Weddingbee boards

So for the most part I try to avoid divulging too much personal information on the internet in case a friend can recognize stuff.  But right now I need some bee-love and bee-advice.

I'm venting b/c I've talked this to death with my Fiance and it really hasn't gone anywhere we feel it should--no definitiveness (he's sick right now, so I can understand him not wanting to discuss anything too wedding related).

A little background info, we're both students (he has 2 yrs left and I have 3 semesters) and we both work 30 hr/wk (40 during school breaks).  The reason why we work that much is so we can pay our rent, utilities, and food w/o taking out more student loans.  Plus our state university tuition costs are more than the maximum amount of federal subsidized and unsubsidized loans (so we have to make up the difference with our jobs).   I actually quit the 4 year school to go to a community college (changed major twice) so that it's cheaper and I can get out in the workplace faster (I'll go back once Fiance has a full time job). It's difficult but we manage.  However, this has caused great stress for wedding planning.

People may ask "are your parents helping?" No, our parents are not helping with either tuition, living expenses, and wedding.  When we turned 18, we became adults and so as adults we feel it necessary to pay for everything.  I don't expect them to help, it's not their jobs.  (It sucks though and I'll explain why later)

Unfortunately, there are a lot obligatory invites.  People neither of us are familiar with but because his parents are friends with, we are expected to invite them.  His family is large and that has caused a burden on our guest list.  If I had the money, I would be more than happy to invite everyone (our dream guest list is 130 people).  We'd be thrilled to invite everyone and I know some of you bees understand the obligatory invite thing.  I know that they're not paying, but I feel like they have this expectation that if we can't afford to pay for their obligatory invites then we shouldn't be getting married.  However, we settled on a guest list of 30 people--no friends, only immediate family and priests--later we'd have a large party on our 1st or more likely, 2nd anniversary to invite everyone who we couldn't the first time around.

We had settled on a date in May of 2011 because it was during Easter season when decorations would still be up (we're Catholic and trying to avoid decoration costs).  When we were just dating and we weren't considering getting married until after he graduated, but his engineering program has a series of courses that cannot be taken concurrently and he got behind.  I had a little bit of savings that generated after my federal tax return, but one of my student loans came due from transferring (it wasn't large but it definitely needed to be paid down).  We figured this summer, we could save up for our wedding in May and then add it to the tax return I'll get back after I file 2010's taxes and we'd be good.  However, a lot of other necessary expenses came up and we'll have little savings from this summer.  He really doesn't have any, I do and I try to in case something bad happens.  After encountering these issues, we decided maybe postponing would be a better option.  Perhaps August 2011, but we keep thinking that more expenses are going to happen.  We cut out the idea of having a real honeymoon so that we can get married (we'd go camping if all else fails--not really dreamy but I'm okay with that).  We also decided to have our reception at a restaurant b/c it's cheaper than catering.

My plan is next summer (May) to get a full time job (in this economic climate, that's not guaranteed), get health coverage, and go to school part time until he graduates and has his job.  I've priced out the cost of health insurance and car insurance, and I know I can swing it if I have a full time job even if it's only to have private catastrophic plan.  I value organization and plans and not fearing that I'm going to be homeless or be indebted for the rest of my life if I accidentally get appendicitis (major fear of mine).

I've sacrificed thus far on everything and I'm unhappy.  The only thing I really want is to marry him.  Eloping in a courthouse is out of the question because we're Catholic and need to get married in a Catholic Church by a priest.  Eloping with a priest is a suggestion we've considered, we'd only have his parents and my sister there, but again, his parents think that if we have to do that then we shouldn't get married.  I feel stressed out about everything (I know a lot of you feel the same way).  I even took a week or so off from weddingbee and wedding related thinking to clear my head and it hasn't helped.

The last option we have is to wait until after he graduates and has a job, but that will be 2+ years from now.  My heart aches that all I want to do is marry him and that money and parental obligation is the reason that is keeping us from it.  It's like follow your heart or listen to your wise brain.  It sucks sometimes having to be responsible.

