Weddingbee boards

My fiance has been hot and cold about our wedding since the beginning.  He proposed in November 2009 and we took a couple of months before we set a date.  We went through 3 different dates and then settled on July 3, 2010.  That's where the problem started.   Every single time I tried to set a date, he would never really respond.  He didn't object to it, but he wouldn't agree to it either.  We (actually I) ended up setting July 3.  I asked him verbally and via email if this date was ok with him.  I told him that I needed to know by the following week so I could book a venue.  Next week rolls around, and I ask him again.  He's not enthusiastic, but says he thinks it's ok.  I figure that he's just not into wedding planning, and while I'd have liked him to be more excited, I go ahead with planning around July 3. 

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, when he refuses to work on something that he'd previously insisted was very important to him (he's an organist and has played at hundreds of weddings).  He didn't feel like dealing with selecting the music for our ceremony.  I'm upset about it, b/c his insistence on how important having a full-fledged pipe organ was for him dictated our ceremony location.  And FYI, he's the one who insisted on a large wedding.  I'd initially wanted one with immediate family only, or at least something a little smaller than our current 250+ guest list. 

I was upset by his reluctance to deal with anything wedding related and asked if he even wanted to get married anymore.  He said he didn't know.  Since then, he's told me he does want to marry me, but is concerned about the date coming up so quickly and that he wanted to postpone things.  I told him that was fine, but I needed him to pick a date within the next couple of weeks, as I have to send out invitations (already paid for) around the first week of May, and we've already sent out STDs (ha, that still made me giggle) and out-of-town people may already have bought plane tickets. 

So...he still hasn't picked a date (despite me asking him about it), and doesn't sound like he's going to.  My question is:  should I just assume he'll show up on July 3 and get married; should I set a new date myself (for maybe sometime late this year or next summer-ish); or should I assume that he's just not interested in getting married and break up with him? 

I've got to figure out what I need to do because unlike him I actually have to deal with the reality of this wedding, and he's not exactly been forthcoming with information.  I feel like he's trying to force me to cancel it by simply not agreeing to anything.  New points of view are welcome. 

@accorn:  that absolutely makes the most sense.  The problem is he won't actually agree to postpone...whenever I say, "ok, we'll just postpone things", he then says that keeping July 3 is the most sensible, although he'd be more comfortable postponing things.  He won't actually agree to do either one of those things, and I don't want to do anything without him being absolutely certain that it's what he wants to do. 

@kittyachi:  Sorry, I guess it wasn't clear.  We picked July 3, 2010, and have booked and paid for everything for that particular date.  He's being wishy-washy about the date and has said he wants to postpone everything...in case anyone else asks, he's never mentioned cancelling, I just feel like that might be my only option at this point. 

@serabell:  We have not one, but two organists lined up for the day.  One is just for the prelude, since the one my fiance really wanted is well known for being perpetually late.  And we have a DJ.  All my fiance needed to do was pick which pieces he wanted played at the ceremony, since he's super-particular about it (as he should be, he is a musician, after all) and I couldn't care less about the music. 

What really frustrates me is that I can't get any real information out of him.  I don't know if he wants to postpone till later this year, till next year, or if he's just getting weirded out by the fact it's closer than he thought and he'll be ok with it in the long run.

@professorbee:  I agree that the fact I've put down deposits doesn't mean we have to go through with it.  We have undergone some premarital counseling, including a Catholic Engaged Encounter weekend.  I want to marry someone who is also enthusiastic about marrying me, and I am beginning to feel that cancelling is the best option.  However, serabell does touch on some valid points...

@serabell:  His life is not entirely stable at the moment.  He is self-employed and is in the middle of several large projects that keep him busy and also have his finances up in the air.  He lost his home and office to Hurricane Katrina 5 years ago this year, and is still rebuilding from that.  He lost his father to cancer 2 years ago this year.  I know that life is harder for him than it is for me, as my life is more stable than his, and that's why I've been (in my opinion, but maybe not really) pretty forgiving of his indecision and inability to commit to the wedding itself, and why I took on most of the planning.  We've been together for 4 years, and he has been pretty indecisive on many things during that time, not just with us.  However, I'm really frustrated and am concerned that he is not able to take the time to make a decision about our wedding even happening at all.

@professorbee:  That's probably at least partially what's going on in his mind.  That's a new point of view that I can discuss with him.  Our officiant will be cutting things close with a vacation, and will most likely miss our rehearsal (another priest will be walking us through the rehearsal) we can probably use that as an excuse even with close family and they won't think twice about it.  Most of our deposits can probably be moved to another date and the only real loss will be our invitations.  Definitely food for thought and I'll bring that up with him this evening.  Maybe I'll actually get some feedback from him!

I don't think you should continue planning something unless you're 100% certain he's in this for the long haul.  Someome who shows this much apprehension about their own wedding is not someone you want to walk down the aisle with.  You need to have a serious conversation with him before you attempt to get married. 

@Reese:  You're right.  The problem is I don't know for sure if he's apprehensive about the wedding or about the marriage.  We've had good conversations over the past couple of days about how great it will be to actually be married.  He's said that he does want to marry me, and he's a man of his word so I'll take that at face value for now.  However, his actions have me very worried...I sincerely hope his apprehension is limited to the wedding and not the marriage.

@serabell:  Some book names would be an awesome start, and I'll take any help I can get!  We've had counseling mostly through the church, and we leave feeling pretty good about things, but I'm concerned that he has some issues as an individual to work through that end up not being discussed in that forum. 

You've hit the nail on the head with the craziness that's gone on ending up being an excuse.  I know he's got valid concerns and I know he doesn't feel secure right now.  But I don't feel like I should have to put my life on hold forever. 

@rachelrobin:  No we're not long-distance, but he is willing to go to counseling to discuss his communication issues :-)

I just wanted to thank you all for your help.  My fiance and I are not out of the woods yet, but last night I was finally able to get some information out of him.  He definitely does want to marry me (and said some very sweet things to that effect).  He is kicking himself for wanting a bigger wedding, and he's having the normal panic attack that happens to us all when big changes get that close.  I'm not ok with the way he dealt with that, and we're going to a counselor on Thursday.  We may ultimately end up bumping the date back, but now it's mostly because I think we need time to work on our communication skills, because I am NOT going to go through this again. 

So...I do have an answer, he definitely wants to go through with the whole getting married part, and if the only option were to stick with July 3 or cancel the whole thing altogether, he's on board with July 3.  We're going to decide over the next couple days whether we're going to keep the date as is or bump it to this fall (after the peak of hurricane season!)

Thanks y'all!