Motherhood: is it really THAT bad?

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 2
Member
3677 posts
Sugar bee

The trick is to navigate a “middle path” between the killjoy “motherhood sucks” camp and the ultra-romanticized “motherhood is the greatest thing ever and a direct path to nirvana+sainthood+yadda yadda the only way for a woman to truly live a fulfilled life” camp.

As with anything, the extremes are exaggerated and the truth is somewhere in the middle: motherhood is wonderful, and HARD, exhilarating and exhausting … you both lose yourself and find yourself an the process of figuring it all out.

Post # 4
Member
1568 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I hate when people make motherhood sound so terrible. Its not and you hit the nail on the head in your second paragraph. Motherhood is the single most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life. The only person who will ever have your entire heart is your child. I enjoy being a mother. You will find a balance and life will throw curveballs but you will hit each of them out of the park

I wake up 5 out of 7 days a week to my 4 year sleeping in between my legs and using my butt as a pillow. Do I find it obnoxious? Yeah. Do I secretly love it? YESS. (why do you think I havent put a stop to it yet). Is my house perfectly clean…Not in the least bit…Does it matter to me? Not really. I know that the reason I havent cleaned our house yet is because me and FI and making memories with our child or working or butts off to pay for those memories.

Some mommies made me feel like absolute crap before I had my son. My ex husband left me in my 8th month of pregnancy (and by leave I mean impregnate another woman and tell me about it the day our son was born..he left 2 months prior) every person in the world told me that I was going to be too stressed and it would be too hard and that I wouldnt be able to do it on my own to the point where I almost put my son up for adoption because I was so scared. My son means the entire world to me and has since the day his little hand gripped by finger. He is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and yes there are going to be hard days where you question why you did it. There are also going to be many more days where you cant wait to do it all over again. Being a mother is the best thing that ever happened to me and for a mother who says different she is obviously not going through a good time. (possibly terrible 2’s those make u question everything :P) so, good luck. Congrats on your baby. It is going to be the craziest, most rewarding ride of your life.

Post # 5
Member
6644 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

KCKnd2:  I agree.

I have a 2.5 year old. While I love being a mother your life does change completely and it is not what it was before having our son. While he is most definately a blessing.  I do miss being able to spur of the moment take off with my DH and say go an hour away to say go to the Casino or weekend get away just the two of us.

 

Now days takes a whole lot more planning and our schedule is buildt around little boy’s schedule for when he eats lunch to nap time to going to bed time.  Babies/toddlers thrieve on having a schedule and throwing them off usually results in not fun for all involved.

 

The best parts are the smiles, the hugs, The I love My Momma sayings he says.  The milestones he reaches.  

You just need to find a middle ground. 

Post # 6
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sometimes when you listen to some of today’s Moms. you would swear nobody had ever done it before. Previous generations of moms didn’t vent every day on a blog about their pregnancy , labor and delivery or raising their child(ren). They just did it,and their lives were a lot harder than ours. They cooked almost all meals from scratch, many also worked outside the home (especially during the war years when women were needed to keep industry running). They didn’t have all the conveniences that we do, yet they managed.

As pp have said, your life will be somewhere in the middle. To be truthful, it will be what you make it. If you need the attention, you will blog about every little thing as if it’s a world class disaster. If you don’t need the attention, you will deal with whatever it is and move on.

Post # 7
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My new pet peeve is people who constantly talk about how terrible parenthood is! I was terrified before I had my baby, and even when she was a newborn I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and it to get terrible but it just.. didn’t. Like any life change, things aren’t the same after (like graduating from school and starting work) and there are upsides and downsides, but it’s not the end of the world that people make it out to be, in my view. Overwhelmingly, our baby has brought us is additional joy and strength in our relationship. With few exceptions (like a seriously ill baby) I think that parenting is what you make it! 

Post # 8
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

Great post. I’m wondering this myself as word on the street seems to be babies are ALL CONSUMING.

Post # 9
Member
7259 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I think if you have help nearby, it will be a lot easier to keep a sense of self and some independence. Our family and friends live across the country from us, so we don’t have any babysitters here. My DH and I just went on our first date since our DD was born 6 months ago because my mom is visiting right now. Things have definitely changed a lot for us after we had our baby. After you have a baby, it’s impossible to have a “selfish” side at all. Everything you do is for the good of your baby. It’s all worth it, but I think everyone should expect that their life will probably change drastically after baby.

Post # 10
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think there is such an unfair cultural taboo (at least in the US) around mothers admitting they have a life outside of their kids. Mothers get judged for having jobs that require them to travel, for wanting to take vacations without their kids, for having girls’ nights out. Fathers never get judged for wanting those things.

