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I have a weird situation.
My mom is wearing a $65 black dress from Dress Barn to our wedding. I helped her pick it out and she looks beautiful in it.
My FMIL specifically told me that she would like me to approve what she wears to the wedding. The only request I had for her was to also be in black, to match my mom. We had originally planned to go shopping together for it, but she canceled last weekend. Then she wanted to go today - and canceled again.
I just got a call from FMIL that she had found and fallen in love with a dress at Nordstrom. Despite canceling the shopping with me, I am not upset that she went alone - I can understand the difference between popping in to look around and going for a full on shopping date with your future daughter. She put it on hold and asked me to go down and look at it. I called in and got the information to look it up online - totally not thinking about the fact that my mom was here to see what it looked like...
Well ladies - Although I'm not thrilled with the fact that it's Navy (doesn't that sort of clash with Black, Dark Purple, Sage Green and such?) It's beautiful. I mean, really, over the top amazingly formal, $500+ beautiful. As in, it has a train, is taffeta and has ruching and beading. By comparison, my mom will be in a black polyester dress with glue on glitter and a black poly bolero.
My mom looked over, saw the photo, and started to cry. She feels totally upstaged. I love my mom to pieces and know her well - she's broke, for starters - so her son had to by her dress which I know was probably pretty humiliating. She hasn't been able to contribute at all to anything (my FMIL doesn't know that everything my mom arrived with at the shower yesterday was purchased on my dollar.) On top of that, she's insecure and overweight (my FMIL is thin and very attractive for her age.) I could see it made her feel awful - and I wished I had considered that in the split second that all this happened, but I really didn't... Bad daughter...
I'd like to ask FMIL to choose something a little less formal and also in black. She DID ask me to go look and tell her by Wednesday what I thought of it...
What would you do?
Wow, you are definitely not wrong in being upset about this. It is YOUR day and you should be, BY FAR the most elegant person on that day. I think you should tell her that it is a bit too formal for the atmosphere of your wedding and you were hoping for something with a bit less flash. What a terrible position to be in. I feel for you. I feel awful for your mom too but don't feel like a bad daughter, you definitely aren't. Unfortunately, given what you said about your mom's insecurities and the differences between her and your FMIL, I feel like your mom may feel upstaged no matter what dress your FMIL chooses...even if they were wearing the same dress. The FMIL does not need such a fancy dress, period. But I think maybe you should try to help your mom with her insecurity issues if that's possible. Has she tried to lose weight? I'm sure she looks great as is but it obviously is contributing to her insecurity so maybe that would help. If you (or someone else) are able to pay for her to have her hair and nails done, makeup too if possible, maybe that would help her to feel more beautiful on your big day. Also, put her in some fab jewelry, doesn't need to be expensive, but a fun statement piece would add a lot to a simple black dress.
Good luck! What a tough situation...
I'd call FMIL and tell her how beautiful the dress is but you'd really like her to wear something less formal and black. I feel really bad for your mom that she feels so upstaged. It makes me want to cry right now. Unfortunately, unless you tell FMIL exactly what to wear she may end up spending the same amount of money or maybe even more on another dress. Maybe there is something special you can do for your mom on that day to make her feel just as worthy? Maybe have her makeup done or her hair styled? It's just my opinion but the mother of the bride always holds a more special place at the wedding anyway so no matter what she wears or how much its costs she's the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE and that alone sets her apart.
I don't know... I kind of feel like your FMIL should not be forced to pass up a dress she loves because of your mothers financial situation and insecurities about her body. This is a big day for your FMIL just like it's a big day for your mom.. they are both seeing their children get married. Unless your FMIL is asking to wear white I think you should just let her wear what she wants. Even though she did ask for your approval... she will probably be hurt if you tell her you don't like her selection. And she will be quite nervous about picking something else since you didn't support her first choice. I would let your FMIL wear what she wants and just make sure to remind your mother how beautiful she looks and that it's not about a comparison.
