Post # 1
I’m a Catholic girl, born and raised, with dreams and goals of being married and having a huge family. Met the man I love who said he only would want 1 child. With all my cute nephews and nieces already running around for me to spoil I figured I would be okay with just 1 of my own. A beautiful wedding, beautiful home, and a year of wedded bliss later, and my world has just come crashing down on me in his one sentence: “I don’t want kids anymore.”
We’d been talking and planning for months about trying next year. I should have kept my mouth shut but I was so excited I practically told every man woman and child I knew to expect a baby from us in 2 years time. Why couldn’t he have warned me then that he was starting to hesitate?? I feel so lost. So sad and dead inside, mourning the child I already grew to love that I will never have now. How do I forgive him? I made a vow in front of God to love and cherish this man until death do us part. I can’t help but wonder what I have done to deserve this all. Not a saint but always been considered a “good girl”.
How do I move on from this? How do I stop crying? How can I see my husband in the same eyes I did before? I don’t want to leave him but I don’t know how to forgive him for what he’s done to me. The wound is still fresh so I hope maybe in time things will get back to how they were.
A mother without a child. I heard that phrase somewhere and I’m starting to feel like that’s what I am. I have been around babies my whole life, taking care of siblings, taking care of nephews and nieces, playing with and holding practically every baby I see.
I know God has a reason for everything. Maybe I am not meant to have a child. Maybe I’m meant to help the less fortunate children through charity work in some way?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
First, I’d go talk to your priest and get his advice. It would be good to have someone who really understands your faith listen to you. Then, I’d consider some kind of counseling, in the church or out, with your husband so that you can express to him in a safe environment the sense of betrayal you feel. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Post # 4
I’m not Catholic, but if I understand the religion, doesn’t him not wanting kids mean that the marriage was never valid in God’s eyes anyway? If having kids is part of your life plan, you could look into an anullment.
Post # 5
This sounds like a pretty quickly accepted no questions statement. Have you talked through it with him about how you feel? Does he know that you’re devastated? What made him change his mind?
It looks like you are Catholic, and I know the discussion up front includes openness to children – can you think back to precana chats and remind him of his commitments… He seems to have mislead you. Is this related to other issues? Maybe there is someone in the church you can turn to for guidance?
Im so sorry you’re going through this, I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. Xoxo keep us posted
Post # 6
Maybe you should just tell him how devistated you are about this. I mean if he loves you the way you love him he would have to take your happiness into consideration. It was totally wrong and heartless of him to know how much it meant to you and never say he was having second thoughts. I would ask God for the words to say and for your husbands heart and ears to be open and softened and then talk with your husband about this. Im sorry you are hurting right now!! Hugs!
Post # 7
@Over_The_Rainbow: Thank you all for your quick and heartfelt replies. Everything just happened the other day so we have talked as much as we could. He does know how devastated I am. He wanted to be honest and tell me about his change of heart about kids and I was even more sad to hear him say yesterday that he knew it would hurt me but he didn’t know it would hurt me this much. Everyone that knows me knows how much I love kids. He is usually telling me to stop trying to play with strangers babies at church because he thinks I will scare them. He really did think I would be a little sad at his news but that I would be okay. I always had doubts here and there about how he really felt about kids. He kept insisting that he loved me and would want 1 child together. Says that he really didn’t mean to lie in the beginning, that he thought he did want 1, but now that it’s getting more ‘real’ with us talking about trying soon, some of his deeper emotions are finally surfacing.
I’ve been praying and hoping that God will stir some kind of emotional ‘baby bond’ in his heart. It’s only been a couple days since this all happened so I’m hoping (maybe naively) that he will change his mind. Thank you all again and I appreciate any prayers sent forth.
Post # 8
@Over_The_Rainbow: Oh my goodness OP I am praying for you and your husband. I feel what he’s done to you is just not fair. How could he think you would react any other way? To basically deny the woman you love the chance at motherhood… after you married her a year ago, reassuring her that she WOULD have that chance.
Am I right that you would not have continued dating him if he had told you early on he didn’t want kids?
I don’t think he has the right to just change his mind on you like that. Legally of course but morally? It’s just wrong. It was part of his commitment to you. I’m so sorry, I hope he changes his mind again 🙁 🙁
Post # 9
wow…. that’s very sad.. and i dont even want kids.
