Post # 1
Please I need advice on who to deal with my Fiancé’s (bride) mother. Here is the background. My fiancé and I got engaged a a couple of months ago. We are both 24 years old, she is finishing up grad school and I work as a RN. Up until our engagment and wedding planning her parents and I have gotten along wonderfully. After we got engaged her mother told us that they would pay for the wedding or at least most of it ($20,000). What we didn’t know is that accepting that $20,000 would mean her mom final say on EVERY LAST DETAIL every time we would suggest something we like or disagree with something she wants her mother would yell, scream, shout profanities towards us and threaten to not pay a single penny. Now I don’t want to sound ungrateful but the issue with this besides we can’t stand any of her mothers ideas is that the $20,000 only covers the venue, DJ and my fiances guest list! I would have to come up with $15,700 to pay the rest of the vendors and my family! My fiancé and retired to explain since we are putting in an almost an equal amount of money that we should have a say on at least the venue, but this just threw her mother into another tantrum. We recently decided to decline her mothers contributions and cover the wedding 100% ourselves, we would have a much small guest list but have the wedding we want. Well now her mother has kicked my fiancé out of the house and told her that if we go through with planning and paying for our own wedding not only will she not attended but she will make sure not a single person from her family attends and her family will disown her. My fiancé is in termoil, she graduats in 2 months and can’t focus on anything because her mom counties to harass her. What can we do? What can I do to comfort her support her? Our relationship has suffered greatly and I don’t want this to break us. I love this woman with every last inch of my heart but have no one to turn to. I just want to see my love smile again
Post # 3
Call her mom’s bluff. Even with all her ranting and threats, I really doubt she’d miss her daughter’s wedding. If she does? Then she’s a piece of shit.
Just remain very calm in all your interactions with her and treat her as you would treat a crazy person. Keep repeating “thank you for your input, but we’ve decided what we want to do.”
Post # 4
She’ll post for the wedding. It would look awkward for her if she didn’t. GOOD JOB on not taking the money from her.
Post # 5
Agreed. Good job to both of you for standing up for your wedding.
This mother sounds very manipulative and overbearing. Your fiance is probably a girl who may want nothing more to please her mother. (I know this situation very well)
My mom would always have us sign contracts if she gave us money and would flash it in our faces if we went against our agreement. Is there a possibility that a written statement from her could appease both sides? It’s silly in a “I can’t believe it’s come to this” sort of way, but it works. That way, both sides have their opinions outlined clearly which means the lines are clearly drawn.
Post # 6
@Dezi88: Wow, this sounds a bit ridiculous. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You should just do what you want and forget the mom. She will probably (hopefully) see the error of her ways before the wedding comes around. If not, that’s sad but you and your fiancé deserve to be happy!
Post # 7
Thanks everyone for your advice. I guess when you’re in the middle of the all drama it’s hard to see any solution. I am hoping that this all just a bluff and blows over soon. My future Mother-In-Law is always used to getting everything her away without challenge and I don’t think she knows how to deal with the fact she is no longer getting her way with us.
Post # 8
Post # 9
She is used to getting her own way because she has been so successful in throwing fits and intimidating people. I was raised by an aunt who was exactly the same way. No one came to my first wedding because she didn’t approve and if they crossed her, she would make their life Hell.
I’m a 3 time (so far) MOB. CALL HER BLUFF. Seriously.
If people don’t show you guys have still drawn a line in the sand and set boundaries for your marriage. That was one of the best things I ever did. Trust me, call her bluff and DO NOT back down. It was the beginning of my aunt seeing she couldn’t run me like she tried to run everyone else.
Good luck to both of you, and great decision to not accept her money.
Post # 10
You are SO DOING THE RIGHT THING. I understand your Fiance is terribly upset by this, but it is better in the long run. Otherwise you are going to deal with this the rest of your life…house, kids, etc. Setting boundaries now will be hard but immensely beneficial in the long run.
My grandmother pulled something like this with my mother when she was a newlywed. After graduating from grad school my parents briefly moved in with my grandparents while looking for a house. One day grandma said something so horrible and manipulative that when my grandparents were out for a walk my dad left work and secretly moved them out of the house. They did not leave a note, no number, no new address. They didn’t speak for 4 years. This included the time my sister and I were born and my grandmother managed to get most of the extended family not to attend baby showers/namings/birthdays. It was horrible, but also wonderful–my parents were freed from the manipulation and the meanness. My sister and I never had to hear someone being so mean to my mother. And when grandma did enter back into our lives she knew what the lines were she could not cross. Honestly, we all benefited from that. I hope your situation doesn’t get as bad as that, but even if it does, know that in the end it might be a blessing in disguise.
Post # 11
She won’t miss her own daughters wedding, and if she did just over a venue choice then she wasn’t a good mother to begin with.
Post # 12
Take whatever money you planned on spending on a wedding and Elope! Tell her she doesnt have to worry about not coming because SHE is not invited. Sounds immature maybe but it would eliminate any more threats. Make it about you and your fiance and no one else, especially if you feel like this could make or break your relationship.