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what about just... NOT doing these things upon which your mother is insisting? what's a little crap-slinging behind your back compared to all this work you're doing (with missing meals and such)? i understand the want and need to make your mother happy, but the yarmulkes project was not even possible to finish while getting other things done, and you should have said so at the beginning. don't let your mom push you around, then you won't have to be angry at your fiance for not wanting to get in the middle.
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The problem is that my parents are financially backing a significant portion of the wedding. We were going to pay for it on our own but keep the guest list small, but my parents panicked because then they couldn't invite all their old college sorority/fraternity friends, etc. They are giving us a LOT of money towards it so that they can invite whomever they desire, and my mother threatens to pull out the funding if I don't meet her demands. The problem is that since we're getting married on a holiday weekend, the save the dates went out in the mail 6 months ago, and we can't NOT invite people who already received the Save the Date. If my mother follows through with her threats (which wouldn't surprise me), then we would be stuck having to take out about $32,000 in loans to pull off the wedding.
that does make it more difficult then... i'm sorry about that! is there any way to compromise with her about her demands? like, for example, "mom, i can make yarmulkes for the wedding party and the immediate family, but every one else has to wear purchased ones"?
the only other thing i can say is, try your best to lay off your fiance. i know it sucks that he's not backing you up, but imagine if he had spoken up and your mom took it that you were both against her. that might make a rift that would result in your funding getting pulled, too. ...just another POV. hope it helps.
I am sorry, but your mother is being a b*tch! You need to say it is your wedding, and she is making into hers, and its not what you want anymore. However, the issue with your FI is not going to change - he most likely will never get in the middle of an argument between you and your parents. ANyway, chances are, she will not refuse to pay for the wedding if you say no to something. I mean, I assume you have already paid a lot to vendors for deposits and such. There is a money loss right there. And then there is the embarassment on her part when she has to tell everyone the wedding is cancelled because she is being a control freak! Tell her its your wedding, you will be making the decisions from now on, if she wants the yarmulkes she can make them herself, and if she wants to not contribute the money, you will simply have the original wedding you wanted! She won't do anything about it.
another thing i just thought of is that when she suggests something, maybe wait a week or two to see if she still remembers/expects it to be done, so that you're not wasting time on things she doesn't even recall telling you to do. just tell her it's on your list. ;)
So sorry to hear about all the stress your mom is putting you through. You can't really control your mom's perceptions, and it would be a shame to waste the work you've already done, so maybe you can change how you feel about the situation to preserve your own sanity. Even though it was your mom's idea, she's essentially letting you take credit for it. You've worked so hard and surely your guests will be impressed with your efforts. Finish them up and when your guests compliment you, bask in the praise and say, "Thanks, it was an idea I had that I worked hard on, I'm glad you liked it!" If your mom is letting you take all the credit, let her! In the meantime, maybe your fiance can support you by helping to make them, since I think it would be very hard for him to feel comfortable supporting you by fighting with your mom. I know I wouldn't want to fight with my MIL either. Good luck!
If your fiance wanted to please your mother, why isn't he helping crochet the yarmulkes? Why isn't your mother helping? Frankly, if you have to do all the work, then you should get to say whether they get done.
Does your experience with your mother lead you to believe her threats of refusing to pay for the wedding if you don't do what she wants? Sometimes people just are really unpleasant, but when push comes to shove they don't follow through. You could counter-threaten and say that if she refuses to pay, you'll simply cancel the wedding and have the small affair you initially planned, and all her friends will know it's because she refused to pay for it after making you invite them. I'm not saying you have to follow through with it, but emotional blackmail should be countered with the same, in my opinion.
Finally, for the immediate problem with the yarmulkes, I say mix them together with store-bought ones and call it a day. I've never been to a Jewish wedding, so I don't know how they're distributed, but you could, say, layer them in a basket with a couple store-bought one then a crocheted one, then store-bought ones, etc. It would make a pretty presentation and frankly I doubt your guests will notice/care who gets which kind. Or, if you hand them out individually, then just make enough for your close family and give them the crocheted yarmulkes and let everyone else use store-bought. Definitely stop killing yourself over these!
