Mother says fiancé is apathetic towards her

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2834 posts
Sugar bee

Get a magnetic note pad that she can put the item on that she wants him to do for the day. That way he remembers. And she feels heard. It sounds like everyone is overreacting a bit. Is there a deeper issue? 

Post # 3
Member
6828 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would find a way to move ASAP.

Until then, have her write down the things she wants done.

Post # 5
Member
2325 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Agree with PP. My husband forgets to do things sometimes and having a note on the fridge is a great way to remind him. 

Post # 8
Member
2834 posts
Sugar bee

Cell phone reminder? 

Post # 10
Member
1086 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Sorry, I would absolutely move out. My sanity and a strong relationship with my fiancé would be more important than saving money. I would not want my mom meddling in my relationship and talking about my fiancé that way. If you don’t live with her, she doesn’t get to. 

Post # 11
Member
46 posts
Newbee

This sounds like a recipe for even bigger problems and resentment in the future. Whatever you decide, do it quickly before any irreparable damage occurs. 

Post # 12
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I like the pen and paper idea. Explain it to her like it’s not really a chore, just a simple reminder. We all forget things, it sonly human.

Post # 13
Member
2420 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Move out!

Your mum’s behaviour sounds like it’s turning controlling and she is trying to get your fiancé in line. The toilet seat thing is very weird indeed. 

How about your fiancé asking her to do “favours” and reacting the same way? How would that go down? There is something very odd about this and I can’t put my finger on it, but I do know you need to have your fiancé’s back on this 100%, and signal to your mum that you are now a unit and she can’t divide and conquer.

Tell your fiancé what’s going on and ask him how he feels about moving out. Tell your mother you won’t be keeping secrets from your fiancé unless they relate to her health or personal life alone and her wishes are reasonable. 

You are her daughter, but you are no longer a child, you and your fiancé are not two kids with her as the adult in a triangle. Maybe she’s just getting ratty with you all sharing a house. 

Move!

Post # 14
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee

1.  I assume you two are saving up to move out then?  Step it up.  It has been a year – how long is this going on.  You may pay rent, but it sounds like your mother believes she is doing you a favor (and If she’s on the lease and the two of you aren’t, then she is) and feels entitled to requests.  If you guys plan to live like Bert Bert and Ernie for much longer then perhaps formalize that with a contract and come to agreements on what you are responsible for.

2.  If your fiance is that forgetful then maybe he needs to come up with a better system or this will continue to be a problem.  He’s an adult – he should be able to organize and track his life without reminders from mommies and girlfriends.  There are tons of to-do list and calendar apps out there for this purpose.  If he doesn’t have a smartphone he can old school it with a small spiral notebook or pocket calendar and a pen in his pocket like people used to do before smartphones. 

Post # 15
Member
7171 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Why is your mom treating your fiancé like the handyman? If he is paying rent and it is HER place then she should be worried about repairs. Not to say he can’t help out- but who is going to do things when you two move out? Your moms attitude rubs me wrong.

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