Mother in Law visiting at a really busy time!! How can I tackle this situation?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It sounds like your husband is the one being selfish! How could he think that is a good idea? I like your idea of having her visit after you graduate.

Post # 5
42135 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mrsnair:  I would just back off and let her be the neat freak that she wants to be. Tell her right at the beginning  that you are in your last semester, that you don’t have time to clean to her standards and tell her that you would appreciate her help if she has nothing to do.

Post # 6
34 posts

@mrsnair:  Wait.. so he wants you to keep a clean house, go to school, AND work? And he doesn’t think he should be cleaning to maintain appearances that he’s the “master” of the house? Um, nope. I might be a bit biased because I just completed dual bachelor’s in two engineering fields and am currently working as a design engineer, but the schedule you’re talking about for six months will either impact your job, your grades, your relationship with the in-laws or your husband, or all the above.

If he’s set on his mother visiting in that time frame and refuses to help with the housework, would living in a dorm for six months be an option, and go home on the weekends? Letting school or work suffer just wouldn’t make sense here.

I do apologize if this is snarky. I didn’t have my coffee today. 🙁

And congrats on being so close to finishing your master’s! 

Post # 9
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

FOR SIX MONTHS? And he didn’t discuss it with you first? MIL can stay in a hotel… My mil staying with us for six months would destroy our marriage. Honestly… For me that sort of thing would be a dealbreaker. I agree with PP that seeing if you can live in a dorm at school for that time or move in with a friend or family member who can respect your time might be the best option.

Post # 11
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

He invited her for SIX MONTHS without your permission, and you have a ONE BEDROOM apartment!?

Get yourself to marriage counselling, seriously. This is not OK and I think you are going to need it.

Post # 12
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@distracts:  Agreed with this.  It would be so, so tough to have my MIL stay with us.


@mrsnair:  As you can see from some of my posts, I’ve been dealing with DH having loyalty issues with his family as well.  I think that this is the type of decision you guys should make together.   You are a unit and it impacts both of you.  

Post # 13
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@mrsnair:  I second the notion to get yourself to marriage counseling. It sounds like you and your family have a more Western way of doing things whereas your husband and his family are more traditional, and reconciling that is going to be really hard. There’s a lack of communication as well as differing ideas of what is acceptable, and you need professional help in order to bridge those gaps. Otherwise I worry that your marriage will never be satisfactory to you and things like this will come up over and over again. I’ve seen a lot of arranged marriages work out, but the basic building blocks of any successful marriage still have to be there.

Post # 14
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@mrsnair:  Sorry, but there are some pretty heavy cultural things at play here. If it’s an arranged marriage in a male dominated society, then you must have had some inkling of what you were signing up for (things like this, where your opinion and comfort basically don’t matter).

Can you live like this for the rest of your life? Is maintaining your cultural norms, versus Western norms (like splitting the housework, couple is seen as equal, etc) important to you?

Most of the women, like 99%, on this board come from Westernized countries and maintain Western-standard relationships, and are not comfortable or familiar with the situation you’re in. I don’t mean to be rude, but this is a world we can’t even fathom, where your FI has total control over the apartment and relationship. Heck, most of us would say game over if FI came home and announced MIL was staying for SIX MONTHS in a one bedroom apartment!


Maybe try to find a forum that is more sensitive to your cultural norms? You might get better advice, because right now all I can think of is move out, break up, and never look back!


Post # 15
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

So for 6 months, while you’re trying to do work and studying, you won’t even have a bedroom where you can close the door and get some peace? Hell no! Are you from the same culture as your husband?

Post # 16
2315 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mrsnair:  I have a similar problem with my FMIL in terms of cleanliness. I like having a tidy house but as someone who works full time the housework does get away from me. My version of tidy is very different from my FMIL and although she would never say it to my face, she would go and moan about it later. My fiancé tries to say, maybe the house could be tidier and maybe it will be when there are two of us loving here. But what I say to him, is his mum needs to remember that we both work full time AND we have pets, our house is not going to be spotless.

Im guessing if it wasn’t for the fact that your MIL was such a perfectionist and loved you for who you are then it wouldn’t be such an issue…apart from living in a 1 bed apartment and having an extra guest. 

If it were me and my fiancé “put on a show” about his “master” role in the house then that would not fly with me and I would tell him so. If he helps when they are not there, he should help all the time. 

I agree with PPs I would go to counselling and talk about it there. 

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