If the abuse you are taking is really worth your parents' financial contribution (seems unlikely), I would definitely make it a policy to follow up whatever you agree to with her with some kind of confirmation in writing--- preferably an email with your fiance cc'ed:
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: Verdana">"Hi Mom, just wanted to let you know that, as per our discussion, I have hired the fifteen Swedish acrobats you requested. They will need to get into the temple early to set up their trapezes, so can you call Rabbi X and let him know? Thanks!"
I don't think this is a matter of your fiance "letting your mother treat you this way." I think the way you're feeling about this is almost as if it was HIS mother that was doing this...if that were the case, then I would definitely say that it was his place, even his responsibility, to speak up and let his mother know it was unacceptable. But the fact that it's your mother, I actually think it's more appropriate that he NOT get involved. As another poster said, that could create long lasting rifts which you definitely don't want..leading up to the wedding and beyond.
I know how hard it is to resist patterns that have formed with parents. But I think in this situation, YOU are letting her treat you this way, not your fiance. It sounds like, if she's really saying the things you quote above, she has an abusive way of speaking to you, and no one can end that cycle besides you and her. I know the feeling of someone waving money over your head and controlling you that way - my father in law has a long history of doing that to my husband, and then to us when we were dependent on him for certain things. Sadly, with people like that, the only way to break that cycle is not take anything from them, especially money, because it is used against you like a weapon.
I hear what you're saying about where you are now - it sounds like you do need to do whatever needs to happen to be able to have the wedding you have basically already invited people to (with save the dates). If you don't think a heart to heart with your mom would help and maybe form a new kind of communication between you, then I think you have to use what you know about her and just get through it. And I thinkit's totally reasonable, and right, to expect your fiance to give you unending support in this...privately. I think you'll both be thankful he DIDN'T get involved publicly. This is your battle to fight, with him backing you up all the way...just not to your mother's face.
Thanks for the suggestions so far, everyone.
I had gone through my e-mail messages to see if there was any sort of 'proof' (hadn't found anything) but I think will definitely use beanchar's idea of sending e-mails for each of her demands (and I LOVED your example, it made me laugh). And bettina, maybe you're right and I just need to play along for a bit and hope she forgets. At this point, I really don't have TIME to take on anything else anyway, with trying to finish these up AND make all our invitations.
snmcdowell, I hadn't even thought about the positives of taking the credit myself. I guess I've just been too negative about the situation -- of course, the compliments don't make me hate the actual work put into the project any less. :)
As far as her not following through with her threats... I'm kind of nervous that she will. My only hope is that my father wouldn't let her get away with it (they are still married, so it's not like I'm relying on separate amounts of money). I just worry because she demands perfection and always told me that nothing less than graduating as high school valdictorian would be enough, and that she wouldn't come to my graduation. Sure enough, I graduated as saluditorian, and sure enough, my father and grandparents were present, but she refused to show up. Clearly, not graduating first in my class totally hindered me -- I only went to top-notch university and am now getting my Ph.D. in oncology. I think it really irks her that I still somehow managed to be successful (as if high school rankings have anything to do with life outcome).
Mrsrothberg, if I am the one letting my mother treat me this way, what should I do to break the cycle? I have tried talking to her (she refuses to listen), I have tried breaking off all communications (but I don't want to stop taking to my father whom I adore, and since they are still married I can't really talk to one and not the other), etc. It's not that this is a repeat situation with money - I am completly financially dependent, wedding aside, and it was their choice to offer money so that they could invite their family members and friends, we did not ask for it. My parents do not provide any financial assistance for everyday life, I 100% pay for my daily living, graduate school, etc. Your suggestion of breaking the cycle by not taking anything doesn't really apply to me, and I had absolutely no idea this would happen when we agreed to let them finance part of the wedding so that they could invite their own friends.
