Post # 1
My daughter is getting married this June and has had problems with her soon-to-be mil from day one. My daughter has been with her fiancé for 2 ½ years and the mil still brings out old photo albums during family get togethers of his old ex-girlfriends.
My daughter’s biological father (we were married) when he was sent to prison when she was 4 yrs old and never helped financially or had anything to do with her or her sister for 27 years – until recently. When I married again my “new” husband adopted both girls. I found he was not only mentally abusing me but also my daughter and divorced him. He did help some with the financial obligation but his actions left her with many mental problems she finally overcame.
I eventually married again to a wonderful man (Jim) that treated both my daughters as his own. We were married for 12 years but passed quickly (due to cancer) 5 years ago. Because of the actions of both “fathers” my daughter wants me to walk her down the aisle – which I feel is an honor.
The bridesmaids’ dress is fuchsia and I found a pretty navy blue dress for me to blend in since she wants me to sit at the head table with the rest of the party. My daughter showed her in-laws a picture and color of my dress two months ago.
My daughter found out late last night that her MIL purchased a navy blue dress to wear – the same color of MY dress! I can return my dress but now am searching for a new one. Do you feel it would be appropriate to wear a dark red dress to blend in with the fuchsia?
Any weddings we attend (since Jim’s death) we have to leave before the Daughter/Father dance or we end up being a blubbering mess of crying. It brings back too many memories of Jim not being here with us.
Her MIL knows she will not have the Daughter/Father dance but is STILL insisting on a Mother/Groom dance at the reception. This will put a depressing cloud over her wedding. Her fiancé understands (he witnessed our actions at one wedding) but does not want to upset his mother by not having the dance. What can be done???
Post # 3
Can her SO talk to his mom about the dance? I think that’s very inappropriate and rude in my opinion.
And about the dress, talk to her about it first. But it seems like it would be okay.
And I am so sorry you’ve had to go through so much!
Post # 4
I’m sorry you’re both dealing with so much. These are obviously emotionally charged issues. The main one seems to be the Mother/Son dance. I totally sympathize, I can’t imagine how difficult that would be for you. But, for your daughters fiance and his Mother, that will be a tender and sentimental moment. I don’t think its necessarily right to take that away from them. As far as the dress goes, she shouldn’t have gotten a navy one as well. Its great that you’re ok with changing yours. I think you can definitely wear a dark red dress, it will be beautiful.
Post # 5
I’m sorry that your daughter is having a hard time with her FMIL, and you’re very sweet to be concerned about her. That being said, I’m not sure it’s a problem if the two of you wear the same color–and I certainly don’t think she meant it as any sort of jab at you. I’ve been to a lot of weddings where both mothers wear a similar color or shade to go with the bridal party. Obviously, this isn’t everyone’s taste, so if you want to return your dress, that’s just fine. As far as the father/daughter and mother/son dances go, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I can’t imagine how sad it must be for both of you that she can’t have that experience. However, is it really fair to the groom and his mother to take that experience away from them also? Can you and your daughter dance together while the groom and his mom dance as well? I know that if it were my son, I would want to share that special moment with him, and this could be an opportunity for you to share another moment with your daughter, since you have clearly been so important to her. Good luck to both of you.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry you and your daughters have gone thru so much! I completely understand where you’re coming from in regards to the father/daughter dance, and I’m sure it’s extremely hard for you both.
However, I think you’ve got to remember that this may be really important to the grooms mother, as well as the groom. I agree with some of the other posters, I dont think it’s really fair for you to take that away from them. @mrsmdphd had a great idea – why dont you dance with your daughter instead?
I hope everything works out 🙂
Post # 7
I’m with mrsmdphd and GFox- it’s not really right to not let the MOG and Groom not have the dance because she won’t have a father to dance to, as sad as it is. I was going to suggest that she dance with you. Or is there anothe male figure involved in her life?
As far as the dress, I don’t think it is a problem that you have the same color. It may even be a different shade.
Post # 8
I think it would be nice if the groom and MOG danced together but not necessarily as a dance where everyone watches. I would feel pretty bad too if I were your daughter and I think her groom and the MOG should be sympathetic to that. So maybe they could share a dance as the dance floor opens up after the couples first dance. I don’t think it should be any less special for them just because everyone isn’t watching.
