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Normally, I'd say that you should sit down and have a mature discussion with all involved. But really? Crying at the news of an engagment? My advice is to apply for a job 16 states away and move. It's time to cut the cord.
Though you might want to be careful throwing the word "unclassy" around. Plenty of people have backyard, potluck weddings that are perfectly nice.
I wish I had some good advice. I am in a similar situation and I still can't figure out how to handle. It's been about six months since the inital FMIL freakout and we are still feeling its effects. If anything, I feel your pain.
We've tried to talk to ours and she just makes herself out to be the victim every time and at this point, we've hardly talked wedding stuff with her because it's just not fun. haha.
Is his mom going to be assisting with the payment of the wedding? If so, then I would probably try to use some of her ideas (if they are realistic to you). You don't want to go around doing everything she wants either, I think that will paint the wrong picture.
You and FI are a team now, you have to maintain a united front. (This is advice I keep getting as well.)
Good luck. I hope she calms down. :(
Oh darlin, we have very similar situations!! Except, I have been engaged for 9 months, and my MIL still refuses to say she is happy for us! She cried when we told her we were engaged, and then has argued every single detail with us ever since. We tried to keep her involved with the planning, and I think that helped a little bit, but it was SO frustrating to give up some of what we wanted just to make her happy.
My FI had to step in at one point last fall and tell her that her actions were affecting everyone involved, including me. He also told her she was making me feel excluded from their family, unaccepted, and more than once she had made me cry. That kind of shocked her, I think, and she straightened up a bit after that. She's still heinous though. Basically, we had to say "if you dont have anything good to say, don't say anything at all" because we were tired of hearing only negativity from her!
It is hard, and it will get harder for you, I am sure. But ALWAYS take the high road, no matter what situation comes up. Give her some time, give in to some of her ridiculous requests, and and keep your distance. Do not give her the opportunity to be contrary to every idea you have, because you don't need to tell her every detail of the wedding. It is not her day, it belongs to you and your FI. She'll come around eventually...hang in there!
Wow, this is really tough. I know your FI doesn't want to take sides, but his attitude is really important in this matter. He needs to let his mom know that he loves her and that will never change, but he's starting a family with you and she needs to respect that. Her reaction to the engagement news is just not right :(
For the wedding, I would suggest just do whatever you want to do and not take her suggestions. Maybe you can do something in the wedding to include her and make her feel special (like help her feel like she's gaining a daughter and not losing a son), but it's your wedding & you should do what you had in mind.
WOW. I second the moving 16 states away thing. You have my sympathy if you're moving in down the street from her. Yikes. Sorry I don't have any advice, but I sympathize.
It's always hard when your FI refuses to take your side. But if you are being COMPLETELY reasonable, and it is something that both you AND your FI want, then he needs to tell his mom to back off. The problem with mommas boys is they usually won't do it. I wish I had advice for how to deal with that, but when my ex-FI couldn't cut the cord, I ditched him. It was SO not worth it!
It's definitely an issue that you FI can't back you up at all. I think you really need to sit down with your FI and have a serious discussion about this. He needs to know that by giving you that ring, he was making you the woman in his life.
If he can't stand up to his mom, tell her snap out of it, and starting being supportive of your marriage then you are going to have some SERIOUS issues down the road. My friend's brother is going through a divorce due to his overbearing mother's involvement in the marriage. The sad part is that they have children and now a family has to be broken up b/c the mom is a crazy whack job.
Honestly I don't mean to be vicious or mean in saying this but just from seeing my friends and family go through similar situations I would not want their outcome for your marriage. Obviously you love each other very much and you need his cooperation in all of this so that you can try to start co-existing peacefully together.
You should also not give into any of her demands for the wedding. Giving into any of her demands will give her the green light to unleash the monster and she'll run your wedding. Like another bee said you should just give her a duty so she feels included. Something easy that she can't really mess up.
WOW!!! That's crazy! I think it's time to cut the umbilical cord! I would speak to your FI and tell him that he needs to create some healthy boundries with his mom. She cannot have that much control over him and your upcoming marriage. As for the wedding, who is paying? If you guys are paying for it than plan as you want. If she keeps on persisting and throwing fits over everything than leave her out of the decision making.
Your FI needs to deal with this. It is not about taking sides, but about making it clear to his mother that he is with you. that you will be his wife, and that the two of you will be starting a life together that she will be a part of, but not always.
He needs to set some boundaries in his relationship with her, not expect you to deal with it alone. If he doesn't, run! Because you will have to deal with this crap for the rest of your life!