Obviously, this stems much deeper than just the wedding, but I would love to find a way to get my mother off my back regarding the wedding. At this point, she is sucking all the happiness out of it, and frankly, I really just want to un-invite her! (Obviously, not an option).
Julie,
I hope my response didn't offend you - definitely didn't mean to. I guess the bottom line of what I'm saying is that she's probably not going to change. As you said, you've never had a great relationship, and situations like weddings, etc tend to exacerbate personality conflicts. Luckily, the wedding is the only way you are dependent on her, and that has an end in sight. I think you're totally justified to be frustrated and hurt by the way she is taking enjoyment away from you here...and that's why I say the only thing you can do is get through it. It will be frustrating at times, but you will get through it. I just wouldn't let it become an even bigger problem by letting it become one between you and your fiance. That's why I say...expect him to support you, just not to the point where he participates in a fight between you and your mother.
Have you ever spoken to your dad about the way your mom treats you? I wonder if he'd have any insights. Also, and this is a totally personal thing, but I would not let your mother continue to call you "stupid" and other abusive things. If I were you, I would let her know that if that's the way she plans on speaking to you, you can't have a relationship with her, as much as you'd like to (if you think this conversation is best had after the wedding, that's totally understandable).
On a totally separate note, the place we ordered our yarrmulkes from had crocheted options as well..have you considered ordering crocheted ones?
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There is a way out of the continuous squabbling with your mom - which is actually my dad's motto in life - just say "yes, that's a great idea" and then quietly proceed to doing your OWN THING, the way you intended to do it all along.
this way you're appeasing the other person by saying yes, completely taking the wind out of their sails and in essence not giving them a reason to argue(because, let's face it, it's all about control issues anyway). However, what you'll end up with is the exact wedding of your dreams. I doubt your mom will make a scene when she realizes that the yarmulkas are store bought, or some other detail was not as she wanted but rather, how YOU want it.
And about the fiance - he's very very wise by staying out of this. This has nothing to do with him supporting you or not, this is totally between your mom and yourself. (I'm jewish too so I speak from experience...!)
Best of luck!
Mrs Rothberg-
I wasn't offened, just looking for other suggestions since cutting the financial ties don't really apply to my everyday life. If you're willing to share, where did you purchaes your yarmulkes? I have enough handmade to cover the bridal party and the immediate family members for both sides, so I could provide handmade ones to the wedding VIPs, but maybe I can pick some up for the rest of the wedding. I'm just afraid that I will wind up 20 short the night before the wedding and will wind up crocheting my way through the rehearsal dinner and staying up all night trying to finish them and I really don't need this extra stress!
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I think it's a GREAT idea to have the ones you have for the bridal party and immediate family and maybe you could even order a few different colors of store-bought ones that coordinate with the color scheme of the ones you've made - that would be great and would overall have a very "custom" look.
I don't know where you are, but I'm in NY so the ones I ordered were from a store on Long Island called Zion Lion, but you could definitely call them and they could order for you and then ship them to you. Their number is (516) 437-5466 and Shula in particular is very helpful there. They also have a website, but last time I checked, there wasn't too much on there as far as pictures, so it's probably best to call. In case you want to look, the website is http://www.zion-lion.com
I pretty much agree with everything that has been said here, but I just wanted to add that I am so sorry you are going through this. My mom is my best friend, and I can't imagine how much this relationship has taken a toll on you. It is certainly way beyond the yarmulkes at this point, with her basically verbally abusing you on a regular basis. The whole thing about her not coming to your high school graduation because you weren't Valedictorian really made me choke up -- that is just not right. If nothing else, please look at this as an experience in how NOT to treat your children in the future. Unfortunately your mother will probably never change, but you can still come out a better person for having gone through this.
i agree, too. especially since, if your family is anything like mine, i can fight with my parents and everything everytually gets forgiven, but my mom has a memory like an elephant: if anyone not in our immediately family, including people i've dated in the past, were to get involved in our fights, they never get forgiven.
