Post # 1
I need advice please! Yesturday my mom sent me a very long and nasty email saying that she will not attend my wedding because I didn’t include her boyfriend on my invitations and I did include my stepmother’s.
My invites were like this… Names changed
Victoria and Michael Smith (my father and step mom)
ms. Ruth Jones (my mom)
request the honor of your ppresence
at the marriage of
son of Jean and John Reber
bla bla bla….
*some info about us…
im 33. We’re paying for 85% of our wedding. My father and step mom is giving us the other 15%. I grew up with them and shes been stepmom for 27 years.
My mother has been a constant cause of heartache my whole life. But I love her and I really want her to be at my wedding. She’s been with her boyfriend for 10 years. They got together when I was 23. He has never been a fatherly figure to me at all.
So when I made up my invitations I didn’t even think to include him. Why would I? He’s not my parent and my mom and him aren’t the type of people to host. I included my mother’s name only so she would Not feel left out.
The email she sent me says that she will not come to my wedding, I’ve embarrassed her, hurt her beyond repair, she doesn’t want to see me or my children again, how could I include my step mom and not her Boyfriend or Best Friend, all I care about is money, how can I love my stepmom more than her…. and on and on
I am still in shock! What do I do? I’m just so angry and hurt! I didn’t inentially try to upset her.
How do I respond?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Let it go. She is being ridiculous and will regret missing your wedding.
Post # 4
@PinkMapleTree: Wow! Mom is being a bit of a drama queen. I would personally just offer to add him to make her happy, but it doesn’t seem like that would even help.
Post # 5
I can’t add him because I already sent the invites out.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You were in the right from an etiquette perspective, I believe — not that, if you HAD been quite close to your mom’s boyfriend, you COULDN’T have included him — but they aren’t married and thus it’s not a breach of etiquette to exclude him from the hosting designation. (Not inviting him would have been a breach, but that’s neither here nor there.)
You mention that your relationship with your mom has been troubled all your life. The speed and vitriol with which she responded (she doesn’t want to see your kids?!) almost sounds like she was just waiting for an excuse to pitch this specific fit. Again, I’m so sorry that she’s reacted in this way.
Post # 7
Hmm, I thought that etiquette-wise, the invites should come from those who are paying? In this case, that would mean from you and your OH first, along with your father and step-mother; not from your father and step-mother; that suggests to guests that they are paying the bulk of the costs, which isn’t the case. Perhpas this has got her back up? Also, as she’s been with her partner for 10 years, I can see why she may be offended; it’s not like they’ve only been together a few months, and I am inclined to think that if you’re mentioning her, you should have mentioned him, too. So, playing devil’s advocate, I can KIND OF see why she might be upset.
That said, ultimately she’s being ridiculous as technically she shouldn’t be mentioned at all not having contributed.
I would probably ignore her and hope she forgets about it; I think that to not come over this would be extremely petty of her.
Post # 8
Let it go and call her bluff. Respond with “I’m sorry you feel that way. No slight of your boyfriend was intended. You will be missed.” Nothing else. She wants to bait you and turn this into even more drama. Call her bluff.
Post # 9
@PinkMapleTree: since your mom is not contributing finacially, she should not be listed as the host.
since you are your fiance are paying for 85% why don’t you say:
YOUR NAME and HIS NAME
invite you with great pleasure
to celebrate their marriage
blah, blah, etc.
Post # 10
It was so out of the blue and so angry! I half expected her to decline coming because she’s been hinting on not coming for a while. She said she’d come only if her dog dies before my wedding (old dog on its last legs) because she won’t leave it to die with someone else. That her cousin is sick and will die within the year and doesn’t want to leave the province jut in case he dies while she’s gone. That she doesn’t like to fly. That she doesn’t want to see my aunt….
But to blame it all on me for my invitations! With such anger! I just don’t get it!
Post # 11
When people act like this, it distorts getting to the bottom of things. You were trying to be nice , no good deed goes unpunished. I wouldn’t respond to her because of the vitriol of her response. Give it a week or so. then explain that you are sorry you hurt her or her bf, and you were so focused on including her as a host even though she is not one, that you didn’t think past that as to how her bf would feel. Tell her you hope she reconsiders and then leave it alone. Its sad that she is like this, but please don’t let her tantrum ruin your day.
Post # 12
i think I just need to sit on it for a while. This is aweful.
Post # 13
Ignore it. She’ll either grow up and come around on her own, or she can continue to be petty and not come.
If you do want to respond to her, explain the etiquette of invitations to her, and say that you only included her name because you love her.
Post # 14
Uh your mom sounds like she’s being a child. Who sends an EMAIL and doesn’t call someone to rationally explain they’re upset? Ignore it, and her tantrum.
Post # 15
I want to echo the others and say I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Your mom’s response, as hurtful as it is to you, is really about her. It’s reflective of her issues and it’s no reflection on you, your intentions or your actions. It sucks when you try your very best and receive a reaction you completely did not intend such as this one. You really don’t owe her any sort of response and I agree with waiting on it at least a week. You sound like a really nice person and so your first impulse may be to over-apologize or take the blame for it but your mother will never learn or grow if you do this. Wait it out, give her and you time to think on it and in a bit of time it will look much clearer to you. Please don’t let this get in the way of your own joy at htis time and please don’t blame yourself whatever you do.
Post # 16
That’s ridiculious. In a formal invitation, I would not acknowledge a boyfriend either. I would write her back, and say that you thought ivitation etiquette dictated how you did it, and you did not intend it to be hurtful, and you hope that she will be gracious enough to overlook it as you did not slight anyone intentionally.
Seriously, the biggest thing I hated about my parents divorcing and re marrying, (also when I was in my early 20’s) was bullshit like this. Sorry to hear she would take a shot like that at you.
As much as it sucks to do it, maybe there’s a way to acknowledge them together in the ceremony or the speeches or something.