfriend about it and he completely understood about his kids not being invited. My mother is still pouting but oh well.
Here’s a new situation……
My Fiance and I are to be married in a church and after are taking our guests to a lovely restaurant for dinner. As it is a second wedding for us both we are keeping the guest list very small (35) as we want only our immediate family and closest friends in attendence.
My sister disagrees with me and is insisting that her boyfriend of not quite a year should be invited as her date. I have only met her boyfriend a few times. Because we want the wedding to stay very intimate we are only inviting guests as a couple if they are married, enagaged, or living together.
If I invite my sister’s boyfriend that would open up the floodgates for all single guests to bring a date (I have 5 single siblings). Our wedding day is going to be very emotional for my Fiance and I and I selfishly don’t want to be surrounded by strangers. Also, the private room where we are having the dinner will only accomodate 37 people.
My sister and I are in our early 30’s and she knows most of the other guests very well. Am I in the wrong?
Aside from the guest list planning this wedding has been drama free and that’s the way I want to keep it!
Post # 3
@Penelopeee: I think you should invite the sister’s boyfriend. A year is a long time to be dating particularly in your early 30s and I know my SO and I were quite serious when we were a little less than a year out. I considered him to be likely to become a part of the family. He was invited on a family vacation 4 mos into our relationship, as we were very, VERY serious (and my parents had only met him once.)
My sister, who was single and not with anyone at the time, was not allowed to invite anyone.
You don’t have to give plus ones to all your siblings, but it would be nice to include your sister’s boyfriend (and any other long term significant others). Its quite possible that she and he are talking marriage, etc. I would not extend plus ones to unattached siblings since you want to keep the wedding small. She may consider him part of the family already particularly as she is requesting he come, and he should probably be treated as such by you. Just consider it as an opportunity to get to know your sister’s partner better and integrate him into the family.
Post # 4
I’m firmly in the camp that all SO’s need to be invited regardless of how long the couple has been dating or whether or not you have me them. I really hate the rule where one only invities SO’s if they are married, engaged, or living together. Some couples have been together for YEARS but not engaged for whatever reason so how do you tell them their relationship isn’t worthy enough for them to be invited together. Or what about the couple who choses to live apart until they are married? How is it fair that they aren’t invited together but the couple that moved in together after 3 months is?
Remember, even though it’s your wedding day, it stops becoming all about you the moment you decide to inclue other people. I also find it hypocritical to invite people to celebrate your love and relationship but ignore theirs.
Now, I will say that just because you invite the BF doesn’t mean you have to give every single guest a +1. You only need to invite the SO’s of those in a commited relationship. If a guest is truely single, it’s perfectly fine to just invite the guest by him/herself.
Post # 5
Your sister’s bf should be invited. Dating someone for a year in your 30s is very different than dating someone for a year in college or your early 20s. Just because you haven’t met him many times, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t consider the relationship serious.
Inviting your sister’s bf doesn’t mean you need to invite all of your siblings with a date, unless they are also in relationships. I agree with @lawyerchick13 – its a good opportunity to get to know him better, especially because he is so important to your sister.
Post # 6
I don’t think it will open the floodgates unless all your other siblings have SOs of about the same time. There are tons of people who live together who haven’t been together as long as some people who don’t live together. I would invite him just to avoid the drama. You can still refuse to let people bring dates just for the sake of bringing a date, but it’s no fun to go to a wedding alone when you have to leave your SO at home.
Post # 7
1) A year is a long enough time to consider someone a partner and not just a date. Especially when one is in their 30s.
2) Inviting a semi-LT partner does not mean you have to invited the truly unattached guests with dates.
3) Is this the hill you want to die on?
Post # 8
I personally don’t think that criteria is very good because some people move in together after a few months while others (for various reasons) wait. I don’t think you should judge the seriousness of someone’s relationship and TBH at that age I think almost a year is fairly serious. However, that is the criteria you set and if it was say a cousin or friend I would say not to give in.
But since it’s your sister, I would let her bring him. He could be your BIL someday and really I think siblings are close enough to you that they should be able to bring a plus one even if they are not in a relationship.
So, to sum that all up- I think you should let him come.
Post # 9
I think it’s terribly rude to not invite your sister’s boyfriend. Like others said, at 30, a year is a long time.
Post # 10
If he means enough to her that she felt she wanted him there, then he should be there. She’s your sister, he could potentially be your brother-in-law in the future (who knows) so you should allow her to have him there. It’s not your place to decide how serious their relationship is. Sorry.
Post # 11
Ok- then if I invite him what about my 21 year old sister’s boyfriend? Invite him as well?
Post # 12
@Penelopeee: If you are only inviting spouses, BOYFRIENDS (or fiances) are not spouses. You invite who you want. End of story.
Post # 13
So once OP adds this b/f, and the 21 yr old sibling’s S/O, and surely someone else is going to chime in asking that their partner be included as well, she is going to +1 herself out of her planned venue. If ANYTHING, I’d think that siblings should be more ‘accomodating’ to her request to not bring dates (of any kind) since they WILL know others at the event – their family. Also, this does not sound to me like the usual “reception” that is a big party, dancing, etc. It sounds more like a dinner-only reception, and the OP wants to keep it small & intimate. I don’t mean to sound like I’m minimizing & simplifying this second marriage for the OP; rather, I can appreciate where she is coming from. As she stated, it has significant meaning/emotion for them, and I can certainly appreciate not feeling super ‘comfortable’ sharing those emotions in a room filled with strangers or people who aren’t that close to me.
OP – I say stick to your plan on this one, and ask your sister to understand things from your perspective. It IS your day, and I don’t mean that in the “be a bridezilla” sense; rather, I understand you want to feel comfortable being emotional on what is generally a very emotional day for couples, and you shouldn’t have that diminished because of attendance “etiquette” for non-close boyfriends of guests. And when I say that, I don’t mean to diminish anyone’s relationship that is not an engagement, marriage, etc. Personally, if I were close to the sister’s b/f, I probably wouldn’t mind including him, but it doesn’t sound like OP is that close to him to feel comfortable baring herself emotionally in a room of semi-strangers … hell, I wouldn’t either!
Post # 14
@Penelopeee: Because this will open up a flood gate, her boyfriend needs to stay home. If you invite hers, you will have to invite your other sisters. There are 2 more people as well. You could end up with 5 ‘dates’ from your siblings and that will put you over capacity.
It’s easy for someone to sit behind a computer screen and judge.
I think she can spend on evening away from him.
Post # 15
@Penelopeee: I totally get why you might not feel inclined to invite him, but I do think you should extend the invite. It might be a nice opportunity to get to know him better. Are your other single siblings dating anyone or have a you to bring? If the rest are single, I’m sure they would understand not extending a +1 to them as well. Or at the end of the day explain to you siblings that the restaurant holds 37, you’re at capacity, but maybe they could come after dinner and have a drink or something? Will there be dancing? Come for the party part maybes?
Post # 16
@Penelopeee: Yes. SO’s should always be invited. You budget for food, you budget for drinks, you budget for a dress, you budget for flowers, you need to budget for SOs.