as for how to deal with your mom now, well it sounds like you can address this one issue by buying the yalmulkes, but i think i would get wedding insurance, just in case. not so that you can call off the wedding, but *if* your mom decides to pull her money, you can tell her to go ahead and you and your FI can elope. seriously. your closest people would come if you told them you were eloping to the bahamas (or somewhere) and then you would be excused from inviting all your parents' friends. there could be worse things. and at least you would have a back-up plan. and a calm counter-threat to tell your mom if she threatens to pull her money.
I cannot express my sympathies enough! No one should have to deal with the abuse you have dealt with! You may want to look into what's called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My dad has it and it made my family's life very difficult! It sounds a little like your mom (with the limited information I have). I did a quick google search on dealing with verbal abuse and found a few good sites. Mostly they recommend not taking the abuse personally because it's ultimately not about you it's about the abuser and recommend trying not to escalate the situation. It seems like you're placating the abuser by not fighting back, but fighting back only escalates the situation and validates the abuser. I found this quote to be very enlightening as well.
<font size="2" color="#222222">Understand abuse. Verbal abuse makes a person feel unloved, unwanted, unnecessary, and unworthy. The abuser must destroy the person’s self-esteem to make them feel more powerful and in control. When in actuality, it is the abuser who is the insecure one. The abusive patterns are the abuser’s way of regaining security. </font>
<font size="2" color="#222222">I would highly recommend getting into some counceling! Beaking the cycle of abuse (which you have been experiencing for a long time) is very difficult to do on your own. You really need some outside help. I've worked in a shelter for battered women so if you have any questions or need anything else please do not hesitate to email me (bonnie.stafford at mac dot com). Good luck and you're in my thoughts!</font>
to be honest, i don't think it's right to put ur FI in the middle of u and ur mom. i understand that u want him to back u up, but its just not appropriate for him to "defy" ur mom in front of the two of u when u fight. u really shouldnt expect him to do that. i mean, of course he supports u and wants u to be happy, but its not right for him to say anthing to ur mom. in fact, thats where u come in. tell ur mom how u feel. talk to the rest of ur family about it. get some outsider input and help. but don't make ur FI feel more uncomfortable than he already does, by expecting him to "put ur mom in her place".
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I've been reading this throughout the day on my iPhone and I'm finally on a computer where I can post.
You should approach your father about the money and ask for the amount your parents are contributing towards your wedding in a lump sum now. That way, you will have the money. You could probably even talk to the two of them together and just say, "I would feel more comfortable if you gave the money straight to us so that we are not constantly being threatened by you to withdraw it". (Alternatively you can say, "we want to put the wedding on our rewards credit card and be able to pay it off ourselves" or whatever.)
My aunt sounds a little bit like your mother, and she ran my cousin's entire wedding and her husband always thought she was crazy but he didn't get involved in their fights. Until they had children. Once they had kids, all bets were off and when my aunt thought she had the right to do something, he told her off. So don't worry - this may not be the situation for life. My sister's fiance thinks my dad is insane but he doesn't get involved, for now. He's made it perfectly clear that once they are married, my father's weirdness about money and controlling will be a thing of the past.
Definitely definitely definitely just buy the rest of the yarmulkas! You will feel so much better once you just make the order - the stress will be totally off your mind, and your bridal party and VIPs will feel touched that you cared enough to crochet them the special yarmulkas, instead of thinking you ran out of the time/energy.
And when your mother calls you nasty names, pause for a second, take a deep breath, and then get your Jewish guilting on. Ask your mother why she wants to hurt your feelings and make you so miserable and you were only trying to make her happy and give her the wedding she's always wanted.
We had a drama director in high school who used to decide bizarre things. What you do is take their requests into account, let it wait a week, then send her an email as per previous suggestions and say, "your idea about the hand-crocheted yarmulkas was so great! thanks for offering to make them!".
