- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
First off I want to say I’m sorry for the long post…a lot has gone on between my MIL and myself over the last 3 years.
I’ll start from the beginning. I met my future-husband through mutual friends and at first it seemed like we were not going to be any more than friends. We eventually started dating and things went pretty fast from there. His mom never liked me. I met his family a lot in the first year we were dating. I was always polite, respectful, and social with them so we would all be able to get to know each other. My husband is the youngest, his only sibling was his brother who is 4 years older. His brother was still living at home, working a part-time job and living off of his parents. On our first anniversary he bought me a really pretty promise ring, and I bought him some cologne and a dog-tag necklace with an engraving on it. When we stopped at his parents house (where he still lived as he was still 20) before dinner his mom wanted to see our gifts, so we showed her. One look at the promise ring and she exclaimed “Well, SURELY you’re not engaged! That would be RIDICULOUS!” How embarrassing! I stayed silent, and we left shortly after.
We did get engaged shortly before our 2nd anniversary. We told our parents and grandparents the night it happened because we were so excited, and the most I got from his mom and brother were “Good for you…” (His brother has always hated me because he felt like I was stealing his brother from him…now that my husband and I are married his brother has actually backed off ALOT and we are starting to get along YAY!)
The next day after getting engaged she sat us down and told me that I was not good enough for her son, and she didn’t think that he actually loved me because he never gushed about me to her. She said we were too young (21) and we didn’t know what we were doing, and she didn’t believe that I was accepting God into my life and I was just faking it to please her family (I got saved in August, it was my choice, not one I made because of her or my husband…) We moved on from her negative comments and began planning the wedding.
She tried profusely to take complete control over everything she could, so much so as she would buy things and then surprise me with these “gifts” and most of the time I hated them, so I said no thanks. I was NOT a bridezilla, I tried my hardest to be a calm and cool bride, and my bridesmaids have all agreed I handled planning the wedding very well. She messaged my maid of honor on Facebook about a bridal shower in July (we had a September wedding) and then told my maid of honor that it was her responsibility to plan a shower, not the MILs. My MOH said thats fine I will, and then got another message from my MIL saying “Nevermind I will do it”. My MOH let it go, and continued helping me with planning the wedding. On my actual shower (1 weekend before the wedding because my MIL was not wanting to even have one anymore…) she bossed my friends/bridesmaids around like they were slaves my mom was actually shocked how she was treating them. I told my husband this afterwards and he was shocked by her behaviour.
Now that we are actually married (for 3 months) things have become much worse. She makes snide comments about my cooking “Wow, you made this all by yourself??” “Ever since he moved in with you he’s gotten fat!” He’s actually lost 25 lbs because of the healthy food I feed him instead of the frozen food he was getting at his parents’ house!! She loves to make snide comments about me! She calls and talks to him for sometimes more than a half hour, when I ask what she wanted my husband says “She just called to tell me she loves and misses me…” EW! I mean come on! I get that he doesn’t live there anymore and she misses him, but do you need to call at least twice a week with these calls?!? She really loves to put on the guilt-trip both on the phone and when we stop by for a visit. No matter how long we stay it is not good enough for her, and when we go to leave she says things like “You never stay long anymore!” “Why do you have to leave? Stay here and I will cook for you!” “I guess I’m a second class citizen now to you guys…” “I never see you anymore, don’t you love me?!” It makes going over to her house unbearable because eventually we leave and then get the guilt trip!
When she calls (he answers and talks in front of me) my husband has started noticing that she asks “How are you? How are the dogs?” and then “forgets” to ask about me, I mentioned this to him and he agreed that it was really rude and he was angry about it. I asked him to please talk to her, because pretending I don’t exist is not going to make our relationship healthy. He said he would…and then “forgot”.
In the past he has had to confront his brother about his brothers bad behaviour towards me, and I think he just doesn’t want to talk to his mom. His mom gets her way with the family, they all cave and let her win arguments, and this is just how it has always been but I’m not going to accept that! She’s not my mom, but besides that, she should not get away with her bad behaviour! I keep telling the husband that “If this were my mom I would have taken care of it a long time ago!” and it’s true! If anyone said or acted negatively towards my husband they would be dealing with me!
My husband is the “baby” and I’m just not sure if he doesn’t want to confront her because she’s his mom. He always has had this people-pleasing skill, one I usually value, but now it seems like he would rather please his mom by not saying anything. I feel like he is taking her side by not acknowledging her bad behaviour to her.
When she calls now I can’t help but feel sick to my stomach. I HATE spending time with her, and try to avoid it at all costs. The thought of her just makes me want to cry or scream!
I’m not sure how much longer I can put up with her guilt, her ignoring me, the comments…I feel so alone and helpless and it is making me resent my husband because I feel like he should be DOING something about it! I don’t understand how if you love someone, how could you let someone else hurt them and then not do anything??
Any HELPFUL thoughts would be appreciated.