Post # 1
- Wedding: Moorestown Community House
A little background:
DH & I have been married for a little over a year now. We’ve been together for 13 years, we have our own house, and he makes a nice six figure salary. I was laid off from my job and decided to go back to school full time, which DH is very supportive. We’re in the process of starting an internet business and we’ve been trying to have a baby.
MIL and I have always gotten along. I have never had a good relationship with my mom and MIL has always acted like a mom to me. She even let me move in to her house when my mom ran off to Michigan and left me and my sister at home by ourselves for months without any contact (me and sis were only 17!) Needless to say, I’ve always been very grateful for my MIL & FIL and prefer them to my own parents… until recently.
DH & I are always asked when we are going to have kids and our answer has always been “one day”… well that “one day” will be here sooner than later and MIL does not like it. She even told me that we were too young and financially unstable, Im 28 & DH is 29 and we have more than enough money to support a family. Every time I see my MIL at a family party or dinner, she will loudly ask when I will be getting a real job and stop living off her son. She is now constantly emailing me job applications and dropping off the classifieds section from the paper. It has gotten to the point where if I get one more email or help wanted ad I will lose my cool. She makes it a point to say, in front of his DHs brothers and sisters, that she thinks we spend too much money and we wouldn’t be able to handle being parents. Where she gets the idea that she is allowed to comment on our finances is beyond me… but like I said, DH makes six figures and we’re pretty well off financially. DH will not say a word to his mother because he feels she will get upset therefore, he doesn’t want me to say anything but that is simply no longer an option.
I need advice on how to gently tell my MIL that her opinions are getting on my nerves. I’m starting to feel like I’m being verbally attacked every time I go to her house. Any advice on how to handle her?
Post # 2
njfashionista29: It is not my business or anyone’s, but I have to ask, is this the BEST time for a baby? You are not too young or irresponsible. That does not change the fact that you will be in school full time. Sure, it can be done but pregnancy and an infant is stressful enough never mind adding university/college on top of it. Morning sickness during morning lectures? What if something goes wrong? What if you are put on bed rest? You could potentially pay your tuition then be forced to drop out and have lost thousands. Also, you said you are starting up a business. Fun, exciting, challenging and potentially lucrative, however that does not change the fact that some cities are still in a recession and the rest of North America is fighting a recession hangover(according to financial magazines, I am trying to debate the economy or anything). Starting a business always has risks. I’d be lying if I said it is not understandable to think this is not an optimal time to ttc.
Your MIL however has no right, to say you live off her son. You are his wife, not a house guest who has over stayed her welcome. Perhaps tell her that you love her like a mother and when she says those things it really hurts. Marriage is for better or worse, for richer or poorer. Tell her that if the situation was reversed you would not consider her son a financial drain and a free loader.
Post # 3
Your husband sounds like a mommas boy. He doesn’t want to stand up to his mother because he doesn’t want to upset her? What about you, his WIFE? his mother is making you upset and uncomfortable, degrading you, and humiliating you, and in front of family members no less! Does your husband not realize, or does he just not think your discomfort matters as much as keeping his mom happy?
My preference would be to get your husband to understand and stand up for you (I’m in the camp of each of you dealing with issues with your side of the family). You need to both approach your MIL, as a united front, and tell her her behavior is hurtful, and you both do not appreciate it and will not tolerate it any longer (especially your husband, sounds like she values his opinion more than yours because she doesn’t respect you). there needs to be consequences for her for saying and doing those things, and both you and your husband need to be on the same page.
If you can’t get your husband to support you, I would confront her. basically, same thing, tell her her behavior (and give specific instances) is hurtful and insulting, and you wont tolerate it any longer. You don’t need to give her excuses or explain your financial situation to her, she doesn’t need to know that.
Either way, you need to stand up to her and put her in her place. it would be one thing if she was sending you job ads (which can be interpreted as helpful and friendly concern) but the public shaming and humiliating you in front of family members is intentionally malicious on her part.
Good luck OP!
Post # 4
I would ask her what is going on? I mean this seems out of character for her. You said she treats you like a daughter and you two have gotten along very well so maybe there is something else going on? I know that my MIL is very pushy when it comes to her daughter and DILs having their own income, she’s had a few bad marriages so I know where it comes from.
You two are putting alot on your plate at one time. I mean school, a baby and starting your own company… that’s alot to take on at one time. Maybe just sit down with her and talk.
Post # 5
- Wedding: Moorestown Community House
EncoreBridetoBe: thanks so much for your input! I shouldbe mentioned that I’ll be graduating this may. The internet business will be something that’s more of a hobby, it won’t really effect us financially but I do appreciate your insight. DHs sister is getting married in 2 years so idk if that has anything to do with MILs attitude.
Post # 6
njfashionista29: Ok, that makes a difference…I thought you were starting a 2-4 year program. I don’t know why SIL’s wedding would make a difference but people are strange so who knows??
Post # 7
njfashionista29: I don’t have a ton of advice for you, but the most obvious thing I can say is that your DH needs to set some boundaries with her. When she makes these comments, that is the perfect time for him to step up, tell her it’s not appropriate and frankly none of her business. I don’t think either of you need to defend your parenting abilities or financial status with her, and his salary probably isn’t her business either. It could cause conflict, but it is better to deal with it now than when you are pregnant or have a newborn. What does the rest of the family do when she makes these comments in front of them?? I don’t know what the say about her excessive emails other than ignore them completely and pretend like you’ve never gotten them. I wouldn’t be replying with “Thanks!” or anything at this point.
Post # 8
njfashionista29: I agree with PP’s that your DH needs to handle his own family. I’ve seen with my own mother and her MIL (my grandma) how disastrous it can be when confrontations are handled between in-laws. Your best bet in preserving what is (was?) a great MIL relationship is having DH either make a phone call or a visit so that she can hash out whatever she needs to get out of her system, out of earshot of you. DH needs to put his foot down and as for you, I agree to just ignore the rude emails. You’ll get through this rough stage once she accepts that she can’t change your mind.
Post # 9
Your husband should be dealing with her. Use the preggers card if you need to. Until he does, do not engage. Auto delete the emails, throw out anything she gives you. Don’t even read it. When she asks you when you’re getting a job, smile sweetly and say “Not today! Wow, this chicken is delicious”. And just keep repeating. She’ll look like the fool in front of her family, not you. Don’t give her anything more, as soon as you give her a real answer, you open the door.
Post # 10
It’s not her job to pester you about getting a job. It’s also not your job to discuss with her why she’s acting like this. It’s your husband’s job to deal with his side of the family. He needs to stand up for you.
Post # 11
njfashionista29: Your husband needs to grow a backbone and tell her to knock it off. Your financial situation is none of her business and she is being very rude by pestering you about getting a job. When she brings it up or sends you emails, just respond with “We’ve got it covered, thanks.” Rinse and repeat, same phrase every time.
Your husband is prioritizing her feelings over yours and that is a real problem. Why is it ok for her to embarass you in front of people and make you feel awkward? He is supposed to be protecting you above all else.