Post # 1
My FI and I are getting married March 2015. When we 1st got engaged last December several of my friends quoted horror stories about mothers (of the bride and the groom equally) getting a little bit crazy in the run up to the wedding and warned me to brace myself. I have a relatively solid relationship with my own mother and have always thought of my FMIL as one of the nicest people you could ever meet, so I laughed it off saying I was lucky and didn’t think I would have any problems.
Fortunately my own mother, though quite traditional and slightly bemused at the outset by some of our ideas has pretty much taken everything in her stride and is being fantastic, completely supportive without trying to take over.
My FMIL has been more problematic and its completely blindsided both myself and my FI as its totally out of character. Shes a lovely lady, usually incredibly thoughtful, kind and considerate but since the engagement we’ve become very familiar with the ‘disapproving face’; we had it for the venue (too far), for the cake (too modern) and even for my dress (too short (its tea length)), she doesn’t actually say anything unless prompted (which we’ve learnt now to stop doing) you just get the sense shes a little disappointed. Then we’ve had the interference from repeated hints that it would be lovely if my future niece be a flower girl (a pressure quickly bowed too as we don’t really mind if it keeps people happy and to be fair the girl is about as cute as its possible to be), followed by hints that my FSIL act as toastmaster (not bowed to as its a small venue and we don’t need one) then some slighlty bizarre obsession with having a chocolate fountain (which our venue wont allow). I could go on and on up to and including last night when she announced she’d invited one of her friends (whos invited to the wedding) to stay in the private accomodation weve secured for immediate family and wedding party. Theres no spare beds but apparently thats not a problem as my FMIL will sort out an air bed for her friend…
So the point of my post is this, has anyone else experienced a usually lovely mother / FMIL (or other family member for that matter) getting a little bit crazy in the run up to the wedding? If so how did you manage the situation? We really don’t want to hurt her feelings but it seems to be escalating and we still have 6 months to go…. (Point of reference as I know some people will ask, she isn’t making any financial contribution to the wedding)
Post # 2
I think that mothers, just like brides, have a certain vision of how their child’s wedding will be, and it’s hard for them to fathom their vision doesn’t align with yours (ie, your fmil probably always pictured his son’s bride in a long dress). My mom has gone crazy over the cake-my fiance wants cupcakes but my mom thinks that is unseemly, even though I said we’ll have a small cake to cut, and will not let it go.
I don’t have any tips since I’m just starting to encounter it myself, but you are definitely not alone!
Post # 3
Steph77: I’m fortunate that my mom and FMIL have been extremely hands off and to the point where my mother felt like she wasn’t a big part of the wedding and was sad about it. It’s been nice to be able for FH and I to make our own decisions without good intentioned people muddying the waters.
If your mom is being nutty, I would have a direct conversation with her. She might be anxious and emotional so a chat could very well help you both.
Post # 4
My mom has been hands on, but that’s because I want her to be. She’s been helping along the way…I am not one of those women who dreamed of their wedding forever so the help is welcomed. His mom hasn’t had anything to say other than his father and her will be coming. I think she is just pleased that he is getting married and she will be allowed to see it, as his sister eloped without telling anyone.
Post # 5
Steph77: I think its worse if its the first wedding. this is the third big wedding for my immediate family in 2 years so I think that helped with my mom.
My mom has been really chill and happy to help me with what I need but my parents are usually very good about offering their opinions only when asked. My MIL is extremely uninvolved lol, IDK if she will freak out. We havent even seen them lately which is kinda weird cause we usually see them quite a bit.
Post # 6
My mother has been too calm. She doesn’t care about anything and has left everything up to me. And by everything I mean I had to book her hairstylist and makeup because she cannot function without me. I’m going to have my mother in tow all day on my wedding day and to be honest…. I was hoping for some quiet time before the storm hits (even if it is just driving myself back from the hair salon. All alone and in silence….. but NOPE!)
My FMIL has been freaking awesome. She’s nervous, she’s anxious, but boy can she handle her own….. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her. This woman is remarkably good at multitasking.
Post # 7
I hope my mom doesn’t go to crazy! my sister and I got engaged within 4 days of each other. Our weddings will be about 6 months apart though, so hopefully that will help with my mom and her craziness.
Post # 8
pumilionis: You said it exactly!
I am very sure that my mother had a vision of how she saw at least one of her daughters get married, and since we’re not doing what she envisioned… she was very hurt right away.
Example – We’re having our ceremony outside at a local park in their Gazebo, and it’s just family – 40ish people. She was upset that we wouldn’t get an overhead shot of the wedding going in the church, and that not everyone would be invited to witness the ceremony.
I have kept her involved, but she was WAY too much at the start and got on my nerves… so I vented my frustration right away and probably ruined the whole process, but it’s gotten better. I’ve included her with what I want, and left her out of things that I just want to deal with. Sometimes she goes along with ideas, and others she just has to accept that it’s the wedding I’ve envisioned that I want… and not what she has envisioned.
Post # 9
Both my mom and MIL had the exact same freak out on our wedding day, that people would be late. I told people to be there by 11:00 for lunch and 12:00 photos to allow late time. I had communicated this multiple times with my mom that I wouldn’t have to be fully ready until noon. She called me at the hair stylist at 10:15 wondering where I was. I was waiting for the last two bridesmaids to get their hair done. It was the exact oposite of a big deal, but she freaked. I was ready, including having to rebutton my dress because the first time we found we skipped a loop at the bottom, by 11:50.
Due to MIL’s freak out, though, FIL forgot DH at the hotel. He got there, he had our car which we planned to leave at the reception because it would make everything easier for us. BIL and FIL had to run back to the reception with the car, which made them almost late for the wedding. The funny thing is, getting to the church by 11:00 was designed due to FIL being notorious for running late.
Post # 10
FMIL has been so wonderful and helpful to me. She asks about the wedding without being judgey/intrusive.. my own mother has been somewhat of a nightmare. She’s judged everything we’ve done and not because she thinks we deserve better, but because she thinks we should have had a backyard wedding with kfc catering [i’m not joking, she literally said this], because that’s what was “good enough for her”. We’ve gotten little help from either family [about $300 from FMIL, and my mother purchased some beer & wine after FMIL helped us out a little] of our $17k wedding.