(Closed) Mother not very excited…

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Unfortunately, there are some moms who just never get into weddings.  And others who get into them so much they try to take over.  Either way is a pain for the couple.

However, you’re having your wedding for you, not for her.  I’d suggest finding other people you can talk to about the wedding (friends, other family members, and/or people here on WB).  That way, your mom’s lack of enthusiasm won’t drag you down.

Post # 4
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

My mom has yet to congratulate me and claims she didn;t “notice” my ring when I spent a week with my family. I have been so hurt. I spoke with someone who went through a similar thing and she said you have to go through the grieving process for all those things you planned on doing with your mom or the reactions you anticipated. I has been hard to accept. Luckily, we are long distance, so I just keep emailing and inviting her to be as involved as she wants. At least she’s not trying to “plan” my wedding for me (at the opposite end of the spectrum!) I am lucky to have very supportive siblings, grandmothers, aunts, and even my mother in law. I hope you and your mom can find something special in this together, but if not, it is about you and your new family.

Post # 5
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I’ve had to deal with a bit of the same, myself.  My Mom retired the month after I got engaged, so most of my engagement has been spent listening to her worry about money and commenting on how “I chose the wrong time to get married.”  I am lucky enough to have a sister (my MOH) that is crafty at making my invitations, and brave enough to tell our Mom that if she didn’t “shape up” she wouldn’t be getting an invitation.

My recommendation is to find someone who you can share your most precious wedding-planning moments with.  You can’t force your mother to feel one way or another about what should be a very joyous time for you, so you need to still find a way to enjoy this time.  I hope your mom comes around and can celebrate this  with you, but don’t let her hold you back from enjoying it yourself.

Post # 6
Member
738 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I totally feel your pain. My mom is much the same way. It totally sucks! I always wanted to have a close relationship with my Mom and now that I am old enough to realize it’s never going to happen, it hurts! I see all these cute moms and daughters going into the bridal shops together and the Mom getting all excited over her daughter trying on dresses, but mine won’t ever be like that! I’ve gone dress shopping a couple of times now and she hasn’t come once. I haven’t even bothered to invite her. Because I know the first thing she is going to look at is the price tag. If it’s ‘too expensive’ ($500+) she will find something wrong with it and make me hate it. But if it’s super cheap and looks like shit on me, she’ll find a way to preach it up! My best advice would be to let her be in on the wedding planning if she asks to be. And only then!

Post # 7
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

That’s so sad, don’t it bring you down though I know it’s hard. Seek out people who care and want to know about your wedding and who share in the excitment and joy out of it.  Your mom is being silly about the way she is acting about this whole thing and it’s sad she has to let that bring her daughter down.

Post # 8
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I understand.  I’m actually pretty close with my mom, but she is just not into weddings at all.  She hasn’t offered to contribute, doesn’t ask questions, and when I bring it up, she changes the subject.  We live 3 hours apart and she is coming to look at dresses with me, which is nice.  My mom likes clothes, and I guess this is no exception.

I think you just have to accept it. 🙁

Post # 9
Member
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I actually was going through the same exact thing.  Still going through a little bit of drama with my family.  When I first got engaged, mom didn’t seem all that excited, although she loves FI, it just wasn’t what I was expecting.  Also too with the planning, both mom and dad haven’t really been asking about it or trying to get involved, only till a few months ago, we finally spoke and they were hurt that i wasn’t including them, whereas i was just expecting them to offer their help/excitement.  Maybe you have different expectations of her and she has different ones for you.  Maybe talk to her about it?  That’s what I did, and i’m trying to include her more in whatever’s left to plan…good luck!

Post # 10
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hiya 🙂

I sympathise entirely, and I feel your pain!  Is it possible that she doesn’t want to let her little girl go?  Maybe she wanted it in your hometown so you would cme home more often to plan with her?

Could you take her for lunch next time you see her and have a wee chat? Perhaps delegating a small tas will make her feel more involved?xx

Post # 11
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I have a similar experience, except with my future MIL and FIL. They never offered congratulations and only looked at the ring. They pretended not to notice it nor acknowledge it for a long time. She was also meddlesome about it (sending emails, etc.) Luckily, my fiance’s grandparents and aunt are excited and supportive of it, besides my own parents. My own parents are helping me with planning/reception etc. We have still yet to tell his parents the date…. His grandparents told us to wait to tell them when things are more cemented….

So it could be a little worse, but it sounds like the lack of enthusiasm that my fiance and I receive from his family. 

Post # 12
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It’s sad, but I’m glad I’m not the only one with Mom problems.  Her and Dad had a 10 minute, 10 dollar wedding 40 years ago. 

My FI and I have been together for 8 years and would have married the first year but he was in the middle of a divorce when we met and it dragged on for a long time. He also has 4 children (18,17 who lives with us, 14 & 11).  She says that he has too much baggage but when she met my dad he had a 5 year old and she had a 3 month old. 