You should ask him more about his change of heart, why doesnt he want children?
i hope you can work it out 🙁
Post # 10
@Daisy_Mae: It would be grounds for an annullment if he lied to her and she married him believing the lie. It’s not grounds for an annullment if he honestly did want to have one child when they got married but later changed his mind.
OP, that sucks. Like, really sucks. Go to marriage counselling. You need to air this one out.
Also, why is it assumed that he automatically gets his way? He is the one that married you on the assumption you would be having kids. He’s the one that changed his mind. In my eyes, you want X, he wants Y, but you two agreed to X so he can just suck it right the f*ck up.
Post # 11
That sounds like a horrible situation! I’m honestly furious on your behalf – if my partner did that, he’d be out the door quicker than blinking! Even though he may not have intended to deceive you, these are issues he should have worked through before the marriage.
Does he have valid reasons for not wanting children? Financial, afraid of raising children, had a poor childhood himself, or does he just “not want children?”
@AdriannaJean: With almost any other issue, I would agree with you, but a child isn’t something you can have because you said you would a few years earlier. It’s a lifelong commitment, and I doubt anyone would want to force their partner to have a child they don’t want.
Post # 12
@AdriannaJean: yeah, but then again why would he have a kid if he doesnt want to anymore? that can’t be good for her, for him and for the child.
Post # 13
@AdriannaJean: In my eyes, you want X, he wants Y, but you two agreed to X so he can just suck it right the f*ck up.
Is the risk of him being a shitty father or being resentful towards mother and/or child worth it?
In my eyes, it wouldn’t be.
Post # 14
This is definitely sad. I would take a look back at the promises you made before God that included openness to children. If he did not tell you of this feeling he had on the day you married and BOTH said that you would be open to children then it is grounds for annulment (however, I doubt you are thinking along those lines).
Point is, he can’t just up and change his mind cuz all of a sudden he feels this way. His “decision” is not a done deal, nor is it set in stone. Pursue marriage counseling, but also talk to the priest that married the two of you! I can’t help to think what he would have to say on the matter. Also, if you’re interested, look into the catholic church teaching on marriage and family and procreation. It only solidifies your feelings and may help open the eyes of your husband.
Post # 15
@Over_The_Rainbow: I was having the kids talk with SO last night. He would like at least one and I’m not sure. I told him that if for him having children is that important he needs to think about it before we get married because there is a chance that I may never want them. To be honest I’m happy he said I’m more important than any child he could ever have. I know it’s hard to accept but people change they’re mind, having children is not buying a goldfish it’s a major life changing decision and i don’t think it’s good to take that decision unless you are 100% sure.
I have a question: Since you are a catholic you should not be using any type of contraception anyway so either you are not having sex (which is grounds for annullment in the catholic church) or he is aware of the risk that a baby may come anyway?
Post # 16
To give some background: While we were dating, before things got too serious, we had the kids talk. He actually brought up the subject one day when I was playing peek a boo with a random baby next to us in the restaurant. He asked me what I would do if he said he didn’t want kids. I got silent and pretty much told him that that would be a deal breaker for me and I would end it before we got too invested in each other. He said he just wanted to see what I’d say, and that he wanted 1. To prove a point he started playing with the baby too.
He was not raised in any particular religion but was always open to christianity and so decided to convert to share my religion with me (I didn’t force him too, I’m pretty open to people believing in whatever they want to believe in so I would have married him even if he didn’t convert). I grew up in a very Catholic-Sunday-school-every-weekend large family. He has 1 sibling and they pretty much cared for themselves growing up since they were poor and his parents had to work all the time. He is very close to his family though.
Not to be too graffic, but we use the old teenage “pull out” method, so I did ask what he would do if we had a surprise baby. He said he would try his best to be a good dad. Coincidentally, my period is a few days late (it is never late) but I have no pregnancy symptoms so I think it’s just stress.
After some serious discussions this weekend, he has opened up more and says he doesn’t think he will be a good dad because he can’t see himself sacrifing all that you need to to be a parent, or slowing down in his career. He is very ambitious and career oriented (we had both barely gotten out of grad school when we were married) but he always said he was working hard for us+future baby. Now he’s starting to feel like he’s too selfish to give up our vacations and such. Money might buy his happiness but family buys my happiness. More long talks to come I think.
I especially liked your feedback @walnutgirl, because it gives me a different perspective from the other side of the fence.
He will be staying with a friend this weekend so we both have some time to clear our heads and think about things.
I will definately keep you all posted! Thank you all!!