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I don't have experience with this so I can't really offer advice. I know some bees have posted before with similar situations but off the top of my head I can't think of any so hopefully they will see this.
I'm sorry that both you and your mom have to deal with this. I'll be sending good thoughts your way as well as your mom's way.
I am going through this right now, and it can be tough at times. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer this summer, and I'm getting married in May. We spoke to her doctors early on in the process and they seemed pretty confident that she'd be able to attend, as she will have gone been through the bulk of her treatment by then, so we went ahead and kept our date and continued to plan.
Honestly, I'd say that wedding planning has actually been a welcome distraction to help me cope with what can at times be, as you mentioned, an overwhelmingly stressful situation. Even still, I do find it difficult at times b/c when we speak on the phone, she mostly wants to talk about her symptoms, drs visits, how good/bad she feels, her treatments, etc, and my excitement about the cake we just ordered or the tasting we just had evaporates. I'm still struggling to find a middle ground b/w making sure she feels heard (which is of course is most important right now and part of her coping mechanism), while 'giving myself permission' to enjoy what is otherwise one of the best times of my life.
Another thing I'm still coming to terms with is how different the planning process actually is from what I always envisioned it would be. My mom and I are really close, and happily we were able to go dress shopping a couple times before she was diagnosed, but since then, other than hearing my updates over the phone, she's been pretty uninvolved (understandably so). She wasn't well enough to attend the engagement party my FSIL planned, for instance, and might not be able to make my bridal shower, which I'm already trying to prepare myself for.
One of the ways I deal with it all is to try to plan the best wedding I can so that when she does attend, she'll be proud of how amazing the finished product is eventhough she wasn't able to participate in planning many of the details. I am also *so grateful* that, if all goes as it should, she'll be there, which is a blessing.
@rstal24: Hello! I'm so sorry to hear about your mother's diagnosis. And I hope the prognosis is a good one. I was engaged for the first time 3 years ago. I was going to get married for all the wrong reasons. My mom was sick. She had stage 3 ovarian cancer. And I watcher her fight for so long and so hard without ever complaining. I figured I needed to prove to her that I was grown up, and I'd be ok. As much I wished I could have my mom help me with the planning, she was too sick, and weak and tired. I'd say to you, cherish EVERY moment with her. Bring up the wedding to her, and ask for her input. She will need to keep her mind off of her sickness. I know that helped my mom in the beginning. Just always be there for her. We think of our parents as super heroes, and then they are given these illnesses. It was so hard for me to see my hero get so weak yet stay so strong and upbeat. She lasted 5 years on chemo. And then the cancer took her. I called off my wedding because I saw I was going through with it for all the wrong reasons. Just never take one second for granted. I'd give anything for a hug from my mom, and to hear her laugh, or see her smile.
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My mother received a diagnosis of ovarian cancer yesterday, just seven and a half months before my wedding. We won't know the full extent of the cancer until she has surgery to remove the existing masses in a few weeks, but I am already trying to come up with contingency plans (I am a planner).
Thankfully, most of the big stuff is already out of the way, and my bridesmaids are fabulous (one of them even works for the American Cancer Society). I had planned to do many things myself, with her infinite craft/sewing knowledge there to support me along the way. I already know there are areas where I can just trim things, like a homemade arbor no longer seems so important.
I want to make sure that I am still involving my mother in the planning, but I also do not want her to worry about taking care of me. She has already begun to worry about ruining the wedding. The FH and I are not worried about that, but we want to begin to think about what happens if she is pretty sick on the day.
Has anyone else face a parent who is ill during the wedding planning/wedding day. I would appreciate any advice on how to navigate the situation, as well as tools for ensuring that my mother's illness does not overwhelm me to the point where I cannot focus on creating a healthy and happy marriage with my FH.