Post # 1
My fiance’s family is wonderful, they really are. Albeit, they are very different from my own (much much more religious, very quite and from a very small family). The two families get along great, but recently there has been some issues with wedding planning.
My fiance’s family is contributing very little to the wedding both financially and in terms of helping out in general (this we have accepted and gotten past). However; his mother has become a bit demanding.
I created schedules for the day of the wedding to help give everyone a rough estimate of who needs to be where and when. Due to the fact that we only have one makeup artist, our itinerary the day of the wedding needed to start at 7:00 a.m to accomodate all the bridesmaid’s (6 of them) and mothers’ makeup etc… I sent her the schedule with her and her daughter (a bridesmaid) near the top of the schedule (so his mom and her could go see my fiance before the wedding etc…). I got an abrupt e-mail back saying that her and her daughter “need to sleep in” and need to be fresh so will get their makeup done at the end. I was so angry, what entitles her and her daughter to the “best spots?” over the other bridesmaids, me and my mom? She refused to take an earlier spot, so i gave her mine and my moms (despite us booking and paying for it as well…)
To add to this distress, his mom e-mailed mine regarding the gift opening the next day. My mom was excited, anticipating they’d offer to help set up etc.. Instead, she told my parents who are hosting the event (by default..) that the time of it needed to be changed to accomodate their friends and the format needed to be entirely changed.. My mom reluctantly agreed but now she is a bit upset too.
I feel very frustrated at the fact that with no real help towards the wedding, she feels so entitled. My parents and I have been more than accomodating and my fiance refuses to confront his mother. Any suggestions? Is honesty the best policy with her or should I just roll with the punches?
Post # 3
It seems like she is making demands, you are going along with them, and then you are getting upset. So the simple solution is to STOP giving in to her demands!
Post # 4
As for the makeup I would calmly respond that you
“I understand you would like to sleep in, but this is the schedule given to us by the makeup artist and we will all be there together having fun at the same time. However, if you would like to go somewhere else for your makeup and meet us at X location at Y time, I understand and will miss you that morning.”
Simple and to the point
Your mother already caved so I say, sadly, she is stuck to what she agreed to.
Post # 5
Yeah, stop giving in. If she would have made that big of a fuss about a makeup spot with me, I would have told her to find her own makeup person then or do her own.
Don’t give in so much. Honestly though if you have lasted this long with no problems until the few weeks before your wedding, you are doing pretty darn well. Many of the bees have problems the whole wedding planning process.
Good luck and don’t give in (you give in on your wedding, you’re going to give in when you have children–so start saying no to your MIL early hon)!
Post # 6
@KAT3: This sucks, the fact that it sounds like your family is putting in the majority of the effort for the wedding and she isn’t trying to help only making more demands is really uncalled for. It seems like you’ve been really nice about it, as you should be since you don’t want to start your marriage off with negativity with the in laws, but definitely she should be confronted in a calm manner by your fiance. It’s his mom and he should absolutely handle this since it’s making you more stressed out.
Post # 7
She behaves like this because it works for her! People only change their behavior when it no longer works for them.
Stop being a part of this by giving in to her demands.
Post # 8
Agree with all the posts above. @ThreeMeers: response is perfect for the make-up ordeal.
Just remember, there is always a very nice way you can say “no.” Stop giving in to things that are not working with your schedule and vendors, but make sure you are still being tactful. Also remember to pick your battles as some things really aren’t that big of a deal (speaking from experience as I’ve learned the hard way with one of mine.) ;0)
Post # 9
You have to stop giving into the demands
Post # 10
WTF NO you DO NOT give up your make up spot to your MIL and SIL. NO NO NO! You take your spot back (you should be going last!) and tell them you’re sorry but that is the time they get. If they don’t like it they need to find their own MUA.
Post # 11
I’m not sure there’s much you can do at this point. Sounds like you’ve already caved and given her what she wants. Good luck.
Post # 12
I agree with the other posters, stop giving in. I’d call or email her and say you spoke to the makeup artist and they recommend the bride going last, so you’re sorry but this is the schedule. They are free to go elsewhere.
Post # 13
Don’t give in. My MIL and SIL like to have their way too…it’s really hard but I am trying to be better at standing my ground and not giving in to just be nice if it is actually inconvenient to me.
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
PP had the exact idea that I had regarding the makeup incident. Saying no to someone is not a bad thing. Both of these requests could easily have been denied without looking like the bad person. Confer with your mother (or us) in the future if you think you’re being unreasonable or not sure before responding to your FMIL’s demands and we’ll tell you like it is. In both of these situations she should have been politely told “no, sorry.”
Post # 15
I would definitely take back my makeup spot. There is no way her and her daughter deserve a better spot then you. As for the rest, if you don’t gently stand up for yourself now, you are in for a lifetime of this treatment. Trust me, I know, I’m the family door mat at times, and it it’s extremely difficult to change once the habits are ingrained.
Post # 16
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Westwood: I agree. Definitely get the makeup thing cleared up ASAP. This is a great way to do it.
As for the issue with the opening party the day after, I think a compromise on time is okay but formatting is left to the host (i.e. your parents.) If you’re mom has a specific way she would like to do it, I would help her inform FMIL that she is the hostess and therefore she will be setting up the formatting. She will gladly take recommendations from FMIL but that doesn’t necessarily mean she will be incorporating them.
Do not let this woman walk all over you and your family! If you let it happen with your wedding is she going to get all of your holidays too? Is going to hog the grandkids from your parents as well? Get your FH in the game. He doesn’t have to be mean to his mother or confront her about these things but he does need to support you if FMIL asks him about it.