Recently I updated my facebook about being indecisive and unable to commit to a wedding date, a friend from my high school wrote that she better be invited (she's done this a couple of times, once when we announced our engagement and once when I wrote that we have picked our first date).  I'd love to invite her but she isn't in the 30 person list and I'm not close enough to her anymore to justify inviting her over friends that I'm closer to now.  I rarely mention wedding things on facebook b/c I know it can be a sore subject with certain people (his siblings like to tell his parents my status updates) and I don't like getting those comments where I feel guilty about knowing I won't be able to invite them.  What can I say to them?  Shoot them a private message and say what?  His parents are starting to ask lots of questions about when we'll be getting married, and we don't know.  We keep using the excuse we need to talk to the priest, but I'm not sure how much the priest is going to help.

Thanks for reading through this novel, any advice would be appreciated.

Just so you all know, our bare bones wedding budget is $2000.

@Daisylynn:Well we'd still get married in a Catholic Church, but it would only be his parents and my sister.  We'd definitely go out to eat afterwards.  I'm kind of afraid our priest and his parents would be like "hells to no, you need to invite more people."  Thanks for the FB advice, I'm going to take it!

Catholic Church only finds marriages valid within the Church and by a priest.

@starrynight:Well I really don't have a mother (weird response, I know), she left my sister and me with my dad when we were babies.  My dad is estranged from me due to some abuse from the past.  Fiance's family is quite well aware of this.  I could force a relationship with my dad, but it's for my emotional well being if I don't.

Also, we do have church fees for our wedding.  It would be around $500 with the priest stipend, use of church, and pianist.

@macgal06:Thanks for the prayers, we really need them!  Actually we're 21, but we'll be 22 in the next two months :)

We're kind of afraid of having an outdoor reception b/c Indiana weather is very unpredictable.  In May, it can rain, be tornadic, snow, or be 95 degrees...

@ashlee0814:That's sound advice, I just worry that I'll send out wedding invites and find out that the date needs to be changed.

@Daisylynn:Thanks so much!  The priest we asked to marry us is kind of conservative and he was in the banking industry before he became a priest, so I'm kind of afraid he'll be like "that's fiscally irresponsible."  Although, worst case scenario, we could ask another priest.

@macgal06:It's a consideration, thanks for the idea :)  We have a really lovely park near where we live that we could utilize that does have pavilions.

@ashlee0814:Thanks for the advice!  It's good to know we only have to send them out 6 weeks prior.  We were kind of afraid that we need to send them out earlier b/c the town we reside in has a huge university that throws lots of events that use the local hotels.

@fontgoddess:  Well I don't want to alienate his parents, I want to stay on good terms.  His siblings are also pressuring us about not getting married unless we can afford a bigger wedding.  Thank you for the prayers!

@fitzly: We've spoken to a priest, but we haven't done anything serious.  We still need to take the FOCUS inventory and do the mandatory pre-cana weekend.  I've looked up the diocesan requirements on it, and they have a calendar of available pre-cana weekends.

@sudslover:Thanks sudslover for a parental perspective!  My in-laws taught my Fiance not to discuss money (which by the way, I disagree with doing).  I think I'm going to stick to my guns and only invite who Fiance and I want to given the financial situation.  I don't think asking my in-laws for money or help is going to work.  They are upper middle class but both of his siblings and their families are living at home with them. Right now the middle child is having trouble finding a job after getting a master's and the oldest and her husband have two kids, he was laid off from his engineering job and just got a new one, so they're trying to get on their feet.  I don't feel comfortable asking them b/c 1)they'll decline and 2)they have a lot on their plate unfairly placed by their other children.

@fontgoddess: I think we should hash it out, but I don't want to be the one speaking for both of us...like them thinking "who is she to dictate how our son's wedding is going to be?"  I think part of their perspective is they already went through a wedding with their daughter.  Her daughter's husband comes from quite a large family and they have a lot of connections with bakeries, caterers, reception site, etc.  So a lot of that was covered through gifting which is great!  So I think they're finding that we should be able to figure it out.  Another thing is we were going to invite 70 people to the wedding but have hor d'oerves and cake/punch reception b/c our wedding time would be 1 p.m. with reception immediately following.  When FMIL found out, she was livid.  She said "I guess now I'll have to throw together a dinner at the hotel for just our family!"  So FI and I made the decision to cut the list in order to take everyone out to dinner.