You have a serious problem on your hands. It needs to be dealt with now, or you will have a life of hell with her. She needs professional help. I am so sorry, wish I had advice to offer........ Again, the. woman. needs. professional. help.
Unfortantely, I think you are going to have a lot of difficulty in your marriage. The bell really went off when you said "he doesn't want to take sides". Well, are you planning on buying a home, having children, or pretty much making any major life decisions together? Because, if he does not take your side in this, he isn't going to take your side when she meddles in your child rearing, your home purchases, or even tell you want to make for dinner.
I have seen a lot of couples go through this, and it usually does not go well. You are (or will be) his wife, and he is supposed to be your partner and you should be his number one. Ifhe can't let go of the apron strings over the wedding, he will have a difficult time doing it for other reasons as well.
The only way I think you can get past this, is if you BOTH sit down and talk to her, He HADS to be on your side, or it will not work. He HAS to communicate to her that te meddling is to stop.
She seriously needs to get a life....but without him also standing up to her and for you, she never will, and your life is going to be hell.
And can I add...
If you let her have her way with the wedding, that only encourages her to control everything else in your future as well.
If you were to marry a man who was on your side with a mother like this, you'd have a tough road ahead of you. If your husband isn't on your side, it is nearly impossible. Try to picture the future when you are pregnant, and bring home your child. How will you deal with his mother three hours after giving birth? While trying to nurse when you haven't slept in three days?
Please consider counseling with your FI, and if he refuses to go by yourself.
Set boundaries now. Limit dinners with her to once a week or less. Tell her she has to call before she stops by and she can't stop by every day. If your fiance won't do these things, he will never choose you over her. It isn't cruel, it's being an adult and starting a new family, one that she isn't in charge of.
If you don't like her wedding input, just don't take any financial assistance for the wedding from her. If she still has opinions after that, oh well, she's not paying.
I think that a discussion needs to take place between your future mother-in-law, your fiance and yourself. This needs to be nipped in the bud EARLY because this is just a sign of things to come. I completely believe that things can be stated in a tactful and caring manner...no low blows or highly emotional rants. She may not be able to respond the way she should and who knows, may even start crying again. But at the very least, you & your fiance will have laid it all out on the table.
Trust me, my brother has this situation with his wife...her & her mother are attached at the hip, her mother hardly ever lets them have a family meal alone together.
Hopefully she can come to realize that the love he has for his mom & the love he has for you are DIFFERENT. If she can't understand that, well...that's kind of creepy.
Oh & definitely....move somewhere other than down the street from her!
Sorry! - Hope it gets better!
Wow. You're a saint for dealing with this.
I agree with what everyone else has said. Your FMIL is being ridiculous. This situation is very far outside the realm of normal.
You need to have a serious discussion with your FI, and I'd also recommend counseling for a couple in your situation...it never hurts :)
If your FI can't stand up to his mon and support you 100%, your marriage is going to be tough.
I agree with the other posters, your FI HAS to get on board with you and you two need to present a united front with his mother. He needs to set boundaries and be able to stick up for you. It's one thing if she's controlling and he's standing up for you but if he won't stand up to her that will cause major problems in the future. You guys need to have a serious talk about the role his mother will play in your life and what limits need to be set. The fact that she still hasn't told anyone of your engagement and cried when you told her (not in a happy way), plus the things you've shared of their relationship sets off huge warning bells that if something doesn't change, you're headed down a very long and bumpy road.
I have a VERY controlling mother, so I can empathize. However, I've learned (the hard way) that setting boundaries and sticking to them is really the only way to build your own life.
Good luck!
I agree with everyone on here. You are in a very tough and no doubt annoying situation. I think that your fiance really, really, really has to be on board. Since the beginning of time it is just the way things work kids grow up and become adults have their own families and that is just how it is. I think that you sound very respectful of his mother which is good for him but he really should realize that it is you, not his mother, that he has chosen to spend his life with. And to be honest I believe that if he does take a stand with you his mom will respect him more as an adult and eventually she will come to be ok with the two of you being a committed partnership. Its good to always take her ideas and maybe tweek them a bit but always understanding that she has probably had many experiences in her life which you can no doubt learn a great deal from but never have to feel as though your husband chooses his mom over you or feel like you are forced to take ALL of her opinions about everything. I kind of agree about the unclassy thing, not that all backyard barbeque weddings are unclassy but I see what you mean because its not just the potluck or the keg but the all paper all plastic everything with I'm assuming people bringing their own bowls/trays of food? Well I wouldn't prefer it but perhaps like I said....a little tweeking of the ideas? You can do the keg it is probably cheaper anyway and maybe have it served in nice glasses so its not just a beer free for all in red cups :) and there is some very very real looking silverware that is actually plastic and if you decorate the tables just right noone might notice the paper plates (which can also come looking very real especially the square ones) I think the overall point is compromise but also letting her know that in a way you are just being nice because you care and that your life with her son with be between the two of you. I do think that you must sit down and both of you talk to her because it may actually take more than once but it must be done so that things don't continue to build up as they will do if things just continue without sitting down and talking.
