- 8 years ago
So for the most part I try to avoid divulging too much personal information on the internet in case a friend can recognize stuff. But right now I need some bee-love and bee-advice.
I’m venting b/c I’ve talked this to death with my Fiance and it really hasn’t gone anywhere we feel it should–no definitiveness (he’s sick right now, so I can understand him not wanting to discuss anything too wedding related).
A little background info, we’re both students (he has 2 yrs left and I have 3 semesters) and we both work 30 hr/wk (40 during school breaks). The reason why we work that much is so we can pay our rent, utilities, and food w/o taking out more student loans. Plus our state university tuition costs are more than the maximum amount of federal subsidized and unsubsidized loans (so we have to make up the difference with our jobs). I actually quit the 4 year school to go to a community college (changed major twice) so that it’s cheaper and I can get out in the workplace faster (I’ll go back once Fiance has a full time job). It’s difficult but we manage. However, this has caused great stress for wedding planning.
People may ask “are your parents helping?” No, our parents are not helping with either tuition, living expenses, and wedding. When we turned 18, we became adults and so as adults we feel it necessary to pay for everything. I don’t expect them to help, it’s not their jobs. (It sucks though and I’ll explain why later)
Unfortunately, there are a lot obligatory invites. People neither of us are familiar with but because his parents are friends with, we are expected to invite them. His family is large and that has caused a burden on our guest list. If I had the money, I would be more than happy to invite everyone (our dream guest list is 130 people). We’d be thrilled to invite everyone and I know some of you bees understand the obligatory invite thing. I know that they’re not paying, but I feel like they have this expectation that if we can’t afford to pay for their obligatory invites then we shouldn’t be getting married. However, we settled on a guest list of 30 people–no friends, only immediate family and priests–later we’d have a large party on our 1st or more likely, 2nd anniversary to invite everyone who we couldn’t the first time around.
We had settled on a date in May of 2011 because it was during Easter season when decorations would still be up (we’re Catholic and trying to avoid decoration costs). When we were just dating and we weren’t considering getting married until after he graduated, but his engineering program has a series of courses that cannot be taken concurrently and he got behind. I had a little bit of savings that generated after my federal tax return, but one of my student loans came due from transferring (it wasn’t large but it definitely needed to be paid down). We figured this summer, we could save up for our wedding in May and then add it to the tax return I’ll get back after I file 2010’s taxes and we’d be good. However, a lot of other necessary expenses came up and we’ll have little savings from this summer. He really doesn’t have any, I do and I try to in case something bad happens. After encountering these issues, we decided maybe postponing would be a better option. Perhaps August 2011, but we keep thinking that more expenses are going to happen. We cut out the idea of having a real honeymoon so that we can get married (we’d go camping if all else fails–not really dreamy but I’m okay with that). We also decided to have our reception at a restaurant b/c it’s cheaper than catering.
My plan is next summer (May) to get a full time job (in this economic climate, that’s not guaranteed), get health coverage, and go to school part time until he graduates and has his job. I’ve priced out the cost of health insurance and car insurance, and I know I can swing it if I have a full time job even if it’s only to have private catastrophic plan. I value organization and plans and not fearing that I’m going to be homeless or be indebted for the rest of my life if I accidentally get appendicitis (major fear of mine).
I’ve sacrificed thus far on everything and I’m unhappy. The only thing I really want is to marry him. Eloping in a courthouse is out of the question because we’re Catholic and need to get married in a Catholic Church by a priest. Eloping with a priest is a suggestion we’ve considered, we’d only have his parents and my sister there, but again, his parents think that if we have to do that then we shouldn’t get married. I feel stressed out about everything (I know a lot of you feel the same way). I even took a week or so off from weddingbee and wedding related thinking to clear my head and it hasn’t helped.
The last option we have is to wait until after he graduates and has a job, but that will be 2+ years from now. My heart aches that all I want to do is marry him and that money and parental obligation is the reason that is keeping us from it. It’s like follow your heart or listen to your wise brain. It sucks sometimes having to be responsible.
Recently I updated my facebook about being indecisive and unable to commit to a wedding date, a friend from my high school wrote that she better be invited (she’s done this a couple of times, once when we announced our engagement and once when I wrote that we have picked our first date). I’d love to invite her but she isn’t in the 30 person list and I’m not close enough to her anymore to justify inviting her over friends that I’m closer to now. I rarely mention wedding things on facebook b/c I know it can be a sore subject with certain people (his siblings like to tell his parents my status updates) and I don’t like getting those comments where I feel guilty about knowing I won’t be able to invite them. What can I say to them? Shoot them a private message and say what? His parents are starting to ask lots of questions about when we’ll be getting married, and we don’t know. We keep using the excuse we need to talk to the priest, but I’m not sure how much the priest is going to help.
Thanks for reading through this novel, any advice would be appreciated.
Just so you all know, our bare bones wedding budget is $2000.