Weddingbee boards

Getting married is supposed to be the happiest time of your life.... right? Well, for me, it's been one of the worst. Don't get me wrong - I am BEYOND THRILLED to be marrying my fiance (he is a sensational man and I love him with every ounce of my heart) - it's just the planning that is really starting to take it's toll. I'm really having a hard time with this and would really appreciate any advice if anyone has gone through a similar situation - especially regarding what happened post-wedding.

So let me explain my dilemma... I apologize in advance for it's length. And for using the 'b' word - I only use it twice, and once is a direct quote. :)

My problem is with my mother. Yes, I know mother-daughter relationships have their ups and downs, but mine has always sorta been on the 'down' side of things. The basic rule of my relationship with my mother is this: if I like something, she likes the opposite. If I want to do something, she thinks its 'inappropriate' and wants the opposite. Normally this is not much of a problem - I live 3 hours away and we don't really talk much. Well that was all fine and good until I got engaged and we started in on the planning. This 'difference of opinion' has been the problem with almost EVERYTHING so far - the wedding colors, the overall look/theme of the wedding, my shoes (she HATES my high heels and thinks I should wear something lower so that she can then spend hundreds of dollars on alterations), our first dance song (the cute, cheeky song we picked was TOTALLY inappropriate because it didn't evoke a sappy, tear-jerking moment from her), the flowers, the photographer, the guestlist..... I could go on and on for hours.

I should also say that, while I am a pretty headstrong woman, I am a people-pleaser. I try to make people happy whenever possible, no matter if it makes me unhappy or not. Yes, it has screwed me over more times than I can count, and no, I have obviously not learned my lesson.

So back to me and my mother. If it was just me and her I might be able to handle things better. Well life is not so simple.

Adding to the 'issue' is my FMIL. I have a fantastic relationship with her, and she's 100% behind all my decisions ('it's YOUR wedding, do what YOU want to do!' she tells me almost every day), which is great. But it's slowly starting to cause a divide between her and my mother. My mother refuses to call her for anything. won't ask for help (My mother just had shoulder surgery and has been on bed-rest for about a week. Instead of emailing/calling my FMIL to keep the wedding plans moving, she tried to do them all herself and then complains to me about how she physically feels bad because she's doing so much for me when she should be taking it easy.) and now my FMIL is feeling left out of all the plans. Granted, she doesn't call my mother either, but she's felt left out basically from day 1. Recently this has started to make her have her "bitchy moments" when she says things like (taken from an email I got today about using fruits - apples, oranges, grapes - in the centerpieces) <span class="180515618-28092009"><span style="font-family: Arial; color: #0000ff; font-size: x-small;">"We could just do trios of different colored wine bottles, and then drink them. Forget the grapes, go for the fermented ones! 'Course your mom would probably have a COW over that one!  Sorry, I don't feel good at all and I'm just being BITCHY!" *le sigh*

So what to do? I am feeling like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have tried talking to my mother - I sent her a very long email (I knew if I tried to talk to her over the phone it would end with us screaming at each other and, since we're so far apart doing it face-to-face was not an option) telling her how I feel, etc etc etc and all it did was make my mother's interactions with me more sparse and slightly rude. I practically BEGGED my mom to just spend some more time with my FMIL (coffee/tea? dinner? ANYTHING!!) but she was just always too busy. And it's not like they don't know each other - they've been around each other several times and everything has always gone perfectly fine. I try to share as much as I can with my FMIL, and then my mother gets upset if I've changed my mind as a result of those interactions because she feels 'left out of the loop'.

I know my mother just wants me to have the best day ever, as does my FMIL, but I'm too the point where I'd almost scrap the big wedding/reception, elope, and just go to a bar with our friends.

All I want is for my mother and FMIL to get along, and to actually enjoy this process. I feel horrible for my fiance since he has to deal with me after reading emails/getting off the phone. He's great though in calming me down and making me feel better - I don't know what I'd do without him!

So basically I would really like some opinions from someone not wrapped up in this mess. I'm so tangled I can't even see straight anymore! And feel free to ask me any questions - I may have talked myself in circles - sorry!!