@sudslover:  Thanks!  She was kind of saying that annoyed.  Although, I guess I can't win with them.  Although, it would have been nice to be like "really, that would be great!"  Not sure Fiance would like that idea though.

@daydreamwanderer: Yeah, that's what I was thinking especially since it'll be mid-afternoon!

@ccranetobe:  We considered doing that, having cake and punch and then a nice dinner for later in the day.  However, pretty much every guest is coming from out of town and we couldn't justify doing something for some guests and not the rest even though it is a good idea!

@edisonsgirl:  So I spoke to Fiance last night and told him that we must sit down with his family and hash this out.  He's leaning towards the May date and I'm kind of leaning towards the August date to me a little more careful.  My only issue is, if I do find a job in April/May I don't know how much vacation time I'd accrue, or if any, by either wedding times.  If that's the case, we'd have to have the wedding on a weekend (we're going to have it on a Friday) and take an overnight stay at a local National Park.  I think in the next month or so we'll be visiting his parents and laying our budget out (how much goes where, etc).

Thanks everyone!  I'm still up for more advice if you have anymore, but I definitely feel better about our situation.

I have a few ideas for ya:

1. Cake & punch receptions are awesome! I had one (we had like 250 guests & we had barely any $$). EVERYONE loved it!

2. Potluck reception. My friend did this & all her family & friends were happy to help out & no one thought it was wierd. Everyone had fun & there was a wide variety of food.

3. Small wedding & then have a reception later. Like a month or 2 later (3 months at most). Have it be a potluck reception if $$ is tight at a friend's backyard or at the park. You could wear your wedding clothes again too :).

4. You could get married inside & then have the reception outside.

5. Have a honeymoon. You will really want that bonding time. Most people who don't take one regret it & most people who say they'll take one later don't. Not saying that that would for sure be you, but I know lots of people who that happened to. Even a 3 day camping trip, take it.

6. Dollar Store. Seriously, you can get awesome stuff there. I have vases & fake flowers (that no one thought were fake) & it cost me like $30 & I get to keep em forever.

7. Craigslist! You can find a good photographer there or other wedding related things.

8. Your dress... look for prom dresses. Lots of stores are selling white & ivory prom dresses that look like wedding dresses. I got mine (full length ivory dress) for like $100 at Deb.

My husband & I were long distance until about a month before the wedding (well he was 2 hours away, so not extremely far). When he moved back, it was EXTREMELY hard for him to find a job because of our honeymoon. Some places wouldn't hire him. This is NOT to scare you! We weren't anticipating this at all... & it sucked. So its more of a heads up... just tell your jobs you don't need time off cause that may affect your hiring.

I prettymuch paid for my wedding. My foster mom helped some (& it did help a lot), but if we postponed it til we had al lthe $$ together, we still wouldn't be married. Actually, getting married made things a lot cheaper for us cause then we only had 1 rent/ car insurance goes down if you're married/ taxes are cheaper if you're married.

I'd write more but I gotta get going. Husband's "making" me (ok he really wants me to go) go to a midnight movie showing... I'm gonna be SO tired at work tomorrow! If you'd like more ideas, let me know. i should be back on here tomorrow :).

@serabell:  Thanks for the reply!  Our photographer is a family friend, so we have a break on that.  We are not planning on purchasing decorations b/c it's not something that means a lot for either of us (with the exception of bridal party flowers).  The dresses I'm looking at are less than $200.  My fiance and I live together, that's how our rent is cheap, we split everything.  If I did find a job, I wouldn't ask for time off b/c I know how hard it is to have and keep a job!

Anyways, Fiance and I spoke a lot about this in the last week and we're more than likely (with permission of the priest) going to be married in May.  Which is great!  Right now we're going to stick with dinner reception.  Maybe for the rehearsal dinner, we'll have a park picnic--almost certain his parents won't pay for that either.  My sister and my best friend are coming into town in the next month and we're going dress shopping (not looking to buy but looking to find what style looks best on me) and they're going to help me with some DIY projects.  They're both really excited, it's nice to have support!  Thank you so much serabell!