Also, I think you should wear whatever dress make you feel great and look great in. I think the navy would look the best with fuschia, personally. So I kind of think the MOG should return her dress, not you!
Post # 9
I think the MIL is being incredibly insensitive both about the dance and the photos. In regards to the dance, she needs to back down. It’s just not ok to rub that in someone’s face. If your daughter’s FI understands that, he needs to stand up for her. His mom will just have to understand. I think dancing with your daughter would be wonderful, though.
In regards to dark red, I don’t think that goes with fuscia very well…personally. Is it possible she picked navy so she could match you on purpose? My mom was always under the impression she and my MIL were supposed to wear the same color. Maybe she didn’t know better, but judgng by the way she’s acted otherwise, i don’t know that she deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Many shades of green look nice with fuscia, so does orange (tough color to pull off though). How does your daughter feel about you wearing champagne or blush? those are always pretty colors in my opinion.
Post # 10
I’m sorry you’re going through this!!
Although I understand what other posters are saying regarding the MOG and her son have a special moment…I personally don’t see how it could be very special if it really hurts the bride’s feelings in a very personal way.
I saw one wedding where instead of a father/daughter dance, the bride and mother danced together and had a slide show with pictures of the father playing on a wall behind them.
Don’t worry about the dress color. Navy will be very pretty next to the bridesmaids and it’s ok if the MOB and MOG have the same color.
Post # 11
Does your daughter have a grandfather or a close uncle that could do it? My dad might not make to my wedding. And if he does not make it I will be dancing with my grandpa. Sorry for all that you went thru thru the years!
Post # 12
I think if the FH is fine not having a dance with his mother, then everyone else should be too.
This Future MIL is obviously obsessed with herself. Can’t she have a private moment with her son at the wedding that doesn’t involve stealing the show a la Dancing with the Stars and making his Future Wife terribly upset by stirring up even more feelings about her father that isn’t there to share her joy?
Again, I stress, if the Future Husband is OK with this, then no other opinions matter. Don’t make this poor mother or her daughter upset with your comments about taking something away from the FH’s mom.
Why are these dances so important to you bloggers? I say do something fun like a wedding wide Macarena or something so EVERYONE is included.
Post # 13
I suggest a mother/daughter dance!
Also I think the dark red dress will go well!
At my wedding, my mom wore a plum outfit and my bridesmaids wore red and it looked fine!
Post # 14
First of all, you sound like a wonderful mother! I’m so sorry that you and your daughters have had to endure so much unhapiness over the years. Hopefully everything can work out so that your daughter’s wedding day is everything you both hoped it would be.
In terms of the dress, I wouldn’t worry about it. I think that two dresses in Navy (the obviously will not be the same dress) will both look beautiful in the pictures. In regards to the Mother/ Son dance, I see what you mean. I think that this is the time for your daughter to have a serious discussion with her FI so that he can talk to FMIL about why your daughter does not want a Mother/ Son dance. There comes a time when a man needs to choose his wife/ fiance over his mother and this may be it… where the prescendent is set. I would try to have him indicate that the most important thing to him on the day of their wedding is her (your daughter), particularly her feelings, especially considering this touchy subject. If the FMIL still wants the dance, then tough luck. I can’t imagine that she is the person who is actually giving the DJ the list of songs, etc. Your daughter can specifically tell the DJ that no mother/ son dance will occur.
Post # 15
Ithin kthat Fi and his mom should be able to have a mother/son dance. YOu know you and your daughter could take a break while they are dancing, and go someplace else for a few minutes.
The whole thing with the photos of the exes is inappropriate. I’m not sure if you’re implying that the whole mother/son dance is some direct jab to upset you both. But unless you really know anything like that for sure, I would assume that she simply wants to have this one moment with her son, something that she might have looked forward to from the time he was little. (Maybe like how you might have looked forward to dress shopping with your daughter for her wedding gown, all her life.)
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry you have rough time at weddings. But I don’t believe it’s right to insist she doesn’t get her dance. (And while it’s great the groom is on his bride’s side, I think this is something he should stick up for his mom on.)