Post # 1
Hello everyone! Had a nice gym session, to come home to my mother complaining about my fiancé. My fiancé moved in with me and my mom about a year ago. Rent is very high where we live and my fiance was renting an efficiency, so because of a series of events (nothing to do with my fiancé) my mom suggested he move in with us. I was against the idea at first but eventually he did move in. He pays my mom an amount a month and so do I.
So today I get home and my mom begins to complain. A few months ago, I broke the toilet seat leaping away from a roach in the bathroom. Me and my fiancé get new screws and we fixed it. Today she said she went to the bathroom and almost killed herself because the seat was wobbly (I use it fine). Says he never fixed it. I told her he did and I was using it fine. “He has to fix it again”. Okay fine.
she then goes off about how she asked him to hang a hook in the kitchen with a screw so she can hang some stuff on it. She did mention it to him while I was there. We were about to leave for work and she didn’t have the screws anyway so he says he will do it no problem. Today she tells me he hasn’t done it, and he’s apathetic towards her and he should be wanting to do things for his mother in law. He just forgot. I completely forgot about the hook also until she mentioned it right then. It was a brief moment before work, and then we worked the whole day and it just slipped our mind. It’s not like her purposely didn’t do it because he doesn’t want to.
I’ll admit my fiancé does forget to do things that are asked of him. He just honestly forgets, it’s not this big plan to deceive my mom or anything. I tried explaining this to her and her reaction is just “how old is he? He’s too young to be forgetting things”, “i just asked him one thing and he can’t do it”. “Don’t mention anything to him I’ll just figure something out myself”.
I feel like she’s completely overreacting. I understand it’s something that’s on her mind because she wants it done, but people forget things. Our life isn’t revolving around putting that little hook up. I know my fiancé, and I ask him to do something tomorrow, I know I have to remind him tomorrow because it just slips his mind. My mom has asked a few times for him to do other things and we both forget. My mom will bring it up and I’m like “oh crap that’s right” and I’ll mention it to him and he’ll do it no problem.
Is my mom right to be acting like this?
Sorry for the long post!
Post # 2
Get a magnetic note pad that she can put the item on that she wants him to do for the day. That way he remembers. And she feels heard. It sounds like everyone is overreacting a bit. Is there a deeper issue?
Post # 3
I would find a way to move ASAP.
Until then, have her write down the things she wants done.
Post # 4
sweatergal007 : she wouldn’t want to do that. They aren’t chores for him to do, just favors haha.
Post # 5
Agree with PP. My husband forgets to do things sometimes and having a note on the fridge is a great way to remind him.
Post # 6
boogiewoogies : maybe a note pad in the room that she doesn’t see or something.
hikingbride : believe me some days I want to move but other days I feel we are fortunate because we have the opportunity to save as much as we can.
Post # 7
pearl311 : Ughhh. Sorry then!
Post # 9
sweatergal007 : yes that’s an option thank you :). I’ll bring it up to him. Such a dumb issue I know but it got me really annoyed!
Post # 10
Sorry, I would absolutely move out. My sanity and a strong relationship with my fiancé would be more important than saving money. I would not want my mom meddling in my relationship and talking about my fiancé that way. If you don’t live with her, she doesn’t get to.
Post # 11
This sounds like a recipe for even bigger problems and resentment in the future. Whatever you decide, do it quickly before any irreparable damage occurs.
Post # 12
I like the pen and paper idea. Explain it to her like it’s not really a chore, just a simple reminder. We all forget things, it sonly human.
Post # 13
Your mum’s behaviour sounds like it’s turning controlling and she is trying to get your fiancé in line. The toilet seat thing is very weird indeed.
How about your fiancé asking her to do “favours” and reacting the same way? How would that go down? There is something very odd about this and I can’t put my finger on it, but I do know you need to have your fiancé’s back on this 100%, and signal to your mum that you are now a unit and she can’t divide and conquer.
Tell your fiancé what’s going on and ask him how he feels about moving out. Tell your mother you won’t be keeping secrets from your fiancé unless they relate to her health or personal life alone and her wishes are reasonable.
You are her daughter, but you are no longer a child, you and your fiancé are not two kids with her as the adult in a triangle. Maybe she’s just getting ratty with you all sharing a house.
Post # 14
1. I assume you two are saving up to move out then? Step it up. It has been a year – how long is this going on. You may pay rent, but it sounds like your mother believes she is doing you a favor (and If she’s on the lease and the two of you aren’t, then she is) and feels entitled to requests. If you guys plan to live like Bert Bert and Ernie for much longer then perhaps formalize that with a contract and come to agreements on what you are responsible for.
2. If your fiance is that forgetful then maybe he needs to come up with a better system or this will continue to be a problem. He’s an adult – he should be able to organize and track his life without reminders from mommies and girlfriends. There are tons of to-do list and calendar apps out there for this purpose. If he doesn’t have a smartphone he can old school it with a small spiral notebook or pocket calendar and a pen in his pocket like people used to do before smartphones.
Post # 15
Why is your mom treating your fiancé like the handyman? If he is paying rent and it is HER place then she should be worried about repairs. Not to say he can’t help out- but who is going to do things when you two move out? Your moms attitude rubs me wrong.