@mskalinin - yes, she is paying for mostly everything. my FMIL is paying for flowers, putting money towards the bar for the reception, and the rehearsal dinner. I am also putting money towards the reception, and paying for all the paper-goods (I'm a graphic designer so I'm designing, printing, and assembling them all myself).

@Bella - Thanks! I am very busy indeed (I didn't even go into my work and 'free' -ha- time) and taking time to breathe is definitely important! The google group is a great idea, and I may do that for the whole party, but sadly neither my mother or FMIL are very technologically savy. I always send emails to both of them whenever I send out a message about a new happening, an idea, etc, but of course they never reply to one another. It just comes back to me. :) it's definitely worth a try though! Thanks!

Why is it that weddings bring out the best or the worst in people? I'm sorry your mother is being "bitchy".  It toatlly sucks that she can't just embrace your vision and support you, but I think it's a mom thing that it happens.

I remember reading some of the Bee's posts about doing all this great stuff with their moms and their FMILs and being over the top green with envy!

Maybe you could to that group thing on line and just update it daily and respond there?  Or even if you got some sort of shared check list file and did a group email every day where everyone was included on it and everyone could update what was done, what was being worked on or what needed to be done and who was going to do it?

On a side note - and I could be TOTALLY off here - maybe your mom is jealous of his mom and the relationship you have with her?  Or she could just be the way she is because that is how she is.

Good luck and remember this is YOUR day and you and your FI should have it be what YOU want - maybe nod and say hmmmm a lot when you get an objection??

Sorry to hear you're going through that...

Updating both with weekly/monthly emails on the progress would be good.  Maybe you can just list what you guys have decided on and ways they can help, rather than asking for their opinions.  Maybe your first email can explain to them how important this process is to both you and your fiance and add the importance of family and coming together. 

Sometimes I think my MIL feels left out of the loop when there isn't really much going on.  They just like to be included in any way they can. 

Thanks ladies, I really do appreciate your input.

The biggest problem here though with not updating my mother and FMIL is that I am three hours away from where the wedding will take place and am unable to make it back very oftern, so most of the updates are coming to me instead of me sending them out. They are the ones that are meeting with people, scoping things out, etc etc because I am unable to. The emails I send are not so much updates as they are responses.

I'm not trying to force a relationship between them, I just want them to talk about the things they are working on instead of having everything come through me. I am too busy with everything else I have going on (new job, side freelance work, moving into a new apt, etc etc) to hold a conversation between them through me. For example, this weekend I am traveling home and we are going to all sorts of meetings and consultations. There was one company in particular that had limited availability and my mother didn't know my FMIL's schedule so she couldn't commit to anything immediately. Instead of just calling her to ask what time she could do, she emailed me so that I could ask her. I responded asking her to just call, since I knew my FMIL was not at work, but she said she'd just wait. Well, I was at work and super busy and had a commitment that evening, so I couldn't call her until the next morning and by then my mother had called 3 times wanting an answer. So no, I don't want them to be best friends, but I want them to be able to call each other on the phone and ask a simple question. I had wanted them to get together so that they could go over what they have each been doing to make sure everyone is on the same page.

Good news though - I have been trying to delegate more and put my foot down (more forcfully) about things. I think I was just too afraid I'd be hurting peoples feelings before, but I'm at the point where I'm over it and just want to keep moving. We will see if those efforts change anything this weekend when I go back to visit. I'm optimistic - I hope to come back Sunday night and be able to tell everyone that I (FINALLY) have a DJ, florist, reception menu settled and favors selected! It's surely going to be an eventful (and stressful) weekend!

So incase anyone was wondering, this past weekend went pretty well! We decided on favors, the desert table, the menu, picked a florist and decided on bouts and bouquets, and interviewed 2 djs. A VERY busy weekend...

There was a bit of tension, but I was more stern in what I wanted and things seem to be getting better. Only time will tell...

But thank you ladies for all your helpful thoughts and opinions. I really appreciate it!

Thanks!