You two have got to be a team. If he can't stand up for you RUN RUN AWAY FAST.
He needs to show you that you are number 1 in his life and if he can't do that because he doesn't want to make momma mad, RUN!
And move further away from her! It would be a much healthier situation.
I'd say you and your FI need to be on the same page with this. If he can't back you up (and stand united with you), you should probably take a serious look at your relationship. If nothing else, know what YOU want and will put up with and stand up for yourself (because if you don't, don't expect FI to either).
Bon Chance,
Bella
I would not marry a "man" tethered to his mother's apron strings.
I am serious. It will be a problem forever.
as of now, things are going a little better. my FI confronted her, and told her that it was ridiculous she could not share in our joy! she responded by saying "what do you want, the whole world to stop just because you are engaged? i don't have time to gush over you and tell you how happy i am." since then, she refused to come to our engagement party because she was so offended that her son confronted her. she ignored us for quite some time.
however, things have mellowed out, and now she is talking to us and still inviting us over for family functions. she has yet bring up ANYTHING wedding related, and has no desire to talk about it whatsoever. I gues i am just going to have to come to terms with the fact that she's just not going to be involved, and the only thing i can expect from her is to show up the day of the ceremony.
my FI has totally been on my side since things have progressed and has been very supportive
Thanks for the update. In some way, perhaps it's better that she isn't as involved with the planning process to save the two of you from added stress.
I am blessed with no real family-related issues regarding our wedding. I cannot imagine how difficult that would be.
That is awesome that your fiance is so supportive and standing by you! Hope everything going forward goes well for you! And remember, you can always vent to us bees. :-)
@heather - that may be the best option, just having her show up for the wedding. imagine trying to deal with that while PLANNING? Do not accept any $ from her so you can do your own thing with planning and stay sane.
Edit: I see that you've resolved your issue, so I'll delete my comment. Glad everything is working out well for you!
I completely agree with CitySwoon and would even add to right now make him pick you or her. They have a VERY unhealthy relationship. You need to tell him to tell his mother to back off and dinner only once a week. If he refuses, get out now because he will NEVER take you side on anything from here on out.
I have no advice, because it feels like it never ends.
But, I am in the EXACT same situation as you, and it sucks, and i really feel for you.
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I am so frustrated. My to-be mother-in-law is making my wedding planning hell, and I have no idea what to do or how to handle it. When I vent to my fiance, he just feels like he is caught in between his mother and his girl. He freaks out and gets all stressed, cause he does not want to have to take sides.
Pretty much, my fiance and his mother are sooo close. She views him as his best friend, and he even bought a house right down the street from hers when he moved out. She calls him every morning and every night. She even gets offended when I cook dinner for him and we choose to eat dinner alone, rather than going over to her house. She feels that I have stolen away her son, and he no longer will love her the way he used to.
When my fiance and I first got engaged, I called her to tell her the big news. What did she do? She started crying and said "IT'S SO SAD!!!" We have been engaged for a month, and she has yet to tell her friends or make any sort of announcement. She keeps saying that it just has not sunk in yet, she is still in shock, etc. It's horrible for us, because we are so excited and want her to share in our joy. She is not celebrating whatsoever, because she can't get over the thought that her "son has found someone he loves more than her."
On top of all of this, she has some pretty ridiculous opinions about the wedding, and will not be happy or satisfied until we take her advice. She insists we have a keg of beer rather than bottled, that we have a potluck dinner rather than a caterer, and that we use all paper and plastic utensils. She is absolutely against the idea of having a seating chart, and is very casual (and in my opinion, unclassy). Because I know she is already so distraught about her son getting married, I just want to make her happy and do what she asks. I JUST CANT BRING MYSELF TO HAVE A POTLUCK, BACKYARD BARBECUE TYPE WEDDING!!!
She has been so hard to deal with, so bossy, and so controlling. On top of that, she is emotional, and seems devastated. I don't know what to do. Could anyone help me? Has anyone else experienced this? Let me know what I should do!!!!!!! Should I let her have her way in a couple areas of the wedding, just so that she feels better?