- 6 years ago
- Wedding: January 2014
I don’t know how to feel but for months I’ve felt only numbness. It’s been easier to sweep emotion under the rug and focus on happy things, like wedding planning. But then looking ahead to my big day, there is a sadness that pinches at it.
My father walked out on my mother and our family on August 16th last year. I found out the next day, which also happened to be my 30th birthday (talk about sensativity). Since then, he has made absolutely no attempt to speak to either my brother or I about his decision (and frankly, I do not feel it’s my “job” to seek answers being the “child” in this tale). I have found out he has embezzled a substantial amount of money over the years, leaving my stay-at-home mom financially ruined and heading back to work when all her peers are retireing. He also is moving plain across the country at the end of this month (a fact that’s been relayed only via my father’s lawyer to my mother’s lawyer). The reason? He’s taking his money and running off to recapture some semblance of youth with a highschool crush. This woman has been a thorn in our families side for a couple of years, initially coming on the scene to ask my dad to his 25th school reunion. Well, he didn’t go to that, but rather snuck off to be with her several years back during a “fake” trip to visit me (I was living inVancouver at the time, she was/still is in Kelowna). When I found out he’d lied to my mom about visiting me, I put two and two together and confronted him. I told him it was his life but if he ever left my mom to be with this trollop I’d never speak with him again. I never imagined that would become a reality two years later. My dad and I were close up til this, but let me clearify, we didn’t have one of those stereo-typical Father-daughter relationships. I am by no means a daddy’s little girl and realistically I can look back and there aren’t a lot of “special” moments of which to speak. We just sorta hung out like “hey…what’s up?” That said, he’s my dad and although I’ve had to go through the greiving process, I still miss him.
That said and even though our wedding is still a long way off, I know in my heart of hearts I do not want this man to ruin the day. We are having a destination wedding and frankly I couldn’t deal with seeing him for a day let alone a week right now I also know that he’d want to bring “her”, and even if I said absolutely not, he’s sneaky enough to bring her along anyway. People keep telling me things might change, but I’m still so hurt that he’s not once reached out to me that I don’t think it ever could. It’s like he divorced me along with my mother, leaving my FI, brother and I with the responsibility of caring for my mother both mentally and mostly financially. I’m 30 yet feel like I’m 10 sometimes.
So, where I have trouble is when I sit back and start viewing that wedding you envision of at that age of 10 and Disney’s gotten hold of you. Even though it’s not my current idea of a wedding, I still envision my dad walking me down the aisle of a quaint church and dancing the father-daughter dance with me in my poofy caketopper dress. Not reality…but still hard to swallow. Of course listening to country music and watching father heavy episodes of “Say yes to the dress” isn’t helping matters. Nor does not even knowing if my dear ol’ dad even knows I’m engaged. I think it would hurt too much to know for sure “yes” and still not have at least had a note of congratulations.
Thank god, my brother’s already stepped up and offered to give me away. I’ve also asked my uncle to dance that first dance and he is equally supportive. All in all, FI and I are still very much excited and optimistic towards how our day is shaping up. FI came from a broken family so his take is supportive but to the “you’ll get over it” ilk. Thank-you for listening, I just needed to address this pain I have to move forward and for me, soundboards are therapeutic.