Post # 1
Although the BF and I aren’t engaged yet* we talk about stuff we would like to do or not do for our wedding. I have brought the wedding in the future up to my mother but she has kind of blown it off a bit:
"You don’t know your budget so why are you worried that places are too expensive?" Because I know what it cost for my sister’s and it was small and the money was very tight that’s why. Denver seems to have expensive venues if you don’t have a budget over 10k, and so far ours is estimated at 6k. I am thankful what will be given to me just like my sister, don’t get me wrong.
"Oh that’s a neat place but you have time to do this later." Well I’m just so excited I wanted to look into venues…what’s wrong with that?
"You really do need to make your sister your MOH because you were hers." That’s a LONG story I won’t get into right now, but let’s just say I was not included in anything except for standing next to her to hold her bouquet. Who goes off with her other bridal party attendants for a girl’s afternoon the day of the wedding and leaves her MOH and only sister behind, on purpose?!
Those are just a few things my mom has thrown my way and I’m not mad, just a little disappointed. My mom loves the BF but I wonder if she doesn’t have it in her to get excited until that ring is on my finger? Why? Everyone knows this is where the relationship is headed and they can’t be happier. *sigh*
Should I just keep my mouth shut and not say anything further to her? Is anyone having this problem with their mother or someone else in the family or friends?
*The ring was thought up by the two of us one day when we were talking getting married. We discussed how neat it would be to have my birthstone-aquamarine-and his birthstone-sapphire-on the sides of the center stone. That’s all we said. After I fell in love with a ring I saw that was antiquey looking I knew that was the style I loved. A visit to the jewelers, at his suggestion(!), and he is now planning the ring and picking out everything!
Post # 3
You’re not alone here. Heck, my mother doesn’t even seem that excited about the wedding or planning and I AM engaged. I’d say wait until the ring is on your finger and see if your mother acts the same.
Post # 4
My mom was the exact same way, even after I went ring shopping. Always things like don;t count your chickens before their hatched etc. Turns out FI asked my parents for permission about four months before he even proposed. They were super excited, my mom didn’t want to blow anything, loves surprises and wanted to confuse me. I wouldn’t take it personal. I mean it even got to the point I was wondering if she disapproved – the joy on her face the second I showed her the ring any of those concerns disappeared. She’s been a huge help wedding planning and listens to me talk about it way more than she probably should ever have to. I just found it best to stop saying anything because it upset me. GL!
Post # 5
Let me put it this way, my mom does not like FI because we are Christians and he is not (I know Christians aren’t supposed to marry non-Christians, that’s another story). Anyway, she was not happy when we started dating, and REALLY not happy when I told her the first time that I wanted to marry him. She left the house and didn’t come back for a few hours (a couple of times actually). She has calmed down a bit now that we are engaged, even though I know she still doesn’t really like him. I hope it gets better for you.
Post # 6
i think my mom is a little sad that she can’t help us pay for the wedding (divorced parents, teachers salary) so she is less excited because she feels bad that she can’t help, but the other day i told her i am glad we are paying for it because i want to host a party for my friends and family- period. She seemed to feel better and has had fun at dress shopping and food tasting.
Now the point of my story is that knowing why my mom isn’t excited, totally changes the feeling, if i was worried she didn’t like fi or was opposed to our relationship i would worry a lot.
So talk to your mom, maybe she is worried you won’t be her little girl anymore or is afraid yuo aren’t financially ready to get married or something else! I’d sit her down have some tea and tell her how you feel. After all, she’s your mom!
Post # 7
Does your mother know that a proposal and ring is actually in the works? Maybe she thinks that the engagement is so far off, it’s too early to start planning. Or maybe she is all wedding-ed out from your sister’s wedding, assuming it was somewhat recent?
Regardless, don’t let her attitude bring you down…go ahead and relish in your excitement of getting engaged soon!
Post # 8
My mom isn’t all that excited either. She gave me money to spend on the wedding, so I feel like I should discuss where that money will be used. I think some people are into this kind of thing, and others are not. The best thing to do is make sure that you don’t take it personally.
Post # 9
Ladies this great info, and for those of you who are engaged and your mother is still not showing excitement *sigh* I feel for you. Good luck!
@emileee: Definitely! She knows it’s in the works because I told her how sweet my BF was that he couldn’t keep a secret or lie that he was going into town to see the jeweler, instead of saying he was having lunch or something with his dad. HAHA I had also mentioned to her the day before my birthday when we went to the jewelers and how excited I was. As far as my sister’s wedding, the FMIL for my sister kind of took over the whole thing and ruined the experience for her. She invited herself to the shopping for dresses event, the fittings, and even held the bridal shower after my mom had already said she was going to do it for my sister. Big mess 🙁
Post # 10
For the longest time my mom was not the slightest bit excited about an impending wedding. She’d often make crack comments like "Oh my gosh, is this what my mother had to endure when I got engaged?!" And one time she even cried "I can’t hear another thing about the wedding because it just stresses me out too much!!" She loves my FI, but I think the fact that I’m moving to another country 3000mi away from her is the real issue….