PS. Don't worry about colors clashing. It's really not a big deal and you won't notice in pics. My bridesmaids were in purple, my MIL was in brown, and my mom was a in bright turquoise and our pictures are beautiful.
I think you should ask her to find something else. Perhaps show her a picture of what your mother is wearing to give her some guidelines. Unless you are having a black-tie event, her dress sounds like a little too much. And it is the wrong color. Even if she doesn't want to wear black, you do have a nice palette to choose from. It's a little tricky because she loves it but it sounds like you have a decent relationship with her so hopefully she'll get back on track.
BTW--You are not a bad daughter. It sounds like you are being really considerate of everyone's feelings. Not an easy thing to do.
Look on the bright side--my wedding is 19 days away and my FMIL hasn't even thought about what she's going to wear...
Awww my heart goes out to your mom :(
Tell her, no matter what, she is the MOB and no one can upstage that!
Black is super flatterring and will look very elegant in pictures (no matter the fabric used). A beaming smile will complete the look and that is all people will see.
Back to the dress, your FMIL is asking your opinion so if you feel comfortable asking her to wear something in black and less formal, I would say go ahead and give her your honest opinion. Maybe something along the lines that it is much more formal than your mom's dress? She might get the hint on that. Also, could your FI subtly mention that it is much more formal?
I'd honestly tell you to pull out your credit card and help your Mom find something else she'll feel better about wearing. It would be nice to think she wouldn't be bothered being upstaged, but in reality, it may totally ruin the day for her if she's already cried seeing the other dress.
There's still time for her to find something, and lots of dresses at Nordstrom are half that price and look well made.
This is not a competition about the cost of a dress. An insecure person will still feel insecure in a dress 10x the cost.
I'm with Moose on this one. Your FMIL has every right to have a dress that she loves. If you must, mention that it is quite a bit more formal than your mom's, but it is a lovely dress. Leave it to her to make the adjustment, if she feels she should.
Again, this is not a competition. Obviously your FIL's have more money for these things, and really, who cares? If you make it about money and "looks" now, there will never be an end to this nonsense.
Tell your FMIL that it is truly a beautiful dress but that you're concerned because its not black and that its much more formal than your mother's black dress. Tell her its up to her, but if she's asking your opinion, maybe she could keep looking?
She can find something else.
I don't consider it 'nonsense' if her Mother is upset. We aren't here to psychoanalyze her insecurities, but are trying to help with a solution. The OP brought up the costs and the compared embellishments, so at that point I can understand her Mom's feeling bad about it. Would you feel happy in a cheaper dress while the other Mother looks glammed up? I certainly wouldn't.
While I think your FMIL has every right to wear something that makes her feel beautiful, she should also stick to the guidelines you gave her since she did ask for them. If you'd like her in black, that isn't such a difficult request.
Maybe tell her that while it's a beautiful dress, you'd really like her to wear black and then show her some other options from Nordstrom's that are black that you think she may like. She can still get a very nice Nordstrom dress without being super-overdressed when compared to your mother. Here's one I found that is beautiful, still formal but no train, beading, etc.
http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/3134359?origin=category&resultback=0
62.JPG (15.4 KB, 42 downloads) 1 year old
Here are a couple more beautiful but more toned down options from Nordstrom.
http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/3028517
I would tell your FMIL that while you love the dress she picked out, but you'r afraid she may look too formal and gently push her towards more sensible, black dresses.
I'm going to address a few of these responses in a moment, but given what is written above, maybe I should have given more info.
First - I never told my FMIL what to wear, she told ME she wanted me to approve it. I want her to look beautiful as well, but the dress she picked is something you would wear to a black tie gala, not your son's wedding. It's not just about the cost, it's that it is a color that clashes and is way too fancy. I have a great relationship with her, so this isn't some 'I'm angry' moment. I'm just in a tough situation.
My mother is on disability because she has advanced stage, irreversible heart disease - in fact, in 2002 she died twice on the operating table during 5-bypass open heart surgery and had massive heart failure again July '09. I'm blessed and lucky to have my mother alive, let alone fully functioning mentally. Since her surgery she has never emotionally been the same, so if she is sad she's in tears almost instantly. No amount of self esteem 'lessons' are going to change the fact that she is this way, so please excuse me if I am about to get a tad bit defensive.
