- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
Hi all, This is my first post and I’m hoping for advice on how to handle my mother (ha! at least around wedding stuff 🙂 ).
First of all, we have never had a good relationship. I have coped over the years by limiting contact with her. Currently, we speak on the phone for a few minutes every few months and otherwise by emails.
I do try to be sensitive to her and think of her as having mental health issues. She is a definite drama addict and very narcisistic. At my sister’s wedding, she caused huge drama trying to exclude my father from everything (they have been apart for years) and also trying to prevent us from seeing my little sister who was a minor at the time. On the day of, she had a big fit because my dad didn’t sit right next to her at the church…he said he had slid over a bit so he could get a better view (and why would he want to sit with his crazy ex wife?) She is extremely self-absorbed. I write all this to paint a bit of a picture. And yet, she is my mother. I know she cares about me. And I do try to keep a civil relationship with her.
Now it is time for my wedding. Sigh. We got over the hurdles of dress shopping (she was not invited nor told when I was going), that we are not having the ceremony in a church, and that my father would walk me down the aisle, not her. Ok. I did give her a special time during the reception and have tried to involve her in other decisions like what the flower girls would wear.
But the guest list is a doozy. Part of the issue is that we have chosen a beautiful venue that we are both in love with but it is somewhat small. Maximum it fits 115 and that will be very squishy. Most of our guests are Out of Town so we went ahead and set a guest list of 120 and sent save the dates over xmas.
Here comes the problem (sorry for long post!). Thinking carefully about how many people we could invite and weighing friends against relatives etc. I decided the best thing for me would be to set a couple of simple rules and then just stick to them. So, for my dad’s side, I invited all the aunts and uncles (he has a huge family) and one first cousin that I have been in touch with recently. I don’t know any of my other cousins so that seemed reasonable. On my mom’s side, I decided to invite my aunts (her 3 sisters) and all of my first cousins (all of whom I have spent some time with at least as a child).
Ok, decision made. Now, I know my mom didn’t want me to invite her sisters and she has some crazy feud with a couple of my cousins on that side but it is all craziness – none of it is rational. Plus I know I wouldn’t be able to avoid drama no matter what I did so I did what felt best. She didn’t want me to inivite one sister in particular and I didn’t feel comfortable leaving out one person. (my sister went along with this and it was a huge drama too) Geez, I could go on and on this is so complicated. By The Way, this aunt was so touched to be sent the STD card that she wrote me a letter and sent me an engagement present. She said my mom always tried to keep us away from the family.
Recently, my mother inadvertently (I think) cc’ed me on an email to my older sister (who is my MOH) saying how she is “dreading” my wedding because my aunt might decide to come. Great. Intellectually, I know this shouldn’t bother me and I should have expected it but it still hurt a lot. Maid/Matron of Honor didn’t back me up and said I should just give in to what mom wants but the STD cards are sent so it is too late anyway.
Now my mother is sending repeated requests that cousins and aunts of Hers be invited – people I’ve never met in my life. My strong feeling is that I don’t want people at my wedding that I wouldn’t even recognize – plus our venue can’t handle more people. I feel also that she is trying to create more drama.
I find this issue bothering me as I want the day to be special and focused on joy. I keep wondering ‘did I do the wrong thing? was I too stubborn?’ Dear Fiance tries to help but doesn’t understand what it is like to have a disfunctional family like mine.
Any words of wisdom bees?