Post # 1
Mother’s day is around the corner and we have the issue of crap now what! His sister who has been married for the past six years and been hosting a duel mother’s day for her mom and her mother in long for "as long as we can remeber" since somepoint in their engagment has invited me to take part since well his mom will be my mother in law. That’s great and all but what about my mom. We all live locally so distance and time isn’t an issue yet. All my mom wants is her kids to come over for a nice littel brunch… which well just so happens to be around the same time as when the mom’s day thing at FSIL is starting up. so what to do? Send the future hubby to his mom’s first and meet up with him? make it all dramatic and have him come with me to my mom’s little brunch? How do we dealw ith this now… how do we deal with this when we are married. and futher along when we have little ones of our own?
and what about the other holidays? how are you juggling the whole first few years of well it’s thanksgiving here and chrismtas there and swtich. how do you decided whose house to go to the first year of it all?
I guess boundries are becoming an issue. His side is more demanding and plans each holiday no matter how small weeks in advance were as my family is spur of the moment. so i have been getting caught with okaying something early one but conflicts later arrise. I dont’ want my family to feel left out but more over I want to feel that in the future we can have an us holiday and not have to rely on "well that’s how it use to be."
Post # 3
My FI and I only have to worry about the major holiday (Tgiving and Christmas) because his parents live far away. But here’s what we do.
The first year we flipped a coin and the winner chose which holiday we would spend with their family. Every year thereafter we would alternate. So our first year Thanksgiving was with his parents and Christmas was with mine. This year, we switched.
Flip a coin and pick who’s family gets brunch with you as a couple. The other family gets dinner. Next year you’ll switch!
Best to establish this game of chance early because it will only be worse with other holidays. I wouldn’t split up and each go with your own families, because it sets a bad precident for future events. You’re a couple and when you’re married it will be your shared family- not his and hers.
Post # 4
ugh, we’re not sure how to deal with this either… we live 30 minutes from his family and 6 hours from mine… his family gets together for every holiday (down to st. patrick’s day!) and birthday and anniversary, and i’ve loved that in the past because i’ve been so far from my family, and only able to go home for thanksgiving/christmas/easter. now that we’re married… i’m not sure how we’re going to split it! probably my family for whatever holiday my entire side gets together, and his family for everything else.
Post # 5
This is a problem for me too! My family is about two hours away (without the ridiculous holiday traffic), his is only about 20 minutes.
What makes it even worse though is that I really dislike going to his family functions. My family is very large and laid back, and we usually have a great time and a ton of good food when we go there. The atmosphere at my FI’s house is the exact opposite… When I am there I am usually thinking about all of the fun I am missing out on. I better get over that soon!
Post # 6
My aunt and uncle just alternate. For example: one year they do Thanksgiving at his parents’ and the next year it is at her’s. Has worked for years. We don’t really have that problem here because both of his parent’s are deceased.
Post # 7
Man we’re going through that now… Can’t imagine what it would be like when we start our own little family and have little ones.
FutureMrs: I’m with you on this one. At his family’s get together everybody dishes up the mini snacks (always cheese and crackers, chips and dip, veggie dips, etc.) and crowds around the tv. Nobody really interact with eachother. Everytime we go over to my parents there’s LOTS of great food, their neighbors and friends come over and we just have a blast. Nobody’s ever sitting around the TV and not talking. The radio’s on but everybody’s mingling and that’s what I love. Bonus my parents always send us home with left overs the next day (we usually spend the night)and great little dog treats and toys for their granddoggies… LOL I NEVER mention that I don’t care to go to his side of the family’s party… big no-no.. but he always ask me when are we going to visit my parents b/c he has so much fun there.
Post # 8
Even if his family really is no fun, you can’t just refuse to ever go – until you have kids, that is. After that you get to stay home and have your own holidays, and anybody who wants to participate has to come see you. I’m with rosychicklet – for the major holidays, if both families want you to be there, go ahead and flip a coin. Pick one family this year, the other the next. The family who gets Thanksgiving doesn’t get Christmas, and so on. For Easter we had his folks come down and spend Palm Sunday with us, and then had dinner with my family on Easter.
For Mother’s Day, you have several choices. You can try to get one family or the other to do a meal other than brunch. You can take your mom (or his mom) our for a nice dinner, instead of brunch. You can do one brunch on Saturday and one on Sunday. You can even say to one mom "Let’s celebrate a weekend early this year." It’s really no harder than you make it. There’s nothing that special about the day – your mom (or his mom) should be happy to spend some time with the two of you even if it happens separately from the big gathering. If sisters and SILs are too demanding, the easiest thing may be to opt out of both brunches – take both moms to dinner together, that night or a completely different night.
