(Closed) Mother in Law taking over wedding…HELP!!

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1779 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I would suggest a few things.

1. family counseling for the FMIL, fiance, and FFIL.  FMIL has probably been a bully her whole life.

2. It does not matter who is paying, it is YOUR wedding.  You can go to a bunch of etiquette sites and print out what they say.  When parents pay for a wedding, it is considered a GIFT of money. They can suggest things but it is still your decision.

3.  Be a united front and talk to the FMIL and FFIL at once with your fiance.

 

If all else fails… plan a smaller wedding that you will be happy with and pay for it yourselves.  Your FFIL seems like a great guy and he may end up reimbursing you.  Just remember no matter what happens, the happiness and mental/emotional health of you and your fiance is more important than a big fancy wedding.

Good luck!

 

PS- I think it is GREAT you posted on the boards, nothing says you have to be a girl!

Post # 5
Member
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You are definitely not intruding!

I wouldn’t recommend trying to keep your fiance’s mother out of the wedding; as mean as she is, she should still have a chance to see her daughter get married.

You definitely should stand up with your fiance against her mom’s controlling attitude.  At this late in the game, it is completely unacceptable for her to be changing the date.  She would have to have a darn good reason, like her husband going in for surgery the next week or something.  Just randomly changing the date for small reasons is inappropriate and should not be tolerated.  That is added stress to your fiance who is trying to plan this event.

It’s always tough when someone else is paying because you do feel some sort of obligation to go with what they want.  Don’t feel like you’re under that obligation!  It’s still your wedding!  Her mom already got married, and now it’s her and your turn!  You two should probably let her mom know that you’re willing to refuse her money if that’s what it takes.

Best of luck!

Post # 6
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You’re not intruding, it’s YOUR wedding too! Smile

Your situation sounds horrible, and your FMIL sounds completely unreasonable.  I don’t think calm discussions will do anything in your case.

Is there any chance you guys could elope?  That is what I would consider in your situation.

Post # 7
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I have to say that, though I don’t know how you personally feel, I know exactly how your FI feels. Trust me – when she says she just can’t wait until it’s all over, it has nothing to do with you. I wished my wedding over so many times, and my now husband was amazing through the entire thing. My mom was extremely controlling over the entire wedding, even the things that we paid for ourselves. I just wanted to try to keep the peace b/c most of it wasn’t worth it to me. I was marrying the man of my dreams, I didn’t care much for how or where it was, just so long as I got to marry him. It ended up being my mom’s version of a wedding, and it came with a ton of drama. In the end, my honeymoon was the most amazing trip that we ever took, and I was able to get away from my mom.

I know you feel helpless, but the best thing you can do for your FI is be there for her and listen. It’s hard not to tell her what you think or what you want to do, but she will 100% appreciate the fact that you aren’t trying to push or pull her from the other side. I always say that to my husband – as much as my mom tries to control my life from one side, I appreciate that he’s so patient and understanding as to not freak out at me from the other side…b/c I don’t think I’d be able to handle it if he were the same way about things.

I hope things get better for the both of you and her mom doesn’t completely ruin your wedding. Just keep the most important thing in focus…the two of you will be married at the end of the day. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Though yes it is YOUR wedding, if your not paying for it and they are, then there are going to be strings.  Honestly, if that is your FMIL’s personality type, then you guys have two options – 1) pay for everything yourselves and have the wedding you truly want, or 2) let her pay and accept that nothing is going to be the way you want it to be.  Like I said, even though it’s your wedding, if you’re not the ones paying, then they have every right to spend their money the way they see fit.  It’s sucks, but it’s their money.  Good luck!

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