- 4 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
I apologize for the length of this, but it’s really been weighing on me lately and I feel the need to do some emotional purging to a group of strangers 🙂
So I got engaged in June 2011 to a guy I’d been with for almost 5 years at that point. We set a wedding date for October 6, 2012 and I threw myself into wedding planning. I incorporated his wishes everywhere possible, but he didn’t offer up a lot. He had wanted a DIY wedding but when it came down to it, didn’t actually want to do anything, so I did it ALL myself, with the help of friends and family. I handmade hundreds of rolled paper roses for the centerpieces, hand-embroidered felted wool flowers for the bouquets (with buttons and beads given to me from the women I love most in the world), etc etc. The colors, style, food, guest list, everything was my dream come true.
In August 2012, he had sort of a breakdown and asked if we could cancel the wedding but stay engaged for an indeterminate amount of time. I said no. At this point we’d been together 6 weeks shy of 6 years and I knew that if we just went back to “normal” he’d never marry me. Plus I knew I’d resent him for it forever. Our invitations had already been sent out, RSVPs recieved, wedding gifts arrived, plane tickets booked. I’d had my bridal shower the week before. So I gave him three weeks (Until Labor Day) to decide if he wanted to be with me or not, as I’d need at least a month to cancel everything if need be. I stopped all wedding planning and let him do his “soul searching”. Didn’t bug or pressure him; hid all the wedding stuff in the spare room. I should add that about two years prior he had a freak out where he didn’t know if he wanted to be in a serious relationship. He left for about four days then and came back and we went to counseling. I should have learned my lesson at that point, but hindsight blah blah blah.
Two days before the “deadline”, he came home early from work (which NEVER happened) to spend the evening with me. We had a wonderful time and he told me he wanted to be with me and wanted to get married. We talked about some of his feelings about the wedding and discussed ways to make it more comfortable for him. I was so happy. So I went to bed and he said he was going to the lake to think, which is something he did often. No biggie.
In the morning I got up for work and something in my head said “check his phone”. Which I never do and isn’t my style at all. But the voice was persistent and I decided to check as a type of reassurance that everything was okay. Instead I found texts from the night before, after I went to sleep, between him and a girl, in which she told him that she wanted him deep inside of her and he called her one of my pet names. I woke his ass up, told him it was over, called all of his family to tell them what he’d done, and cancelled the wedding…35 days before I was supposed to get married.
There’s a lot more to this story, including a lot of lying on his part after the fact (both about the nature of his affair and about a significant alcohol problem he had hidden from me) but that’s not the point of this post. In fact, he and I talk frequently and are both in new relationships that seem to be way better for us than our relationship together (actually his relationship is terrible for him, but I think he likes it more). The point of the post is that I’ve been able to really process through all of the lying and cheating and stuff, but I cannot seem to get over the wedding.
I know it’s not even been a year, but it’s really distressing to me. I started a new relationshp quickly after my engagement ended (no judgement, please) and we have talked about marriage. And every time we do, I end up talking about the things I had wanted for “my first wedding” and the things I am sad about not ever getting to have. I feel like my family won’t come out if I get married again, as many of them got stuck with non-refundable plane tickets. One or both of my grandmas probably won’t even be alive by that point. The felted wool flower bouquets I coveted for YEARS, well, it’s not like I’m gonna re-use them. I feel like I got totally screwed out of the wedding I’d always dreamed of and that if I do get married in the future, that people won’t be as excited and that I should just have 20 people in a backyard like a 2nd wedding.
And yes, I’ve talked to my family, friends, current boyfriend and my therapist about this. They all say that it will take time and then when I do actually get married, it will be wonderful. But none of that is comforting for me. I used to love wedding shows and I can’t even watch them.
I don’t even know what the point of this post is, but it was cathartic to write. Maybe advice? Commiseration? Words of love?