Post # 1
This is just to vent out a bit.. I go to school, I am taking my Masters in Engineering, and I also work as an Supply Chain engineer. I have been married for about 2.5 yrs now, and my relationship with my in laws is really good. Starting next week, I have full course load, work & a home to take care of, and my husband says he has booked tickets for his mother to visit us for 6 months!! She lives on the other side of the world- like a 22 hour plane journey.
I told him it would be too much for me to take care of. Don’t get me wrong, she is a nice lady but she is a neat freak, prefers her daughter in laws to take utmost care of their husbands- this means doing all the housework & being the perfect housewife. She doesn’t have any daughters of her own so she kinda pisses me off when she never thinks of something from my perspective. She is after my life for grandkids- and I am still undecided whether I would ever have any as I don’t like kids. Anyway, I will graduate this Dec and I asked him to book tickets for her after that. He totally flipped out on me saying I am selfish & that he wants to be with his mother.
So now, on one hand, I feel bad for hurting his feels, but on the other hand, I really want to balance my life for the next few months. I am a straight A student, so I work hard for my grades & I cannot even do housework on weekends as she may like. My husband helps me out when its just the both of us but the minute anyone from his family is around, he tends not to, so that they think he is the “master” of the house- pretty effing ridiculous.
That’s it.. Sorry for the LOOOOONNNGGGG post.. needed to vent & some advice..
Post # 3
It sounds like your husband is the one being selfish! How could he think that is a good idea? I like your idea of having her visit after you graduate.
Post # 4
@solidarity: I know.. He said its his mother & he has every right to bring her to the house whenever he likes. I never asked him not to.. I just want him to wait.. 🙁
Post # 5
@mrsnair: I would just back off and let her be the neat freak that she wants to be. Tell her right at the beginning that you are in your last semester, that you don’t have time to clean to her standards and tell her that you would appreciate her help if she has nothing to do.
Post # 6
@mrsnair: Wait.. so he wants you to keep a clean house, go to school, AND work? And he doesn’t think he should be cleaning to maintain appearances that he’s the “master” of the house? Um, nope. I might be a bit biased because I just completed dual bachelor’s in two engineering fields and am currently working as a design engineer, but the schedule you’re talking about for six months will either impact your job, your grades, your relationship with the in-laws or your husband, or all the above.
If he’s set on his mother visiting in that time frame and refuses to help with the housework, would living in a dorm for six months be an option, and go home on the weekends? Letting school or work suffer just wouldn’t make sense here.
I do apologize if this is snarky. I didn’t have my coffee today. 🙁
And congrats on being so close to finishing your master’s!
Post # 7
@julies1949: I am planning to say that.. but I am sure drama is going to ensue with my husband & I regarding this. I have a strong personality so I don’t necessarily fear the response.. I just don’t want to waste my time dealing with the unnecessary drama.. I have a lot of things on my plate.. but like you said, I will tell her not to meddle with my stuff.. I would have textbooks & notes lying around, so she better get used to it.. and she can clean the rest of the house to her liking..
ETA: My husband said if I told his mom that she should clean the house if its not upto her standards, he would be very upset.. At this point, I don’t care what he says, coz I want to be frank when it comes to how I feel..
Post # 8
@twixie: Yes.. He helps out a lot on a regular basis.. But when his family is around, he is very “male dominant” type. I come from a family that upholds equality and this leads to constant friction when the family is around.. But when they are gone, he helps out a lot.
Living in a dorm would not be an option as it might bring about ridiculous amount of drama. I considered that option as we live in a 1 bedroom apt & his mother “should” be given the bedroom.. I even suggested moving into a 2 bedroom, but we are currently on a lease which ends next March. I think my husband is being super selfish.. but he is putting the blame on me.. His elder brother lives in Michigan & I even asked my husband to make her stay there till Dec. My co-sister is a student as well, and my brother in law flat out told my MIL to not go there when she is studying! Hello, I am working & studying!!
