(Closed) Mother delima and social etiquette question

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If your mother is approaching 70, I would say it’s safe to assume that most of her girlfriends/potential guests are also in their 60s or older.  (Correct?)

I ask, because the idea that a bride must extend a wedding invitation to everyone who is invited to a pre-wedding event is fairly modern.  Guests of your mother’s age may not be familiar with that tradition.

If your mother truly wishes to host a party in your honor, the most appropriate thing for you to do is to graciously accept the offer (unless you have a moral objection to the party.)  As a guest of honor, you shouldn’t have much of a say in the guest list; and you don’t get to manage the party from the background.  That would mean that your mother may throw a party for as many friends as she wishes, and it will not reflect badly on you.

But if she does host a party in your honor, you’ll need to make sure she knows if you are taking the stance “her party, her guest list.  They don’t need to be my guests.”  For clarity – to avoid future arguments, – and in fairness to her, she should know before any planning begins what she’s going to “gain” from it.

 

I would also suggest you begin telling your mother that inviting additional guests simply isn’t possible.  If she believes that the limit is due to finances,she’ll find a way to work around them (“I’ll pay for this guest!” – or – “Oh, you’re using a less expensive caterer & menu, you have extra funds now!”) If she believes that the limit is due to space she’ll find a way to fix that too (“Oh, well your OOT guests won’t all come, you have room for 4 more of my guests!”) – It’s easier for you both if you just tell her “I’m sorry; it just isn’t possible mom.”

Post # 4
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

So feel your pain, except mine is from my FMIL.  She gave me a list of about 40 … my FI doesn’t even know some of them.  She did give us $1,000 towards our $15,000 wedding.  I’m greatful for any help, but 40 guests X $55 each = $2,200.  I had to tell her that I had to not invite several of my coworkers that hear about my wedding all day, because the list was just too big.  She kept adding more and more to the list and we had to tell her we just couldn’t afford it.

Luckly my mother is the opposite, and says most people will understand.  I can’t belive your mother would cause you this stress.  Fortunately mine has been my person of ration.

I would recommend to sit her down and explain all the costs.  Once we informed my FMIL that it was $55+ per person, her attitude did change a little.

Remember this is your day.

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