(Closed) Mother is getting remarried – and I'm not okay.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@ERsax:  You can still be happy in the lead time. She has her own emotions and this might be a better relationship for her.

Post # 4
107 posts
Blushing bee

@ERsax:  My situation is not exactly the same, but I get your frustration. I will be getting married next summer July 2014. I currently am finishing up at college 1600 miles away from my family. When I was last home my mother told me that she should have never married because she was very independent and alway knew she didn’t want to make decisions based on someone else (she has been married to my dad for 25 years). I was so furious and heartbroken especially because I could tell how badly it was affecting my father that she was wanting out of their marriage. My mom ended up having a long talk with me and accidentally slipped saying she planned to get married later in life because she wasn’t the type of person to be alone. How does this make sense, she just told me she didn’t like being married and that was the whole reason she wanted to divorce my father (she even said she still loved him and wanted to remain close to him)?????? Anyhow three weeks later she completely changed her attitude and it really seemed like she had changed her mind, they were going to redo our house and go on vacations blah blah blah. I basically talk to her every day while I am at school and she seems like everything is great. I called my dad yesterday and he informed me that she made him move into my room a week ago and that she wants a divorce, but she has been pretending to me that everything is great. I am literally furious that she is lying to me about this. I am really curious who she has been going out to eat with now every time I call her and can here people in the background. It makes me want to leave her out of my wedding planning and wedding. Every time I call her I feel sick to my stomach and end up crying for hours afterwards. I am really just furious at how she is lying to me and treating my father. I also am dependent on her financially since she pays for my college, but I really just want to stop including her in any of my wedding planning and for now, my life.

Post # 6
107 posts
Blushing bee

@ERsax:  Oh and for words of encouragement: I have been dealing with this for about 6 months and although I am really upset about her situation I found it a time to really focus on my relationship and making it the best that it can be. My relationship with my SO became much stronger through the process, and after sharing my true feelings with my mother I felt much better about the situation. 

Post # 8
10777 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Im sorry youre hurting! That said,  IMO the issue isn’t when she’s getting married, as you can’t own the months before your wedding ( not saying ti doesnt suck), but the fact that you don’t like this guy. Do you not like him because of who he is, or what part you feel he played in your parents divorce? 


Parents getting remarried can be really painful. My dad married my moms best friend, who he was having an affair with for years before my mom found out and kicked him out. 


based on my experience, which I hope is not usual,  I would caution you that this person might end up having a lot of influence over your mom, so it’s good that you hid your feelings until you sort them out. 


at some point, when you know what you don’t like about him, it will help you decide how to proceed. If its the affair, you might need to discuss that with your mom. If its something he did to you, that’s a whole new story and needs to be addressed


. Be careful how you word things, until you assess the situation, ESP if you are relying on money from her. I hate to put it that way, but I’ve seen step parents use anything to justify not giving financial resources to the children.  Parents are only human, and right now, she’s in the throes of new love, sadly. I hope she is able to hear your feelings without taking offense. you don’t want a huge family drama before your wedding:-( 



eta I just read your updates that he is not nice to you and she has changed a lot. UGH.



Post # 9
46255 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s interesting how we get both sides of the situation: Bees whose parents are upset about their relationship, and Bees who are upset about their parents’ relationships.

Both are adults and have to live their own lives. If he’s as bad a person as you make out, perhaps he won’t be around for the rest of your life.

Post # 10
107 posts
Blushing bee

@ERsax:  Yes, sadly my mother also asked me to not tell anyone about the situation because she did not want people to think her life wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies. Its hard knowing that our mothers happiness is the cause of our pain. I feel bad about it but at the same time I just really am having trouble accepting her decision and continuing the close relationship that we used to have. There are many times that I just really need to vent about it so if you ever need someone to talk to don’t hesitate to message me. Talking to another person often keeps us from saying horrible things to people we love that we might regret later.

Post # 12
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Well it’s certainly understandable why you feel the way that you do. And the timing of her remarriage certaily sucks too.


May I ask if you know if your Mom is Peri-menopausal? The reason why I ask is because I have been hearing of quite a few women who are kind of doing the same thing – tossing the first husband of many years for another man. Having affairs, seemingly tossing the family under the bus, etc. My Future Brother-In-Law is going through this. He recently discovered his wife of 20+ years has had several affairs over the past few years and after he caught her, she just up and moved to be with her latest lover and basically left the kids with him!


My hypothesis is that some older women (and I am the same age!) are realizing that they are getting older and time seems to be running out and they want more out of life, before it is “too late”. That since they devoted their lives to family and kids, that it is now “their turn” for a shot at happiness. Now it’s just a hypothesis of mine and it could be completely wrong in regards to your situation.


Regardless, you can not change what your Mom is planning and I suggest you do your upmost to ignore her actions as much as possible and focus on the details of your wedding.


Post # 13
629 posts
Busy bee

@ERsax:  The only thing I really can comment on is your feelings on him being your “step father” by your wedding.

You’re an adult. You do not have to view him as a step father. My SO was 18 when his mom remarried, and he does not call her husband his step father, nor does he have any of the perks of a parent at our wedding. The only thing that distinguishes him from a normal guest is that he will be sitting in the front row with SO’s grandparents (we’re Jewish so parents are up at the chuppah with us) and that when SO is walking with his own father, his mother will be walking with her husband.

He is not legally anything to you, he is only legally your mom’s husband. If you do not have any relationship, you do not have to view him as a step father. I don’t know if keeping this in mind will help at all with anything, but hopefully it will.

Post # 14
1755 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

First of all, I’m very sorry you’re going through this and I don’t blame you for being upset.  That said, I think that you need to think very seriously about what, if any sort of relationship you want with your mother.  What she did by cheating on your father really stinks and I understand disagreeing with it; however, it’s nearly three years later and she’s still with this guy and marrying him.

Whether it’s telling your mom how hurt and angry it made you feel or talking to a therapist, I think that you need to find a way to let go of your anger and forgive her or tell her how you feel and terminate the relationship – even if you have to fine another way to get rent money this fall.  You aren’t going to change your mother, but you can decide how it’s going to affect you.

As for her wedding, this is something that barring something happening to her fiance is going to happen and you’re going to need to find a way to cope.  The only way your mom’s wedding is going to ruin the time leading up to your wedding, is if you allow it to.  Find a way to channel your anger and let the feelings out.  You don’t have to like or welcome this, but you need to find a way to live with this – whether it’s with or without your mom in your life.

Post # 15
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

my mom is getting remarried next saturday , she is getting remarried with the man she left my dad after 23 years of marriage in 2010 , when my mom left my dad i was very young and i was pregnant , i felt so hurt , it was the time i needed her the most and i didnt spake to her for months but you know what ? they have the right to be happy too , one thing is how we see them as parents and another is how they were as a couple , i rarely saw my parents fight and i would never guess my mom wasnt happy , my dad was depressed and still a little sad about the divorce(  i try to help with him too )  but she is my mom and not matter what i love her , she isnt perfect and i want her happiness and if this man is her happiness i support her , i even help her to plan her wedding , she didnt leave before because we were young but now that my brothers and i are adults , i think she has the right to think forherself 


she is a mother but also a woman .



Post # 16
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

It’s her life, her choice. At the end of the day, she is your mom whether you like it or not. Be happy for her. If she had a say in your relationship with your Fiance, would you listen?

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