My fiance and I financially subsidize both my parents by purchasing all of my mother's medications (she had no medical until Medicare kicks in next year.) We pay for the wood to heat their home, bought them a car last year and pay for the phone bill - otherwise they couldn't afford to call 911 if she had another heart attack.
Now, for the responses:
@mc77: I am paying to have her hair and nails done. I'm doing her makeup too - she will look beautiful no matter what. As for losing weight, my mom has been heavy her whole life (she's only an 18 but to her it feels bigger) and given that we are 30 days out, I don't think that is an option.
@smyley: If I had the money, I would. We already paid for hew dress, new shoes, and new undergarments. I'm also unemployed, so we are barely scraping by as it is. Thank you for standing up for me.
@sudslover: I really want to give you the benefit of the doubt here - I'm hoping maybe you didn't actually READ the whole post and decided to skim it. In that case, maybe you didn't know what you were talking about. If you did read the whole post, and then made your comment? You're way out of line. Given that my OP specifically said that I PAID FOR MY OWN SHOWER yesterday and pretended my mom covered it, I find some of what was written here beyond shocking. I guess some people have no idea or sensitivity to what it is like to not be able to afford to buy life-saving medication, much less a formal dress.
@christalynn11: Considering the background you've given, you have every right to go to your FMIL and tell her about how you feel. No doubt you'll do it gently and with tact. I think if she understands your mom's situatation and what she has gone through, she should be more than willing to give up her dream dress. Of course it is her day too, but I think that more importantly, it's about you and your husband. And if you're not going to be happy on your wedding day because your mom isn't going to be happy, then that doesn't make sense. Moreover, you're asking her to show compassion for your mom, and I don't think that's too much to ask.
I do understand that your mom is going through some hard things but seriously all that aside FMIL has chosen the dress she likes.. while i dont think she should choose something so over the top i dont think it is anybodys place to tell her or even ask her to choose something simpler just so she doesnt upstage your mom... why dont u look for somthing nicer for your mom? she can wear her dressbarn gown another time? nordstrom has some very reasonably priced dresses and u can easily find something nicer for ur mom so she looks better and your fmil doesnt have to sacrifice her dress
Like others have mentioned, persuade your FMIL to perhaps find a dress that is black, since you did ask that both moms being wearing black. That might solve the problem right there.
I think both moms are going to be beaming with pride on the wedding day. I am sure you and your family are very, very grateful that your mom is here to participate in one of the most important days in your life!
I am so sorry that you are in this difficult predicament. It sounds like at the very least, you will likely have to tell your FMIL that the gown she picked out is way too formal. Maybe you could suggest one of the Nordstom ones that are posted here. If you DID have other money (I understand, I am unemployed right now too) there are some very lovely MOB/MOG gowns @ www.keepmeinstitches.biz I ordered a gorgeous MOB gown, very well made, I needed it in 2 months, and I bought it for only $129.00 I am a plus sized woman, and I had worried about feeling very self conscious due to my size, the MOG is taller and probably weighs 100lbs lighter than me. Anyway, the gown made my day. I felt incredibly beautiful. And I saw that they are running a 10-50% off sale on In Stock items right now. Best Wishes.
My heart goes out to you! What a tough situation. I think you should definitely ask your FMIL to pick another dress. Since your FI knows the details of your mother's situation and I'm sure also knows his mother well, maybe you could ask him how to best approach/word it to her. He may have some pointers on how to express it in a way that she will receive well.
It touched me to hear that you are so concerned about your mother's feelings and making her feel beautiful/special!
I think it's hard to dictate what your FMIL should wear. If she loves the dress she has every right to wear it. That said, if she's a good person she'll understand about being on the same dressiness level as your mom and not buy the fancy dress. It's totally reasonable to explain the situation to her and let her decide what to do. However, do remember that both your mom and your FMIL are adults and in the end it is their decision what to wear.