It is important to remember that you and your husband become the primary family unit – so I agree that splitting up to spend separate holidays with your separate families is not a good idea. You do get to start your own traditions now. It’s nice that SIL has her own little thing going, but that doesn’t automatically mean that you have no choice but to play.
Post # 9
And from someone who’s parents and FILs both live a plane ride away, remember to be thankful for having family so close by! While I am sure it is annoying sometimes, I wish I had this kind of problem.
My only advice is for your FI to talk this through and come up with a plan – like alternating. And then let him let his family know of the change in plans now that you are getting married. My brother’s wife insisted that her family get Thanksgiving since that is the only time they get together, and despite our family always getting together too, my brother stopped coming. It was an adjustment for us, but they have made sure to spend another holiday with us every year, so it works out.
Post # 10
Strandedinspace- What are your FH idea on this? Thats where I’d start……..
We will be living pretty far away from both of our families, so when we come down for holidays, it will be necessary to see both families. They currently live about 3 hours apart.
One Thanksgiving, we did his family dinner at noon, hung out for a few hours, then hit the road to go spend the evening with my family. We got to my parents house about 6pm and we had dinner again. We were exhausted but got to see everyone.
I suspect we will continue to do something very similiar for our future.
as for you, i think it would be good to alternate holidays. and let your mom know how early his family plans stuff. Perhaps this will prod her to set big things up ahead in advance and you can commit to them before you both make commitments to his family for everything.
Post # 11
My parents are deceased but my family still invites us for get togethers on holidays. Both of our families are local and we simply make plans in advance and attend both.
Christmas brunch with my family, dinner with his. Thanksgiving brunch with his, dinner with mine, etc.
It works out very well for us, and our familes are more than willing to accomodate. Actually, more and more we’ve just been combining families into one big party.
Post # 12
In the past we have spent T-Day with my family, Christmas with his and New Years with mine. My famioly lives 4 hours away. We are talkign about Christmas with my family this year. Because I live so far I never get to see my cousins and my youngest brother is only 8 so Christmas is still a ton of fun in the mornings. (Plus we never have snow for Christmas here and they always have snow – I miss that a lot.) We usually go up the first weekend in May because my Mom does taxes and Easter and my brother’s birthday (April 14th) are sort of celebrated then.
My suggestion for current situation for Mother’s Day is to spend it with your Mom. Especially now that she is sharing you with another Mom it is important to ensure that she nows how important she is to you. If the distance isn’t great, perhaps your husband can go with you to your parents and then go on to his sister’s and then you can follow after you have brunch with your mom. this way you both spend most of your individual time with your respective mothers but still see and honer the in law.
Or maybe you can talk to your SIL about starting her event later or maybe make it dinner instead. Address it now while plans are still being made.
Post # 13
The trick is to make the families invite each other over! That way you get both sets of parents in one meal. It is horrible to try and eat two meals– someone is getting the short end of the stick. It may be you who has to invite them all over to your house if they are unwilling.
Post # 14
We see his parents all the time (they only live 30 minutes away) and we spend Thanksgiving with them, so we spend Christmas with my family. It’s the only time of year they get to see FI (and one of the few times they see me). Christmas isn’t a huge deal for his family, anyway, but at my folks’ place there’s a huge to-do. I kind of put my foot down on this one: I’ll spend any holiday anywhere, but I’m spending Christmas at home (til we have kids, at which point we’re staying in our own house and people can come to us).
Post # 15
It could be worse… I have 3 sets of families to deal with–mine, his mom (and step-dad), and his dad (and step-mom). Sometimes it’s a total nightmare–can we say "Three Thanksgiving dinners"?! You just have to figure out how to split time fairly. i.e. head to your mom’s first, leave a little bit early, then head to his mom’s, or the reverse. Don’t let one family or the other monopolize your time or make unfair demands. They need to be understanding of you situation too. 🙂
Post # 16
Sharing the holidays works out all fine and great, until the kidos come along. Then you want to start your own family traditions, cooking a turkey, opening christmas gifts in the morning at home. Of course you could still travel, but it leaves a lot less time, and every holiday is really a rush.
I have stopped attending thanksgiving. We have thanksgiving at home, I love to cook, and my parents take turns going to each of my brothers and sisters houses to eat.