Post # 1
I’ve been engaged since Thanksgiving. So, about 3 months now. When we first got engaged we sat down with “the mothers” and discussed guest list. Boom. It was 250 people. Thanks, but no thanks. We agreed to disagree and decided to revisit the subject with it became real.
Fast forward to last night. We’ve decided we want a smallish-intimate wedding. Not some big showy to do. Just something nice and simple. Closest friends and family. And fairly soon – hopefully this july.
My parents have recently come into slight hardship with lots of home repairs. They’ve given me a small amount of money but I don’t really expect them to be able to give much more. I told my mother I will need address to send out save the dates. She was taken aback by the number of people I left off. She is “obligated” or “feels that she has to” invite so and so and this person and that person. And I explained thats nice – but, not the kind of wedding we are having. Plus, we can’t afford it. ANd she can’t afford it. Its physically impossible.
She doesn’t get it. And my fiance had the same discussion with his mother. They just don’t get it. I guess I’m just venting here. Or looking for someone who has been in the same situtation? I don’t want to fight with the moms. I would love to invite all these people. But we can’t afford it. and to be honest – I’d prefer to just see my friends and family on my wedding day. Not have a reunion with all the people I’ve ever met.
I don’t want to have this start some big upset where my mom stops talking to me. I’m just so upset because I know what I want is what I can afford and they won’t let me do it. or they are having a hard time being ok with it.
Post # 3
I don’t really have any good adivce, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone! I was in a similar situation and we have ended up inviting 16 couples of my parent’s friends. Great, 28 people I don’t know that well at my wedding. My parents are paying for the wedding so I guess they have some pull, but the guest list is certainly larger than what we wanted.
I would suggest that you and your fiance draft a guest list, include the obvious family members, extended family, etc. Maye give each mother a few invites to send to friends, but that is it. You are paying for the wedding yourself so they will have to deal with it.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I would suggest that you break down how much it would cost for the 250 she wants vs the small wedding you want, if you haven’t already, and ask her to explain where the difference would come from. She needs to understand that it is just not possible, and can’t happen.
Post # 5
even if you didn’t want a more intimate wedding, its not reasonable to want to add a lot of guests if there is no way to pay for them!
i think its always easier to say “you have x no. of invites. you choose which from the list you want” than just cut people yourself
Post # 6
@sarg88: If you and your fiance are paying for your wedding without any help from the parents, it really isn’t up to them to decide the guest list. Now if they were paying for the wedding or helping, they would have a little bit of pull depending on how much they are contributing and how they are helping. I wouldn’t like to have a wedding where I don’t know a lot of people because my mom invited a bunch of her friends that I may or may not have met before. I would agree with the person above me that it would be okay to give the moms a few invites that can be left up to them. But ultimately in this situation where the two of you are paying for the wedding, it is really up to you how many people you invite and what kind of wedding you have. If it becomes this huge overdrawn issue, I would just elope with the fiance and have a party down the road when it becomes possibly more affordable for all involved to have a party where everyone is happy with the guest list. Good luck and happy planning.
Post # 7
Just tell her you and your FI want a small intimate wedding and that is what works with your budget and wishes. Both moms should understand that if they can’t contribute the money to accomodate their guests that you don’t even know then tough cookies!
Post # 8
@newname_99: + 1 – Have her do the cutting after you show her the expenses.
Post # 9
i think sometimes it helps to be a bit blunt
“so, the cost per person is 100 dollars (or whatever). if we invite those 20 people, we need to find 2000 dollars. any suggestions as to where we can find that money as we dont have it and are not prepared to go into debt for one day? no? ok then we need to have a smaller wedding”
but in a politer more loving way
Post # 10
You are SO not alone out there.
I went through the SAME exact issues when we first started planning. I asked my FI’s mom to give me a rough number and she came back with 70 guest. Ughhh what?
My Fi and I broke down the exact cost of a wedding and simply told them we cannot afford to have a wedding with so many people. We are having 125 people at our wedding. My Fi and I agreed to pay for 65 ourselves. Each sets of parents are paying for 35 guest each. We have made it clear that we are NOT paying for any guest beyond that because we are not going into debt for a wedding. Once we made that clear to them we haven’t had many issues.
You might be surprised how “obligated” they’ll feel when they have to cut a check.
Post # 11
Looks like I need to bust out my spreadsheets and show the real figures. I’m just so upset that they can’t realize this without me lecturing them.
@Meant2Bee: you are right. It’ll be interesting to see how obligated they feel when they see the price difference for those people.
Post # 12
If you’re paying for it, you get to decide the guest list.
Post # 13
It was very important to DH and I that we have a small, intimate wedding. His mother, on the other hand, wanted to invite every person she may or may not have spoken to during her entire life.
We laid it out that we were only going to be inviting X number of people and we were picking who they were, BUT if it was so important to her to celebrate with all of these different people that she was more than welcome to host a party at her home or somewhere else a few weeks after the wedding during which we could celebrate with everyone.
She shut up and we had the small wedding we wanted (though if she had gone ahead and planned the party we wouldn’t have minded).