I think it's really smart that your FI is not getting in the middle of you and your mother's relationship.
Your mom sounds really mean, and abusive, and no child - NO PERSON - deserves to be spoken to or treated like that. Would you EVER speak to someone you love the way she speaks to you? But as you mention, it definitely sounds like her abuse runs deep into your past, and these wedding related issues stem from something much larger in your relationship. I agree with the advice to "yes" her, and then essentially ignore her. She is totally trying to control things for the sake of control and power, and the only thing you can do is stop reacting to her. No matter what she says to you remain calm and respond with something benign like "what an interesting idea", or "hmm, you make a good point", "ok, i'll have to think about it and get back to you". Whatever you do, don't take her bait. It seems like she gets off on provoking you, so your only choice is to just stop the cycle. Clearly she is totally miserable and negative, otherwise she wouldn't have to treat others the way she does. You can be happy with the knowledge that you and your FI are truly happy, and after this wedding your mother can be (if you want) a minor part of your life, and you have your whole future in front of you. It seems almost like she is competitive with you - could that be the case? If so, any successes you have will make her totally jealous. Good luck!
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My mother and I have never gotten along particularly well, and the wedding is certainly making it worse. She perpetually says things and makes outrageous demands which we accomodate, and then a few months later she forgets she ever said anything, and blames it on us that we are wasting our time doing everything upon which she insisted.
The latest screaming match we've had is over the yarmulkes for our wedding. Sometime in March, my mother called up with the idea that she wanted hand-crocheted yarmulkes for the ceremony. I just happened to have the conversation on speaker phone, so my fiance overheard this, and started making awful faces and waving his hands in the area and mouthing "NO! NO!" over and over again. I told my mother we didn't love the idea and we would just rather order them like everyone else, and she called me a selfish b**** and promply hung up on me. In order to try to be accomodating, we decided that we would do the crocheted yarmulkes, but they had to look nicer than a fuzzy tea cozy plopped on someone's head. I worked out a pattern with a Star of David in it, and they came out looking... acceptable. The thing is, I loathe making them. Each one takes about 3.5 hours, and I need to make roughly 115 of them. At this point, I need to make about 3 per week to finish them in time for the wedding, and I work 80 hours per week in a lab, so basically, I've sacrified eating and socializing to try to get these done. I hate doing them, but we figured it would make my mother happy...
This weekend, I came to town to visit my parents who live a few hours away, and my mother and I engaged in two flat out screaming matches over these yarmulkes. It started when she asked how many I had left to do (approx. 75) and proceeded to call me "stupid and incompetent" for trying to undertake such a huge project. I informed her that it was HER idea and I never wanted to make them, and she blew up at me. I turned to my fiance and asked him to back me up since he overheard the whole conversation -- not to give his opinion on whether it was stupid, or if he liked them, just to say flat out that it was, indeed, my mother's idea. And he sat there and refused to say anything.
This happens all the time with my mother, and my fiance never says anything and lets her get away with it. I understand him not saying anything if it were a matter of opinion and he wouldn't want to favor anyone, but this is an issue of whether or not my mother said something. I am sick and tired of him never defending me, especially when I didn't want to make these from the beginning but my fiance was the one who told me I had to be nice to my mother and do them. I don't know what to do at this point -- I understand he doesn't want to create conflict, but I am really getting to the point where I am really angry at him for letting this happen all the time. I've brought it up to him, and he just shrugs it off and doesn't want to upset my mother. Am I wrong to expect him to, once in a blue moon, when it's actual truth and he knows it, to back me up? Or is he right and I should just sit around and let my mother scream at me and call me stupid and pretend like it was my idea from the beginning? If we don't meet her demands she calls me a selfish b**** repeadly and tells all her friends how awful and miserable I am, but if we do, then they come back and bite me in the tush.
At this point, I can't decide if I'd rather officially break it off with my fiance or my mother! (kidding)