Post # 1
Long story short my mother in law hates me. Anyone who has ever met me likes me, but she on the other hand finds me to be a horrible person. Her and my husband’s family are from the English speaking part of Canada and i’m from the USA. We’re living in the USA and thankfully hardly ever see her. My mother in law has pulled other people on her “side” like my husband’s brother. My mother in law and brother in law didn’t even come to our wedding over the summer because they werent’ allowed to stay with my family. But we offered help with finding accomodations and wanted to make plans for when they could come over to have dinner etc. We wanted them to come, but keep a safe distance, because his mother in law is bad news and a trouble maker lol. I literally am one of the nicest people ever, but I think she is jealous because her son is no longer living in her country. It astounds me how horribly she has spoken about me from the day she met me though. It’s very abusive and my husband used to fall for it, until I made him realize a year after we started dating how wrong/jealous she is. My husband has pretty much stopped communication with her because all she ever does is talk badly about me, even if he has tried to work a situation out, she just keeps repeating the same thing and being abusive. Well after a couple months of not talking etc she sends my husband an e-mail saying she wants to talk to him “alone” with “no audience” (whatever that means?). I don’t understand why she can’t ever be polite/nice. I can only imagine she’ll have abusive things to say to my husband, like I can’t believe you married so and so etc, because ever time they talk nothing good comes from it. Should I stay out of this or should my husband include me in on the skype session? We never recieved a card or congratulations e-mail for our marriage or anything. :/ And my husband is considering visiting them for Christmas…..and eventually in 4 years we plan on moving to Canada…..
Post # 3
You should stay out of it and not be around for the conversation. If she can easily sway him just because you stepped away, then what is going to happen when you move closer?
Post # 5
Personally, I find it interesting that your husband wants to move closer to her when he’s cutting off most communication with her. Regardless, if this is how your MIL acts, I would not pack up my bags and move far away from my family. If she sways him to her side and if there’s drama, you will be all alone in another country.
Post # 6
I wouldn’t be in the room for the Skype session, but I might listen quietly outside the door. Not to hear what she’s saying, but to hear what your DH is saying to her.
I’m also worried about the moving there possibility.
Post # 7
Thanks for your advice, everyone. My husband has been sticking up for me the past couple years, so I doubt she’d be able to sway him again. He loves his hometown more so than anything, the lifestyle, his friends, his dad, etc. I’d just be very far away from my family.
Post # 8
I’d be very cautious about packing up my life, and moving closer to someone that couldn’t give 2 shiznits about my well being. Did y’all plan on moving to Canada for your own reasons or is it pressure from his family?
MIL’s like this have one motive on their mind. GET RID OF THE OTHER WOMAN. If all she does is bad mouth you then you know where you stand in her life. If she’s desperately trying to rally up the troops aka get other family member to side with her, then be prepared for more drama.
Not saying he doesn’t, but your husband needs to have a very sturn backbone with her. Otherwise, she’ll continue to try and lecture him about his “mistake” – you.
My FH communicates very rarely with his family because of this exact reason. Too much nagging and talking about me instead of discussing the minor issues.
Post # 9
@lilbluebird: Just because the OP’s DH wants to move back to Canada doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to be closer to his abusive mum. This isn’t my relationship now, but I had a previous relationship with someone whose family lived in a different part of the country. He always missed his home town, and to be honest, Vancouver IS a lot prettier than Toronto. Snowy mountains beat slushy concrete any day.
@weddingadvice99: My advice would be similar to the other advice you’ve seen. Distance yourself from her drama. Don’t engage her. But don’t distance yourself from the rest of the family. Be as sweet as you naturally are to everyone you can, and in time, people who want to reconnect will do so, and the people who are too swayed by your MIL’s nastiness … well, who need ’em? There is joy and beauty all around. Focus on that instead. The rest will sort itself out.
If in a few years you move back and she hasn’t changed her tune, it’ll be a different problem, and there will be a new set of bees to provide new advice. 🙂
Post # 10
I’m torn on this one. One part of me says that you should stay out of it and just let him do the skype session alone with his mom (though I would want to listen to see how he responds to her). But the other part of me says that she shouldn’t be able to call the shots. You are his wife. The conversation is obviously going to be about you (at least partly) and you have a right to hear what is being said and to respond.
If it were me I’d probably insist on being included. None of this childish business of, “oh I don’t want an audience.” No, I guess you don’t want an audience when you’d probably just be badmouthing that audience. If there are issues then as adults you should all be able to discuss them together.
I would reconsider the plans to move back to his hometown. Then you’ll have to deal with her all the time! And think about when (if) you have children! Ahh! I’d definitely talk that one over a lot before making the move. Your DH obviously realizes that his parents are unreasonable.
Post # 11
@adoc86: Thanks for your reply! I am torn too. I don’t know if I should insist on being included in the conversation or not. I mistakenly didn’t mention my husband e-mailed her yesterday and said that they needed to speak on skype because via e-mail is poor communication. She replied saying she’d speak to him only under one condition, that there would be no audience. I don’t know if I should ask my husband to reply “My wife and I would like to speak to you” then she probably wouldn’t talk to him at all.
Post # 12
@weddingadvice99: I always feel so bad for DILs when I hear these stories! As a MIL-in-waiting I hope I have a good relationship with my future DILs (I have three sons and no daughters.) The best advice I can offer you is to never lower your behaviour to her standards, be the sweet you that others know you as even to her (maybe even especially to her – you know kil`em with kindness.)
s the tactic my hubby took with my father. I credit my hubbys naturally sweet and sunny nature because my dad behaved very poorly! My dad went so far as to try and keep my hubby from coming on a family vacation (we had been married for three years at that point!) Although I had set boundaries with my dad, at that time I made it very very clear that my husband comes first and I would not be going on a
familyvacation when a significant member of my family was being excluded. My mom and other family members loved my husband and really couldn
t understand my father. My husband never altered his behaviour, he was helpful and kind towards my parents always. It took five years, but eventually my dad thawed and he and my husband are on good terms! Ive been married 29 years and when I mention to my dad how poorly he behaved at first, he claims to have no memory of it!
Hang in there, make sure your husband sets appropriate boundaries with his mom, don
t alter your behaviour, dont try to keep him apart from his family (that tactic can backfire,) annoying and painful as it may be try to visit his family with him so that they have an opportunity to get to know you. Hopefully, eventually when she sees that her son is happy she will come around!
PS – you should definitely be there for the skype convo – and your husband should want you there! It is a strong message to his mom that you are not merely an audience, you are his wife.
Post # 13
stay out of it. your husband can handle it himself.
Post # 14
Hmmm lots to think about thank you bees!!!! Any other insight appreciated muchly!!
Post # 15
bumpp… any other advice? Many thanks!
Post # 16
I think you should just let him talk to his mother on his own, but ask him to tell her to stop (“Mom, we’ve had this discussion before and I won’t listen to you bad-mouthing X. If you can’t be civil then I’m not going to talk to you.”) and then hang up if she starts badmouthing you for any reason. Trying to insist on being there as well is just going to inflame things (and I don’t know why you would want to listen to her poisonous rubbish anyway). Your husband should be able to handle it.