After having loads of resentment towards my mom for not having happy feelings towards our wedding, I stopped talking about it to her. Now, after 3 months of non-wedding talk, she is coming around. Yesterday we went out for her birthday & she heard "Lucky" by Jason Mraz on the radio and she said (out loud!) "That could be your wedding song".
Baby steps. Your mom will come around 🙂
Post # 11
I think it’s more likely that she thinks you’re just playing wedding. You aren’t engaged yet (though it sounds soon) it’s hard for a parent to understand the need to start looking until you are engaged.
I assume, since you’re looking at venues now, you want a very short engagement. Tell your mom how close you are to being engaged. Then let her know when you’re thinking of getting married. I mean, you’ll need to hit the ground running if you are wanting to get married in September! If you’re looking at next summer or next fall, then you’d have tons of time, but if that’s not the case, tell your mom.
Post # 12
I totally feel you! As we are ‘talking’ about getting married, we’re not engaged yet (even though there is a ring purchased) and I’ve been planning my weddding b/c I would prefer to get married this summer, so I’m assuming I’m going to need to know what I want, etc etc. As my parents live overseas, I can just talk to them on the phone and email back and forth. I spent hours on the phone with my dad planning (haha- who stated he never thought he would enjoy talking about planning a wedding), I get an email from my mom saying, and I quote
" I hope you aren’t let down if you have this whole wedding
>planned, then things fall apart. I’m not trying to
> discourage you at all, just don’t want you to be wounded. It just
> seems strange to be planning a wedding when you aren’t engaged…I
> know, silly me."
Which pissed me off and made me sad at the same time. After a couple days, I sent her an email and was a little less than happy- although she thanked me for restraining myself in my response… anywho, i think she just doesn’t want me to be hurt if I’m planning this for the summer and it doesn’t work out. Like I don’t know it might not happen this summer?! grrrrr….. It’s just something I want her to be excited about, not a debbie downer.
Post # 13
@Curlysue I hear ya! No one really took me seriously, even when my FI had purchased the ring because he had not yet officially "proposed"… strange how that is.
In your mind, you’re technically engaged and taking the right steps to get your ducks in a row for planning but others aren’t helping with their comments. My mom was the same way. Even my best friend thought it was weird that we were looking at wedding locations the week before my FI proposed. The ring was on it’s way! After the proposal, everyone was singing an entirely different tune and welcomed us to the "engaged" club.
I think you should just plan things on your own, post on these boards because there are plenty of us who know what you’re going through, and when you’re "officially" engaged, enjoy the attention!
Post # 14
Oh my gosh… my mother i think she bi polar. She told me to elope, and if she does come to my wedding the i bet she will do her best to embarase me and make me cry. She thinks my guys fam is better then her. So she always gets the personal attack on her then take it out on me. Act. its so lame that i told my FI she does this she proved her self a month ago sharing her feelings on how i treat her like garbage.
Post # 15
Ya know, my Mum got to a point where she actually said to me, "Let’s not discuss it anymore until it happens, ok?" She was excited for me when I first told her West Coast Groom and I were talking marriage, but after a few more chats, she made it clear, nicely, that it was pre-mature to keep re-hashing when it might happen or how or what we would do. Maybe it seems old-fashioned, but if you aren’t "officially" engaged, then it seems inappropriate to a lot of people that you be planning a wedding. Also, if your Mum thinks it’s his job to ask you to marry him, she might also have some old-fashioned attitude that you look desperate or overly vulnerable or unrealistic or something by planning before you’ve been asked, even if it feels like a total technicality to you. It’s hard sometimes to accept that what you feel so strongly in your own hearts doesn’t necessarily resonate with other people. She probably wants to see him make that official statement before you start the journey of engagement.
It’s also important to remember that A LOT of people TALK about getting married, and TALK about getting engaged and it never happens. Obviousl you don’t expect you Mum to think this is how things might work out for you, but she might be brushing off your statements because she’s worried about what other people think. Either way, I think your best course of action is quietly investigating all of your options, and delaying announcing any sort of decisions to your family until the ring is in place.
Post # 16
My mom did this until my BF sat her down and asked for her permission. Even though I don’t have an E-ring, she is totally on board with planning now!