- 8 years ago
- Wedding: March 2010
Getting married is supposed to be the happiest time of your life…. right? Well, for me, it’s been one of the worst. Don’t get me wrong – I am BEYOND THRILLED to be marrying my fiance (he is a sensational man and I love him with every ounce of my heart) – it’s just the planning that is really starting to take it’s toll. I’m really having a hard time with this and would really appreciate any advice if anyone has gone through a similar situation – especially regarding what happened post-wedding.
So let me explain my dilemma… I apologize in advance for it’s length. And for using the ‘b’ word – I only use it twice, and once is a direct quote. 🙂
My problem is with my mother. Yes, I know mother-daughter relationships have their ups and downs, but mine has always sorta been on the ‘down’ side of things. The basic rule of my relationship with my mother is this: if I like something, she likes the opposite. If I want to do something, she thinks its ‘inappropriate’ and wants the opposite. Normally this is not much of a problem – I live 3 hours away and we don’t really talk much. Well that was all fine and good until I got engaged and we started in on the planning. This ‘difference of opinion’ has been the problem with almost EVERYTHING so far – the wedding colors, the overall look/theme of the wedding, my shoes (she HATES my high heels and thinks I should wear something lower so that she can then spend hundreds of dollars on alterations), our first dance song (the cute, cheeky song we picked was TOTALLY inappropriate because it didn’t evoke a sappy, tear-jerking moment from her), the flowers, the photographer, the guestlist….. I could go on and on for hours.
I should also say that, while I am a pretty headstrong woman, I am a people-pleaser. I try to make people happy whenever possible, no matter if it makes me unhappy or not. Yes, it has screwed me over more times than I can count, and no, I have obviously not learned my lesson.
So back to me and my mother. If it was just me and her I might be able to handle things better. Well life is not so simple.
Adding to the ‘issue’ is my FMIL. I have a fantastic relationship with her, and she’s 100% behind all my decisions (‘it’s YOUR wedding, do what YOU want to do!’ she tells me almost every day), which is great. But it’s slowly starting to cause a divide between her and my mother. My mother refuses to call her for anything. won’t ask for help (My mother just had shoulder surgery and has been on bed-rest for about a week. Instead of emailing/calling my FMIL to keep the wedding plans moving, she tried to do them all herself and then complains to me about how she physically feels bad because she’s doing so much for me when she should be taking it easy.) and now my FMIL is feeling left out of all the plans. Granted, she doesn’t call my mother either, but she’s felt left out basically from day 1. Recently this has started to make her have her “bitchy moments” when she says things like (taken from an email I got today about using fruits – apples, oranges, grapes – in the centerpieces) <span class=”180515618-28092009″><span style=”font-family: Arial; color: #0000ff; font-size: x-small;”>”We could just do trios of different colored wine bottles, and then drink them. Forget the grapes, go for the fermented ones! ‘Course your mom would probably have a COW over that one! Sorry, I don’t feel good at all and I’m just being BITCHY!” *le sigh*
So what to do? I am feeling like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have tried talking to my mother – I sent her a very long email (I knew if I tried to talk to her over the phone it would end with us screaming at each other and, since we’re so far apart doing it face-to-face was not an option) telling her how I feel, etc etc etc and all it did was make my mother’s interactions with me more sparse and slightly rude. I practically BEGGED my mom to just spend some more time with my FMIL (coffee/tea? dinner? ANYTHING!!) but she was just always too busy. And it’s not like they don’t know each other – they’ve been around each other several times and everything has always gone perfectly fine. I try to share as much as I can with my FMIL, and then my mother gets upset if I’ve changed my mind as a result of those interactions because she feels ‘left out of the loop’.
I know my mother just wants me to have the best day ever, as does my FMIL, but I’m too the point where I’d almost scrap the big wedding/reception, elope, and just go to a bar with our friends.
All I want is for my mother and FMIL to get along, and to actually enjoy this process. I feel horrible for my fiance since he has to deal with me after reading emails/getting off the phone. He’s great though in calming me down and making me feel better – I don’t know what I’d do without him!
So basically I would really like some opinions from someone not wrapped up in this mess. I’m so tangled I can’t even see straight anymore! And feel free to ask me any questions – I may have talked myself in circles – sorry!!