If it helps, my parents have plenty of money and my ILs don't, but my mom looked great in her expensive dress and MIL looked great in her cheaper dress, and no one thought twice about whether one was dressed better than the other. Just keep reminding your mom she looks great no matter what and it's not about the clothes in the end.
I totally feel your pain. My mom is a very similar situation to your's, and know that my FMIL will very much upstage her with a fancy dress, leaving my mother feeling even more upset then she already is about the wedding (She hates that she can't afford to help up, and my FI parents can). I think since you have a great relationship with your FMIL and she asked your opinion AND the dress is not the agreed upon color/ level of formality, very easily be able to say to your FMIL, that while the dress is very nice, but perhaps not the dress, and you are very much looking forward to going dress shopping with her soon. Honestly, I think it's the best thing you can do in the situation.
It sounds way to dressy for anyone other than the bride! On the upside, she's open to your opinion/approval and I feel that it would be a disservice to your mother (and YOU!) to give her the green light on this one. I don't think it would be bad at all; I'm sure she'll understand!
@skybride: I just posted the dress above. I DO think it is too dressy for anyone to wear - and yes, there is a part of me that isn't thrilled with the pick for that reason too.
Thanks to those of you who have been kind and yet still honest. I don't expect that everyone is going to agree with my opinion - but I was caught off guard since I'm clearly struggling with the situation and feeling badly - only to get told that I'm in no position to even remedy a situation where my opinion was directly asked for by my FMIL.
I'm also dying to know - for those of you who said I shouldn't consider asking her to try something less dressy so she doesn't upstage my own mom - if I had said I felt like I myself was being a little upstaged, would you have still told me I had no right?
i understand where you are coming from exactly, and given all your mom's health history, i wouldn't care how close i was to my fmil...i'd want my mom to feel just as good as i do on my wedding day, bc i'm her only daughter. i want my mom to feel radiant and glowing and i plan on treating her to all the things you plan on doing with yours.
i would most definitely tell you fmil to dress less formally. if she takes offense to that, oh well. no way in hell would i want my mom to feel upset or on the verge of tears. this is your day...and in a way it's your moms day too.
*hugs* for you and your mom :)
btw...it is totally not about an insecurity issue...that was ridiculous. :(
This is a web photo of my mom's dress - except hers is floor length.
I am so sorry you and your mom are going through this. I think you have every right to let your FMIL know that although you really like the dress, it is the wrong color and a bit to formal. She did ask for your opinion and you have a good relationship with her, so I think she will be open to your suggestions. I think that when she saw it, she just got overly excited and wanted it. You can offer to go shopping with her and/or you can send her some links to dresses that would be more acceptable. You could also let her know that a train on her gown would not be appropriate and it would probably just get in the way and people would be stepping on it.
Your mom's dress looks very nice. Maybe you could show her dress to your FMIL as an example of what you were thinking would be acceptable.
Edit: You wouldn't have to mention the price, if you showed her the dress as an example.
I agree with you, i think i'd feel like i was being upstaged from my FMIL with her dress. I know how you feel on the whole money situation and if you and your FMIL have a good relationship i'm sure she would be fine with you telling her its a beautiful dress but to tone it down a bit... or even make a comment like "wow gorgeous dress.. i dont think people will even be looking at me if you wear that" maybe she will catch a hint?! Either way you talk to her i'm sure ya'll will figure it out.. hey maybe even your FI can talk to her if you feel like you cant.
@noritake22: Exactly. I really don't want to embarass my mom either by saying anything about the price. To be honest, I'm blown away that my FMIL is choosing something so expensive because they aren't exactly rolling in money either. It's a strange choice for her finances too... so I really think she went into Nordstrom and it was the first thing they put her in and she fell in love.
Sorry writing through this post has got me thinking really hard about whether or not I have anything personal with this dress (aside from my Mom) and it occured to me just now that it is because it bears too many similarities to my own dress. Here are the side by sides... My dress is altered to a sweetheart neckline.