I’m not asking to pay for anything but anytime I bring up wedding plans all she can say is  “You can’t afford that!” no matter what it is.  I want and value her opinion but she is bringing me down…. I just want to remind her that there was a reason that her parents didn’t go to her wedding, but I don’t have the guts.  I shouldn’t be that suprised though… she is never very encouraging.  There IS a reason that at 38 I’m still a daddy’s girl.

 

We just need to stick together and support each other…. free therapy!  Keep your chin up! 

Post # 13
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My mom was similar when I first got engaged too.  She’s also in my small home town, and I am having the wedding where I live. 

However, when she came to visit me for the weekend, and I took her around to all the places we had booked, we went dress shopping, etc. I think she felt much more connected.

Now I get emails and phone calls once or twice a week with new ideas from her, and she is much more involved and excited.

I think it’s hard for moms who don’t live in the area where the wedding will take place to get connected with the wedding.

Post # 14
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@mseggy…its so funny that you say there is a reason you are still a daddy’s girl…that is exactly how I feel. My mom and I have a good relationship, not great. But my dad is my whole world…she sees how I always take his side but how could I not? he is the one with all the love and support in the world, not her. I am sad to hear others are having the same issues with their moms as I am, but it helps to know I’m not alone. I guess I just always wanted her to gush all over everything wedding related. and now i am 3 days away, and I know she wants to spend time with my brother who is in from out of state, but I am only going to get married once!! she just isnt into it like i wish she was. it makes me sad, and i know people say not to let it get to you and to surround yourself with people who are excited for you, i just feel like i have been let down by alot of people in this whole wedding process…family and friends. like my wedding is such an inconvenience to them. my fiance made me promise not to let things get to me and just enjoy this time, but i cant help but be a little let down. but hopefully on friday i can let it all go!

Post # 15
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@krista24  Have a great time this weekend! Make a special point of spending time with those who have been supportive of your BIG DAY.

Post # 16
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2010

wedding drama!!! here it is:

Wedding is only 65 peeps–close friends and immediate family, however I hardly speak to any of my aunts or uncles as they live several states up from me maybe once a yr if that. Having a hard time with the close friend guest list as a lot of these friends are mostly good timey friends that i see and talk to about once every couple months

Made my BF of 12 years the MOH and my eldest of two sisters got p’od and stated “i hope you are still friends with her in 20 yrs when you look back at your pictures and everyone is going to see her as an outsider. 

Dad stated that if i invited his sister he would not attend the wedding. ALso stated Im i just a guest at this wedding?  i guess that was his attempt at asking me if he was walking me down the aisle.  MY take on that: I am in my early 30’s own a house have not lived home since i was 19.  He has hardly been there for me or shown any affection or support.  Do I really need him to “give me away”? I think they did that when they dropped me off at the train station many yrs ago.

My eldest sister threw me a shower and told me my mom would be buying the cake and asked what kind did i want. I said a specific one and she said that my mother would only be getting a chocolate/vanil one.  Why ask  in the first place then?

Mother has hardly asked about the wedding.  much less called me.

Before we got engaged she stated that she was broke and just couldnt afford to help out.  then went on to tell me and FI her money problems.  after that she needed us to plan the wedding around her carribean vacation with her boyfriend since they would be in the same month.  My favorite is when she complains of not having any money and then in another conversation she is out getting a massage or going gambling for the weekend with her girlfriends and taking pics in all new wardrobe.  She claims she puts everything on CC’s.

She hardley talked to me at all at my shower and when i left some stuff she took it upon herself to take it to her house and when i told her i needed it sent to me asap she sent it thru her job and paid like 30 bucks to put it all in separate packages.  Then complained at how much it was to send.  She failed to send one of my items andwhen  i asked if she could she stated that she just couldnt afford to as the last packages put her under.  i offered to send her a check and she declined. I went on to tell her that i bought my hairpiece in the same convo and she said she wanted to send me a check for it because she wanted everyone to know she bought it. Ummm,,, I picked it out and paid for it and now she wants to send me a check that she cant afford??? I told her we were even then for her paying for the packages. 

One month later she retires and moves down south she stops at my sisters house 4 hrs away from me and asks if i will be home so she can come visit me for the nite and leave early the next morning. I told her i had to work til 9 and no one would switch a shift with me and she texts me ok c u at the wedding. that was a week ago havent heard from her since.

In the meantime my sister sent me the package my mother left out and it got here only costing 1.90!

I just dont know what to think about all this as with the other bees i too am very saddened by her lack of interest.  I feel that she could care less about me and if i was to get into a car accident she would find some reason that she couldnt be there for me.  It is like a grieving process to accept that your mother is like that and it will not change.  I just dont understand y people have kids if they are not going to love them for everything they are!

of course this would be all of my fault in her eyes.

Please advise sorry so long had to get it out!

 

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