In case u r wondering why I married this guy, it was an arranged marriage. So families interfere a lot in our marriages. Not that it matters, he has a good side to him as well.. But I really wish he would see things as I see them for once..
Post # 9
FOR SIX MONTHS? And he didn’t discuss it with you first? MIL can stay in a hotel… My mil staying with us for six months would destroy our marriage. Honestly… For me that sort of thing would be a dealbreaker. I agree with PP that seeing if you can live in a dorm at school for that time or move in with a friend or family member who can respect your time might be the best option.
Post # 10
@distracts: Well.. Her darling son is not gonna let her stay in a hostel.. I was seriously considering moving to a dorm, or even finding a roommate, but its gonna wreak havoc.. Where we come from, the girl stays with the husband’s family after marriage.. So moving into a dorm is gonna invite more drama on top of what I would have to deal with.. At this point, I am still considering that option. I don’t know whether it would destroy or strengthen my marriage.. but if he doesn’t care, then what is the use of my concern?
Post # 11
He invited her for SIX MONTHS without your permission, and you have a ONE BEDROOM apartment!?
Get yourself to marriage counselling, seriously. This is not OK and I think you are going to need it.
Post # 12
@distracts: Agreed with this. It would be so, so tough to have my MIL stay with us.
@mrsnair: As you can see from some of my posts, I’ve been dealing with DH having loyalty issues with his family as well. I think that this is the type of decision you guys should make together. You are a unit and it impacts both of you.
Post # 13
@mrsnair: I second the notion to get yourself to marriage counseling. It sounds like you and your family have a more Western way of doing things whereas your husband and his family are more traditional, and reconciling that is going to be really hard. There’s a lack of communication as well as differing ideas of what is acceptable, and you need professional help in order to bridge those gaps. Otherwise I worry that your marriage will never be satisfactory to you and things like this will come up over and over again. I’ve seen a lot of arranged marriages work out, but the basic building blocks of any successful marriage still have to be there.
Post # 14
@mrsnair: Sorry, but there are some pretty heavy cultural things at play here. If it’s an arranged marriage in a male dominated society, then you must have had some inkling of what you were signing up for (things like this, where your opinion and comfort basically don’t matter).
Can you live like this for the rest of your life? Is maintaining your cultural norms, versus Western norms (like splitting the housework, couple is seen as equal, etc) important to you?
Most of the women, like 99%, on this board come from Westernized countries and maintain Western-standard relationships, and are not comfortable or familiar with the situation you’re in. I don’t mean to be rude, but this is a world we can’t even fathom, where your FI has total control over the apartment and relationship. Heck, most of us would say game over if FI came home and announced MIL was staying for SIX MONTHS in a one bedroom apartment!
Maybe try to find a forum that is more sensitive to your cultural norms? You might get better advice, because right now all I can think of is move out, break up, and never look back!
Post # 15
So for 6 months, while you’re trying to do work and studying, you won’t even have a bedroom where you can close the door and get some peace? Hell no! Are you from the same culture as your husband?
Post # 16
@mrsnair: I have a similar problem with my FMIL in terms of cleanliness. I like having a tidy house but as someone who works full time the housework does get away from me. My version of tidy is very different from my FMIL and although she would never say it to my face, she would go and moan about it later. My fiancé tries to say, maybe the house could be tidier and maybe it will be when there are two of us loving here. But what I say to him, is his mum needs to remember that we both work full time AND we have pets, our house is not going to be spotless.
Im guessing if it wasn’t for the fact that your MIL was such a perfectionist and loved you for who you are then it wouldn’t be such an issue…apart from living in a 1 bed apartment and having an extra guest.
If it were me and my fiancé “put on a show” about his “master” role in the house then that would not fly with me and I would tell him so. If he helps when they are not there, he should help all the time.
I agree with PPs I would go to counselling and talk about it there.