Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2016 - somewhere in south carolina
My name is Jessica and I recently got engaged about a month ago and I am absolutely estatic until I start to talk to my mother. Without fail, every time I talk to my mother about my wedding, no matter how small the detail, the conversation ends in an argument and me crying(after we hang up). I do not feel like my wedding is anything out of the question. I have set a budget of about $15,000; $20,000 tops. But my mother thinks I should be able to have a wedding and reception for under $500, because her wedding was only $400. I have tried to explain to her that the average wedding is around $35,000 and that since I am paying for the wedding the price should not matter. She does not even want us to have a reception; she thinks the money would be better spent later on in our marriage. My fiance and I have decided that we would both like to make our wedding an all day event. The ceremony itself will be short and sweet, but we plan to have a nice reception with dinner, dancing, entertainment and drinks. The main reason for the reception being so long is that everyone will be having to travel. I guess you could call it a destination wedding. We have a lot of people coming from out of state; I feel like it would be rude to invite them to the wedding and not provide a meal. My mother just doesn’t understand my reasoning. She is more concerned with me having a wedding close to home and does not think our side of the family will come if it is too far away.
I really hate to argue with my mother and it is taking the excitement of our wedding away. Part of me just wants to elope and be done with the whole thing. Anyone else having these probelms??? Any advice would be great.
Post # 2
Politely and lovingly tell your mom that since you are paying for your wedding, you get to decide how much to spend and on what. After that, do not discuss any details of the wedding with your mother.
Your mother probably got married when $400 was a lot of money. Things have changed and she can’t expect you to follow her path. I agree it is rude to invite out of town guests and not provide a meal.
Post # 3
jessikuhmahree: Tell your Mom that although you value her opinion, you won’t be able to share wedding planning with her if all she is going to do is criticize.
When you do ask for her opinion on something be sure to present it as a choice- Do you prefer A or B? Not should we do A or B?
Post # 4
I agree with the PP who said you need to stop discussing the details of the wedding with your mother. Tell her your decisions only after they’ve been booked and paid for, and even then, don’t tell her how much is cost you. If/when she asks, you can say, “please don’t worry about it, we found it to be very reasonable and it’s under control”. If she starts to get heated or demanded on the phone, it’s time to hang up. It’s best to set this trend as early as possible because with a 19+ month engagement (I think), you’re going to get tired of this really fast.
You should have exactly the kind of wedding you want and can afford. Though it doesn’t sound like she’ll agree, it really doesn’t matter what she did.
Post # 5
I truly understand how you feel, my mother basically did the same thing. My husband and I paid for almost all of our $18,000 wedding, with her contributing $300 for some booze, and the in laws purchasing $200 of flowers – but upon telling my mother details, she told me that we didn’t need to have a fancy celebration, and that we should have a backyard celebration with KFC catering – because it was good enough for her.
Now, if that’s what she wanted.. fine! Obviously her priorities were about saving money rather than having a fancy gathering.. but I preferred something a little more formal. After that, she pretty much shot every idea I brought up to her, and eventually I just stopped telling her details. She honestly didn’t know anything about the wedding besides colors, and what my dress looked like.
Post # 6
First off – congratulations on your engagement! This should be one of the happiest times of your life but I can tell you it will be incrediably stressful as well. 🙂 I’m just over a year into my engagement and can’t wait til I cross the finish time to marriage haha!
As PP said – don’t discuss details with your mother until it’s booked. You’re the one paying for it so in all honesty, your mum has no opinions to give that matter. I don’t know how much weddings cost you where you are but I’m going to be in the $35,000 – $40,000 mark with my own wedding and we are paying for it all ourselves. My mum sometimes struggles with that but I just tell her what I’ve done and where I’m coming from and she tends to come round.
Be persistent. Tell her it’s your money and you’ll spend it as you wish.
