Post # 1
This might be long.
Let me start by saying that I love my mother in law. We are close, but there are some things that she should just mind her own business, and not just her, this goes for anyone beside myself and DH.
I had emailed my MIL because I am planning a surprise 30th birthday party for DH! Which I am very excited about as he has never had a surprise party before anddd its a milestone birthday!
MIL emails me back saying that well, it sounds like a great idea, but just keep in mind we have a lot of things going on next year, we have a wedding 2 birthdays, (3 including DH’s), 2 baptisms, so some people might not go.
ANd I kindly replied that I would cut the guest list, keep it just his friends and our mutual friends and just immediate family and she said that sounds fine but we always have something for him at the house anyway. Please save your money.
That last sentence, “save your money” is what annoyed me. Who are you to tell me how to save my money? And this isn’t the first time. I am a little annoyed that she is making me feel like I shouldn’t have a party bc these other events are more important. Sorry, but my DH is the most important person in my life. I am going to make this party happen, and if it ends up only being friends, thats fine. I can have a party without spending thousands of dollars!
We are planning to go to Italy for our 1 year anniversary, I am sure she will be making a comment about how we are not saving our money. We are taking that trip because we know that it will be our last big trip because we plan to start TTC at the end of next year.
Am I wrong for feeling this way? Would anyone else be annoyed at this?
Post # 3
@Daizy914: Wow!! Sounds like FMIL feels like it’s her territory to take care of her son on his Bday.
Post # 4
@Daizy914: This is a tough one because we have the people who were born to save and the people who were born to splurge and the people in the middle who sometimes splurge and sometimes save. Depending on which one you are you have different ideas about money, how it should be spent, when it should be saved etc.
I have a brother who is always crying poor. He earns 80k+ a year, lives at home with my mum and dad, pays no rent, doesn’t pay for food or healthcare. He buys what he wants when he wants it…he is far from poor.
So if you or your partner are crying poor to the inlaws this will create issues and comments like the one she gave you so check with your partner to see what kind of things he is talking about with her. What might be happening is that he may be going on about money woes and so unintentionally creating this situation.
Otherwise she might just be comparing your life to her life and thinking she is helping you. Many inlaws think they are helping when they try to discourage you from spending money. In their book it is almost like they are protecting you…….strange I know but it often seems to be the case! Especially if they know they don’t have the money to help it can be their way of making sure you have enough when you have a family because they wish they could but know they can’t help you out down the line.
Post # 5
@veryberry13: +1 Good point. She could just be treading on toes!!
Post # 6
@One_Day_Ill_Bee_Mrs_G: we are in the middle. we sometimes splurge and but always save when we can. We first pay our bills and whatever is left over, we put away and if we can go to the movies, we will. If we can take a vacation, we take a vacation. We don’t look for reasons to spend money.
We both work full time and bust our asses. I know in a way she is looking out but I just can’t help but feel like she doesn’t want me to have this party for him.
Post # 7
@Daizy914: Unless you guys are taking handouts left right and centre (which I get the impression you are not) then she has no place commenting, whatever her feelings may be. You guys are well and truly old enough to make your own financial decisions (particularly ones as small as throwing a birthday party!)
I don’t know your situation but unless you have a history of being particularly irresponsible with your money, she needs to back off. You can look after yourselves! The only time I feel parent/in-law intervention is warrented is if you were accepting large sums of money from them and splurging it on frivolous things.
Maybe just politely but firmly reassure her that you know what you’re doing and while her concerns are appreciated, they are not necessary.
Post # 8
@Miss_E_xx: You are right, we have never ever, in the 10 years of being together, everrrr taken a hand out from anyone!
I get the impression that because she thinks we go out to the movies, or dinner, or go on a vacation once a year that we are spending or “wasting” money but we can afford it. We are not in debt by any means. So I really don’t see how or why she is so concerned.
I think to avoid any confrontation, I am just going to plan this on my own. I won’t ask her for her opinion. The next time she will hear about this party, is when she gets the invitation.
Involving her in the options of where I am having this party is a big no no because she is anti-drinking. And I plan on having his birthday in a bar. I am going to rent it out and have food catered. Why? Because thats the type of person DH is, laid back, loves a good beer with good company, and good food. He is no the type to have a sit down fancy smancy 30th bday dinner which is what my MIL would do if she was the one planning it LOL
So, I am going to give my DH what he would really want.
Post # 9
@Daizy914: Good plan! you have every right to organise YOUR husbands birthday party and to do it exactly how you like!
And definitely don’t concern yourselves with if or why she feels you may be ‘wasting’ your money, it’s your money and you don’t need her permission to spend it, you can do whatever you want with it!
One thing i’ve learnt even since being engaged is that people have VERY different ways of thinking/acting/running their lives and you need to focus on whats best for you and your partner – my future in-laws are SO lovely but they do things very differently than me and my family and it’s taking some getting used to.. but like my mum said, i’m marrying my fiance, not his family, so we need to do what makes us happy (and you should too 😉 )
Post # 10
@Miss_E_xx: right, you are so right. I was talking to my girlfriend about this and she said exactly what you said. They come fron a different generation and they are all about save save savw. And we do. And i love my in laws but i hate being told how to do things with my money.
Thank you for the advice.