(Closed) Mother offended by invitations… Need advice please! Long story…

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Let it go. She is being ridiculous and will regret missing your wedding. 

Post # 4
1994 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@PinkMapleTree:  Wow! Mom is being a bit of a drama queen.  I would personally just offer to add him to make her happy, but it doesn’t seem like that would even help.  

Post # 6
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You were in the right from an etiquette perspective, I believe — not that, if you HAD been quite close to your mom’s boyfriend, you COULDN’T have included him — but they aren’t married and thus it’s not a breach of etiquette to exclude him from the hosting designation. (Not inviting him would have been a breach, but that’s neither here nor there.)

You mention that your relationship with your mom has been troubled all your life. The speed and vitriol with which she responded (she doesn’t want to see your kids?!) almost sounds like she was just waiting for an excuse to pitch this specific fit. Again, I’m so sorry that she’s reacted in this way.

Post # 7
6327 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014


Hmm, I thought that etiquette-wise, the invites should come from those who are paying? In this case, that would mean from you and your OH first, along with your father and step-mother; not from your father and step-mother; that suggests to guests that they are paying the bulk of the costs, which isn’t the case. Perhpas this has got her back up? Also, as she’s been with her partner for 10 years, I can see why she may be offended; it’s not like they’ve only been together a few months, and I am inclined to think that if you’re mentioning her, you should have mentioned him, too. So, playing devil’s advocate, I can KIND OF see why she might be upset.

That said, ultimately she’s being ridiculous as technically she shouldn’t be mentioned at all not having contributed.

I would probably ignore her and hope she forgets about it; I think that to not come over this would be extremely petty of her.

Post # 8
1797 posts
Buzzing bee

Let it go and call her bluff.  Respond with “I’m sorry you feel that way.  No slight of your boyfriend was intended.  You will be missed.”  Nothing else.  She wants to bait you and turn this into even more drama.  Call her bluff.

Post # 9
8530 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@PinkMapleTree:  since your mom is not contributing finacially, she should not be listed as the host. 

since you are your fiance are paying for 85% why don’t you say:


invite you with great pleasure
to celebrate their marriage

blah, blah, etc.

Post # 11
10774 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

When people act like this, it distorts getting to the bottom of things. You were trying to be nice , no good deed goes unpunished. I wouldn’t respond to her because of the vitriol of her response. Give it a week or so. then explain that you are sorry you hurt her or her bf, and you were so focused on including her as a host even though she is not one, that you didn’t think past that as to how her bf would feel. Tell her you hope she reconsiders and then leave it alone. Its sad that she is like this, but please don’t let her tantrum ruin your day. 

Post # 13
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015


Ignore it.  She’ll either grow up and come around on her own, or she can continue to be petty and not come.

If you do want to respond to her, explain the etiquette of invitations to her, and say that you only included her name because you love her.

Post # 14
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Uh your mom sounds like she’s being a child.  Who sends an EMAIL and doesn’t call someone to rationally explain they’re upset?  Ignore it, and her tantrum.

Post # 15
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I want to echo the others and say I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Your mom’s response, as hurtful as it is to you, is really about her. It’s reflective of her issues and it’s no reflection on you, your intentions or your actions. It sucks when you try your very best and receive a reaction you completely did not intend such as this one. You really don’t owe her any sort of response and I agree with waiting on it at least a week. You sound like a really nice person and so your first impulse may be to over-apologize or take the blame for it but your mother will never learn or grow if you do this. Wait it out, give her and you time to think on it and in a bit of time it will look much clearer to you. Please don’t let this get in the way of your own joy at htis time and please don’t blame yourself whatever you do.


Post # 16
4929 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

That’s ridiculious. In a formal invitation, I would not acknowledge a boyfriend either. I would write her back, and say that you thought ivitation etiquette dictated how you did it, and you did not intend it to be hurtful, and you hope that she will be gracious enough to overlook it as you did not slight anyone intentionally.

Seriously, the biggest thing I hated about my parents divorcing and re marrying, (also when I was in my early 20’s) was bullshit like this. Sorry to hear she would take a shot like that at you.

As much as it sucks to do it, maybe there’s a way to acknowledge them together in the ceremony or the speeches or something.


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