Post # 7
jessikuhmahree: That’s a bummer. Without knowing her, but as a mom myself, I would guess she’s mainly worried about you and wants to be sure you don’t spend so much on the wedding that you’re left short in other areas. It’s also possible though, that she’s just nosey and maybe even jealous. I can’t say. But the great thing is that since she’s not contributing, you can just quit talking to her about it! Easy peasy. Share your ideas and plans with your fiancee and friends and just avoid talking about it with your mom. If she asks, just say “it’s going to be a surprise!” I assume you’re an adult, living on your own. If so, there’s no reason she needs to know what you pay for anything, especially if she’s going to make you feel bad about it.
I couldn’t tell from your post — have you moved away from your hometown, so the wedding will be “destination” for most of your guests but it’s near you? Or do you still live near family and the wedding will be a destination for you too?
Post # 8
I think you need to simply stop talking to her about your wedding and set some boundaries. You probably have expectations of sweet, loving wedding preparation that unites a family, and strenghtens mother-daughter bond. However, it doesn’t work like that for a lot of people. If your mom is dusfunctional, pushy, judgemental etc she won’t suddenly change just because you get married.
For your own sake and sanity you should give up any hopes of changing her and start working on things you can control – your own reactions. You cannot influence your mom to be less a hassle, less judgemental. However, you can make a change in you not to share details with her, not to ask her opinions and just follow for whatever you and your fiancee want.
This is your day. It’s first and foremost the celebration of you and your fiance’s unity. Don’t let your mom ruin you the important time of preparing not only for wedding, but for the whole marriage. If she’s so judgemental one, she is most likely judge you on other choices – like having children, how to birth and what a child neads. She “was happy without all those stuff”, right? But you don’t need to walk in her shoes. So the sooner you are able to emotionally cut her involvement off, the better you’ll be. Be nice to her, but keep details to yourself. It is your wedding, your marriage, your life.
Good luck! Be brave.
Post # 9
KFC catering! Don’t kill me!
I had the opposite problem. My parents were trying to force a huge and expensive wedding on my husband and I. We only wanted something intimate but they wouldn’t hear of it…so we eloped.
Post # 10
To echo Daisy_Mae, as a mom, I can see how a child spending $20K on a wedding would make me sad–because of all the other things that $20K could do to truly enhance my child’s life (and as you get older, you realize a wedding is probably lower than you thought on the scale of “life-enhancing”). I’m not saying that gives her any right to fight with you over how you spend your own money, but perhpas that’s where she’s coming from.
Still, it is your money. You may not be able to get your mother on your side and perhaps accept the reality that she just won’t agree with your vision, and then stop hitting the beehive. It’d be wonderful if you could plan it with her blessing, but that just might not be in the cards. Second best option is to keep her on a “need to know” basis and make it safe for her to change her mind.
Post # 11
Totally agree with what everyone else is saying! Just start planning and don’t ask her opinion. You obviously don’t agree, so why bother starting a fight? She’s basically suggesting you get married and not have a celebration at all. But you want a wedding, and you shouldn’t have to apologize for it!
Paying for the wedding yourself is actually so freeing. The only opinion that matters is yours!
Post # 12
jessikuhmahree: hahah omg yes! I eloped bc of f-family drama! But don’t bc it’s YOUR day. Don’t forget that it has nothing to do with Her! Do what you and FI want. Focus on the day. It should be the best day of your lives!
Post # 13
amiona: I’m not even joking, she actually said the words “KFC” and “keg”.
No, mom. No.
Post # 14
Wow. That sounds more like a BBQ than a wedding.
My mom wanted five bridesmaids that she chose and a horse drawn carriage.
She also wanted to pick my dress, venue and my husband’s wedding party.
Can you imagine? All we wanted was 60 guests and two attendants on each side.
Post # 15
jessikuhmahree: Wow, just wow! My husband and I paid 100%, for our daughter’s weddings, but they and our now SILs made almost 100% of the decisions. And I say almost, because we decided on a budget together and there were a few nudges, by their father and myself, to keep it within that budget. One thing my husband said time and time again was “No pay, no say!,” in regard to a multitude of other people making suggestions, and I think that’s a relevant phrase for you, too. Good luck!