Post # 1
Hey hive! I’ve been lurking for a while and have finally found a reason for my first post…(sorry it’s a tad long!)
A little backround info….My SO and I have been together for a little over 2 years, we live with his college roommate (3 bedroom apt.) he and his roomie will graduate this May, I am a recent grad (May ’10). We moved in together in August and it’s been great! We have started talking about getting married, nothing too serious we know we want to but we need to wait until he graduates and we can save a little $$. We’re also both planning on grad school within the next few years. I’ve expressed to my parents why we are waiting to get married, they really disapprove of our living together (even though we have a roommate).
The other day I was chatting with my sister when she mentioned something our mom said “Why don’t they just go to the court house and make it legal!” Ughh! It hurt my feelings so much! I understand she is super conservative and she doesn’t really “approve” of us living together but why can’t she just be happy for my happiness and understand where I’m coming from. There’s nothing wrong with marrying young but that’s not “us” at all.
I understand why some choose to “make it legal” soon insurance,mility, etc. But that’s not our situation and I would never get married just because my mom thinks living together before marriage is so awful.
Have any of your mothers been like this? Is your “living in sin” the worst thing to her?? Advice on what to tell her? Should I just let it go?
Post # 3
As a stranger looking in, I am wondering if maybe your mom is more concerned that you are not taking the time to be an adult and out on your own…instead, you have decided to immediately after graduation to move in with your SO. Maybe she is concerned that you are rushing things even though you aren’t planning on getting married soon?
It’s hard for parents who disapprove of living together to ever change their minds. My parents weren’t huge fans of my FI and I living together and that was after we were engaged and we are both out of college with steady jobs and careers. They eventually warmed up to it and are now fine with it.
But you know your mom’s opinion and at least she is being very honest with you. She’s made it clear what she thinks and although you may make a valid arguement for why you are waiting, I don’t think you’re going to hear the end of it anytime soon. She’s your Mom so I suggest just being polite and mature about it.
Post # 4
I can’t help you. When my boyfriend and I lived together, I was 30. AND I HID IT FROM MY MOTHER. For a year and a half. I just couldn’t couldn’t handle it. I’m sorry, don’t know what to tell you.
Post # 5
@PinkPinstripes: I really appreciate your opinion, it’s hard for me to be objective 🙂 I hope that’s it but I did go away to school for 4 years and spent a semester abroad alone so I see myself as pretty independent but I can see how she might want me to establish myself first.
Post # 6
We are in the same situation. Well we are engaged, but when we moved in together we had only been dating for 6 months (long distance, about 70 miles apart, seeing each other at least 2 weeks a month, and breaks from school)
We also have a 3 bedroom apt. and a room mate, who is male. They both will graduate in May, and I will graduate the following year in May.
His family is very set in their roots of Christianity, as my FI and I are as well, that is why we have a 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment. The men share a bathroom, and I have my own that is connected to my room (The master bedroom suite haha)
It took his family awhile to get used to, and they felt it was wrong at first. But we have now lived together for 15 months, and they know we hold to our Christian life, we are living as room mates who are engaged, it is easier than it sounds.
I hope your family will come around… I know it took FI’s family awhile to come around, but now they love me, and understand we are 22 and we are making good choices for ourselves.
Sorry my comment is so long, but if you want to talk, PM me anytime 🙂
Post # 7
@PumpkinSpice: I kinda think your mom’s comment about just “go to a courthouse and make it legal” is meant to “shock”. She probably doesn’t want to you to actually do that (not that there’s anything wrong with it) but she’s your mom and sometimes our moms say things to get our attention 🙂
Since your move-in is so recent, she probably needs some time to digest it a bit. She might never stop with the comments but think of it from her side and give her some patience.
Post # 8
@PumpkinSpice: Honestly, there is a huge difference between going away to college and studying abroad and truely living on your own and supporting yourself. Trust me – I’ve been there, done that and they don’t even compare!
I went 11 hours away from home for a 4-year college degree and spent a summer abroad in Singapore (100% on my own – not through a school program or anything). None of this compared to living by myself, working a full-time job, paying all of my own bills, taking care of my own place, etc. Independence in terms of being willing to make your own way/do your own thing isn’t the same as independence in terms of relying on no one but yourself to take care of 100% of your needs.
I agree with PinkPinstripes that that is probably a large part of your mom’s concern but also that you are never going to change her mind regarding her beliefs about living together before being married. You need to choose to either respect those beliefs and not do it or understand that you will get some grief from your mom but you can stand up as an adult in your own decision of how to live your life. But there is no way to make her all of a sudden think it is a good idea.
Post # 9
Well, I’ve kinda been through it although my mom didn’t mind too much. I had two choices: live with my stepdad who was drunk 24/7 and barged in naked with me in my room, or 2) move in with my bf and don’t worry about everyone who judged me for it. I made a choice, it’s personal, and it’s NO ONES BUSINESS BUT MINE. Same for you. Set your boundaires and don’t le tother people give you a hard time.
Post # 10
To me it sounds like your mother is just like my father. My Father is very conservative, I come from a Catholic family. My family would make snide comments, and when I told my Dad I was living with my boyfriend he screamed at me over the phone for around a hour. I am one of the few people in my extended family to live with someone before marriage. It is looked down upon in my family. You need to stand up for yourself, be firm, and do what makes you happy. You just need to make sure you are making good decisions, and being responsible. It will get better with your family, it just takes time.
Post # 11
Oy. Yes, I’ve been through this too, however, not from my parents, ironically. :-/ I’m Christian, but not exactly fundamentalist by any means. A few of my good friends, though, are. I got hell from them (err… bad pun not made intentionally lol) when I made the decision to move over to HI to be with SO (we were in a LDR at the time). There was no way I was going to be able to afford a place on my own, and I didn’t know anyone else here at the time, so living together was the plan. Dealing with the disapproval of my friends was really rough. Wasn’t pretty at all. But, I stood my ground, made it clear that it’s my belief that this decision was best for us as a couple, and that I wasn’t going to be changing my mind. After a while, it stopped being awkward talking about it, everyone kinda moved on (especially knowing that we plan to get married) and my best friend out of the bunch of them is even coming to stay with us in a couple months. I’m sure after some time this will blow over with your Mom too. The more confident you are though about the issue, the less people will feel like they can bully you over it.
Welcome to WB, by the way! Wanna be on our waiting list?? 😀