Mother has nothing good to say about my wedding… long, sorry.

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ugh…I am so sorry. *hugs* There really are no words for that. At least you are married to an amazing person and its sounds like you had a beautiful wedding. Be thankful for that! He/She is your family now. 🙂

Embrace that instead…and pour yourself a nice glass of wine! haha

Post # 4
Member
1881 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Sounds like Mom is jealous. Try to find some ways to show her how appreciative you are. Maybe make up a photo album of pics featuring just her and you (and your family). Maybe sure there aren’t any of MIL in them.

Post # 5
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Gosh, if I didn’t know better I’d wonder if you were my sister writing about our mother’s behavior towards her and her wedding!!!

For whatever reason, my sister is just closer to her MIL than she is to our mother. There’s nothing wrong with our mother, but her personality is different and quite a bit more … ummm … unkempt than sis’s MIL (and sis herself). And I have listened to my mother complain about my sister’s wedding for years. Literally for years. She bitched that my sister had all her SILs as her bridesmaids but couldn’t be bothered to include either me or my brother in the bridal party … she bitched that she wasn’t invited to be part of all the girls getting ready, so instead she and I and another couple went and had our hair done at a salon where Mom ranted about the MOG the entire time … she bitched about the photos and the photo album she received, which were so full of pictures of sis’s hubby’s family that Mom demanded “if there’s even any proof that any of us were at the wedding at all!!!”

So, I totally understand where you’re coming from, because after listening to this crap from my mom for years, I can’t help but feel really bad for my sister. Even though Mom doesn’t say stuff like this to her directly, it’s hardly a state secret and I’m sure my sister is keenly aware of exactly how Mom feels.

I think it’s a little bit of human nature for the MOB and the MOG to clash over their children’s wedding, because it’s just such a joint show that neither can really take all the credit for. My mom felt jilted because they put a bunch of money towards a wedding that she felt wasn’t about them or their side of the family at all. My sister surely feels jilted because her own mother’s behavior drove her so hard into the arms of her new family. And the more my sister drifted towards her new family, the more my mom complained, pushing her even harder, and it was just a self-fulfilling prophecy of doom!

All that being said (whew), I think that if you want to repair things with your mom, you need to sit her down and talk about it. Just lay it all out. And let her put in her whole side of the story too, even if you think it’s absolute nonsense and not even remotely an accurate representation of what happened. I so wish my sister and mother had done this, but they didn’t, and now their relationship is STILL strained. My sister has an 8-month-old baby that is my parents’ first grandkid and she absolutely spends more time with the “other” grandparents than with my family. And I don’t blame my sister for this one bit. My mom drove her away.

Someone has to be the “bigger man” and just sit down and lay it all out, and it sounds like it has to be you. You don’t want to lose your whole relationship with your mother forever over this — because I’m sure that it’s breaking your mother’s heart. Even though it’s really her own fault.

Sorry this was so long — I just had to share since the story sounded so similar!!!

Post # 8
Member
5483 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MsBlackberry:  wait, did I write this?? You’re not alone, op!!

Post # 9
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

OK, so I’m going to give an unpopular opinion here. I agree that it sounds like your mom is a difficult personality, coupled with ahving a lot on her plate and being further away from you. I’m guessing all of this contributes to the distance.

 

In what you posted, it doesn’t sound like you are giving your mom much reassurance that you’ve heard her or much empathy. I’m not saying any of the things she disliked about the wedding are valid, but she seems to be hurting that you are so close with your in laws and that she is missing out. As a mother, that must be really hard for her to see, even if she created that situation or the environment creates it (distance, etc). I think you would get more positive reactions from her if she felt heard. Even if you could bring yourself to say “It sounds like you really wish you could have been a bigger part of the day, I get that”. Perhaps if you can muster it a “Me too”. Look, I get she is difficult, but you’re creating an environment where even the most patient person wouldn’t feel heard and get frustrated. Telling her it’s her own fault might be true, but isn’t really helpful, especially when it’s over.She seems to be repeating the same underlying message “I’m sad I missed out, I wish I were closer to you”.

 

You can’t change her, but if you can change your reactions, you’ll probably get more of what you want from her and a more peaceful relationship.

Post # 10
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@MsBlackberry:  Wow, that is rough. Why can’t parents be the adults? It stinks when they put their issues on their kids and make their kids’ lives harder. 

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