Your FMIL sounds like a reasonable person and as if she genuinely wants your input... Maybe you can just be honest with her, especially as she hasn't bought the dress yet?
Let her know that she has beautiful taste, but that you're concerned your mother will look too plain in comparison and that it matters a lot to you that your mother feels special as her life has been so difficult lately. Show her a picture of your mother in her dress and shrug if possible, or show her the same picture you've posted for us. Then your FMIL will have a point of comparison to work with. At that point, it'll be up to your FMIL to make her own decision, and hopefully she will choose a different dress--but if she doesn't, then that's life...
Also, your mum's dress is really pretty as well--I was expecting something much plainer. If your FMIL doesn't change her mind, perhaps you could buy your mum some beautiful costume jewellery (there's some very sparkly jewellery out there that doesn't cost a fortune) or a gorgeous hat to dress her up a bit more... yes, it's more money unfortunately.
Finally, I'm so sorry to hear about the state of her health and mental wellbeing. Best wishes to you and I admire the amount you're doing for her.
I'm sure if you tell your FMIL that her dress is a bit too formal that she would understand. Besides, I doubt she would want to be seen as overdressed compared to everyone else, and even the bride! Also remember your FMIL probably doesn't want to make your mom feel inadequate, as the two of you (FMIL and you) have a good relationship. I'm sure if you show her the dress your mom is wearing, and you can tell her you're showing her just to give her an idea of the level of formality you are looking for, she will find an appropriate dress she will love too. Good luck!
@christalynn11 : Thank you for clarifying the situation. Health problems make a huge difference and it sounds like your mom is the way she is because of something beyond her control. Like you said, a size 18 is really not that big and because of her health problems, I'm sure the weight issue is beyond her control. I think you are really sweet to have her hair and nails done and do her makeup given all that you already do for her, that is definitely above and beyond and you are a wonderful daughter. Everyone who has said that you shouldn't tell your FMIL what dress to wear and that she should be allowed to wear whatever she wants, clearly did not read your OP well enough. Your FMIL specifically asked for you to approve the dress. That means she wants your opinion and doesn't want to wear just whatever she wants obviously.
Bottom line, your FMIL wanted your opinion on her dress. The dress is too fancy for what you want and rivals your wedding gown as well as makes your mother feel upstaged. She can find another dress.
As for your mother's dress, I think it's gorgeous, honestly. When I just looked at the picture you posted, I was like, that's what she was describing?? It's much more beautiful than you made it sound! And it is the perfect level of "fancy" 
I don't care what other people say, this is YOUR day and if you are going to be stressing out about this on the day of, then you definitely need to say something.
I would do as everyone else suggested, and talk with your FMIL, saying the dress is lovely, but maybe a little too formal for the wedding. We might be having a similar situation in my wedding - my mom picked out a nice dress from Dillards, and FMIL has yet to buy a dress, and she cannot afford a $200 outfit. Hopefully she'll find something soon!
Can you reschedule your shopping date? That way you can steer her toward something less formal. She can always try on her pick for you, and then you say, eh, it's nice, but a little over-the-top for this shindig, how about something like this? Ordinarily I think all guests should get to wear what they want, but if she asked for your opinion you should give it.
For what it's worth, my husband's mom wore a simple wrap dress while his stepmom wore a floor-length bejeweled gown with a train, and while in theory you'd think it would look weird, it really didn't. I mean, obviously you want your mom to feel great, but on an aesthetic level I don't think it's a big deal. Plus, your mom's dress looks really nice!
I had worried about this with my mom and FMIL - my mom is the ultimate "tomboy" who has never worn nail polish in her life, and doesn't do heels... my FMIL doesn't blink at wearing a full length fur coat in the winter with sky-high heels...
My mom is going to be wearing a bronze knee-length dress from David's Bridal, and FMIL is wearing a floor-length dark purple dress from Macy's. While they are both very different styles, I think they will look beautiful in their own right, and mom's dress looks smokin' hot on her!
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