At the same time, I do understand why people want to stress the constant work that motherhood requires. You’re basically signing up to raise a creature that will need constant supervision until it’s about six years old. I’m not a mother — and not sure if I want to be one — but I would imagine it would be really easy to lose sight of yourself in the middle of that. But most of my friends who are mothers are still able to find a balance.

Post # 11
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I get it all the time still now that I’m pg with DD #2. Your life does change but you only really lose yourself for the first few weeks while you are adjusting for a new child. You can still go out it jut takes more planning. You can still live for you but with consideration for your chold and natirally you put your chold first without hesitation. You want to do this. You grow, you learn, you love. As with any relationship it takes work, adjustment, and sacrifice but is worth so muh more 

Funny becausr just 30 minutes ago I wrote this to a couple people: “admitting when you have made a mistake when raising your child is one of the hardest things to do. DD started school struggling to keep up with her classmates. Recognizing the problem, taking responsibility, and teaching DD good stuy habits and I’m happy to say she has gotten all As on her progress report impressing her teachers and making me one proud momma!”

Parentig can be hard and forces you to constantly reevaluate yourself. Its hard but as a parent and a human being this has helped shape me into a much better person. She didnt take away my life or my identity, she gave me a new life and an identity I can be muh more proud and thankful for. She is only six and through being her mother she has given me more than I could imagine and so muh more than what I “lost” 

Post # 12
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

the_newlymintedmrs-s17:  I’m under the impression that motherhood is no different than anything else. It will be good if you make it good and bad if you let it be bad. I don’t think it can be described as easy but I don’t think it should be described as terrible or perfect. In a Me-obsessed culture it isn’t surprising that everyone expects life to fall under the extreme. 

You have realistic expectations so I don’t think you will be in for a shock. Just stay positive and keep those happy vibes flowing! 

Post # 13
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

I think if you’re a whiney, unhappy, glass half empty kind of person before being a Mom, having a child may just change your life for the better. I was kind of stunned when someone told me I was much nicer since having my daughter (kind of an ego crusher), but many people see other things in you about which you may be unaware.

Having children brought out in me my inner child, and made me see and appreciate many things around me that had become rather mundane. Kids have an innocence about them that is just so wonderful to experience, and their curiosity about everything is so much fun to see. Its an honor to be able to help shape another human being into becoming an accomplished and well-rounded adult.

Do things change? Sure, but doesn’t everything at some point? There’s nothing wrong with accepting that what comes along with parenting will be challenging at times, but it certainly doesn’t mean its the end of your life as you know it. I’d hate to have my life be the same forever and would be bored beyond tears. Did I give up certain things while my kids were growing up? I guess I did, but they must have been unimportant since I can’t even remember any of them.

I think you may surprise yourself and everyone around you as you undertake this new journey. Enjoy it!

Post # 14
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

While I agree that parenthood is one of the most challenging things you’ll ever do in life, I do think the misery is over exagerrated.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was so prepared for no time to shower, no time for sex, exhaustion, etc. ….I was shocked when I actually found the first year of motherhood pretty darn easy. Now mind you, I didn’t have a colicy baby, which I think makes a huge difference.

Now that my daughter is two and a half, things are getting more challenging, but not that bad. It’s harder to go places, harder to find time to do the old hobbies I used to do, and a lot of my life does revolve around what type of mood my child is in..lol

It is the most fufilling thing I have ever done in my life. Challenging, yes, but challenging does not equal misery in my mind, that is what makes this all worth while (and that is coming from somone who NEVER thought they wanted kids). I really enjoying doing stuff with and for my daughter.

As for having my sex life disappear– if you put effort into it, it’s not going anywhere. DH and I make and find time. Sometimes I may not initially be “in the mood” but I put in the effort to get over that, and never regret doing so.

My house is clean, but when friends come over and there are a few toys scattered around, I don’t care. lol

I will say, with baby number two on the way, I am terrified, more than I was with number 1. I am totally accepting that my life is going to be less of my own time for many, many years. It’s completly different managing 2 small kids vs. 1. Pray for me 🙂

I truly think how you percieve parenthood is going to be similar to how you percieve life. I went into motherhood excited, enthusiastic and ready to do everything I had to. I was ready to face challenges and not give myself a hard time when I failed or when things got tough. If you’re somone who cannot adjust to change well or has a hard time adapting, you may have a different perspective on how parenting is.

 

Post # 15
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t have any kids either, but I think in general people are dramatic and try to make it seem like their lives are hard. I have a PhD, and the things people say about graduate school are just ridiculous. You’ll never have time to exercise, read books, date, etc, and it’s all BS. I ran 7 marathons, was always reading for pleasure, and met and married my husband while finishing my PhD in 5 years, and it was really not that hard. 

Obviously having a baby is harder in different ways, but I wouldn’t expect our lives to be over after we have kids.

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