Mother-in-law hates me……advice please

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
496 posts
Helper bee

You should stay out of it and not be around for the conversation. If she can easily sway him just because you stepped away, then what is going to happen when you move closer?

Post # 5
Member
3633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Personally, I find it interesting that your husband wants to move closer to her when he’s cutting off most communication with her. Regardless, if this is how your MIL acts, I would not pack up my bags and move far away from my family. If she sways him to her side and if there’s drama, you will be all alone in another country.

Post # 6
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ugh.

I wouldn’t be in the room for the Skype session, but I might listen quietly outside the door. Not to hear what she’s saying, but to hear what your DH is saying to her.

I’m also worried about the moving there possibility.

Post # 8
Member
238 posts
Helper bee

@lilbluebird:  +1

 

I’d be very cautious about packing up my life, and moving closer to someone that couldn’t give 2 shiznits about my well being. Did y’all plan on moving to Canada for your own reasons or is it pressure from his family?

MIL’s like this have one motive on their mind. GET RID OF THE OTHER WOMAN. If all she does is bad mouth you then you know where you stand in her life. If she’s desperately trying to rally up the troops aka get other family member to side with her, then be prepared for more drama.

Not saying he doesn’t, but your husband needs to have a very sturn backbone with her. Otherwise, she’ll continue to try and lecture him about his “mistake” – you.

My FH communicates very rarely with his family because of this exact reason. Too much nagging and talking about me instead of discussing the minor issues.

 

Post # 9
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@lilbluebird:  Just because the OP’s DH wants to move back to Canada doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to be closer to his abusive mum.  This isn’t my relationship now, but I had a previous relationship with someone whose family lived in a different part of the country.  He always missed his home town, and to be honest, Vancouver IS a lot prettier than Toronto.  Snowy mountains beat slushy concrete any day.

@weddingadvice99:  My advice would be similar to the other advice you’ve seen.  Distance yourself from her drama.  Don’t engage her.  But don’t distance yourself from the rest of the family.  Be as sweet as you naturally are to everyone you can, and in time, people who want to reconnect will do so, and the people who are too swayed by your MIL’s nastiness … well, who need ’em?  There is joy and beauty all around.  Focus on that instead.  The rest will sort itself out.

If in a few years you move back and she hasn’t changed her tune, it’ll be a different problem, and there will be a new set of bees to provide new advice.  🙂

 

Post # 10
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m torn on this one. One part of me says that you should stay out of it and just let him do the skype session alone with his mom (though I would want to listen to see how he responds to her). But the other part of me says that she shouldn’t be able to call the shots. You are his wife. The conversation is obviously going to be about you (at least partly) and you have a right to hear what is being said and to respond.

If it were me I’d probably insist on being included. None of this childish business of, “oh I don’t want an audience.” No, I guess you don’t want an audience when you’d probably just be badmouthing that audience. If there are issues then as adults you should all be able to discuss them together.

I would reconsider the plans to move back to his hometown. Then you’ll have to deal with her all the time! And think about when (if) you have children! Ahh! I’d definitely talk that one over a lot before making the move. Your DH obviously realizes that his parents are unreasonable.

Post # 12
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

@weddingadvice99:  I always feel so bad for DILs when I hear these stories! As a MIL-in-waiting I hope I have a good relationship with my future DILs (I have three sons and no daughters.) The best advice I can offer you is to never lower your behaviour to her standards, be the sweet you that others know you as even to her (maybe even especially to her Wink – you know kil`em with kindness.)

 

Thats the tactic my hubby took with my father. I credit my hubbys naturally sweet and sunny nature because my dad behaved very poorly! My dad went so far as to try and keep my hubby from coming on a family vacation (we had been married for three years at that point!) Although I had set boundaries with my dad, at that time I made it very very clear that my husband comes first and I would not be going on a familyvacation when a significant member of my family was being excluded. My mom and other family members loved my husband and really couldnt understand my father. My husband never altered his behaviour, he was helpful and kind towards my parents always. It took five years, but eventually my dad thawed and he and my husband are on good terms! Ive been married 29 years and when I mention to my dad how poorly he behaved at first, he claims to have no memory of it!

 

Hang in there, make sure your husband sets appropriate boundaries with his mom, dont alter your behaviour, dont try to keep him apart from his family (that tactic can backfire,) annoying and painful as it may be try to visit his family with him so that they have an opportunity to get to know you. Hopefully, eventually when she sees that her son is happy she will come around! 

 

PS – you should definitely be there for the skype convo – and your husband should want you there! It is a strong message to his mom that you are not merely an audience, you are his wife. 

((hugs))

 

Post # 13
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

stay out of it. your husband can handle it himself.

Post # 16
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you should just let him talk to his mother on his own, but ask him to tell her to stop (“Mom, we’ve had this discussion before and I won’t listen to you bad-mouthing X. If you can’t be civil then I’m not going to talk to you.”) and then hang up if she starts badmouthing you for any reason. Trying to insist on being there as well is just going to inflame things (and I don’t know why you would want to listen to her poisonous rubbish anyway). Your husband should be able to handle it.

 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors