Post # 1
Hi bees! Soon-to-be Marine Corps wife here. We are in the process of figuring out our living arrangements and I could use some advice.
Mr. Carmine and I are discussing the possibility of me not making a permanent move right after we marry. The reason for that is he is stationed in a relatively remote location with few civillian job opportunities and no close friends or family. Within a few months of our marriage, he will be deploying and then returning only to PCS, so his current duty station won’t be our home for long anyway. It may make sense to work on my career while I can and join him when he PCSes.
I resented the thought at first of dropping my NYC lifestyle to rot in the middle of nowhere, but isn’t that what I’m signing up for? As the wedding date draws nearer I’m starting to change my mind. Maybe I should quit everything and go. Is this an issue of supporting my mate versus being too logical?
Post # 3
It’s one of those questions only you can answer.
What does he want you to do?
If you’re going to move there for a couple months and then move back, of course staying put is logical, but I don’t think anyone would blame you for being with your FI for those couple months.
On the other side of the coin, it might simply be easier to stay put instead of moving twice, especially if he’s not even going to be there! You’ll be alone in a strange place with no friends or family. Of course, that’s military life – but no need to subject yourself to it unnecessarily. At this point it might make sense to just stay put until he’s settled. October isn’t that far away!
Again, no one would blame you for moving, but it’s a decision only you and your FI can make.
Post # 4
I’m located in DC and I’m PSCing to Lejeune. It’ll be a rough adjustment. But it would be rougher not going with him.
That being said, your situation is kind of different. I’d probably stay put. But really, I don’t know.
Post # 5
I would stay put for now until he comes back and PCS’s again. There’s honestly not much point in you going, only to be alone, then move again if that’s what you know is going to happen.
We did the same thing this year while he was in school, and don’t regret it at all. Sure, you “signed up” for the lifestyle, but you also have the ability to forge your own path if that’s what seems best for you guys. We know a couple who have never lived together. She goes and sees him after he comes home, and telecommutes while she visits. Then, when he gets busy with work, she goes home. It works for them! 🙂
Post # 6
I wouldn’t move somewhere if he is going to end up deploying right after the move. Even if you don’t need to be employed because he is making enough, staying where you have a good support system while he deploys is a must.
Post # 7
I would stay where you are until he comes back home and PCS’s. Right now we’re not sure when my husband is getting deployed- he graduates USMC bootcamp Friday (!!!!!!) and then 2 months at SOI, then he’ll get placed in the fleet, and then we’ll figure out the deployment schedule. The plan is that if he’s going to be somewhere for at least 6 months before getting deployed, I’ll move with him. If he’s going to be there any less than that, I think it would be really really hard on me to move somewhere I don’t know anyone or anything while he’s away. In that case, I will stay at school where I am now. But if he’s going to be there long enough for us to get established, I’m going.
It’s a really hard decision, and I know where you’re coming from. But if I were in your situation I would stay, especially if you already have a lot going for you where you’re at now. You’ll need those distractions while he’s deployed!
Post # 8
It is ultimately your call, but I’d stay put for the time being until he gets to his more permanent station. I moved right before my DH deployed, and it was ROUGH not having him around on top of having no family, no job yet, and no friends in the area. It puts a huge strain on things your ability to adapt to both marriage and your new lifestyle all at once. Just my thoughts!
Post # 9
Most likely his deployment is only 6 months – I would move. Why spend more time apart than you have to. Will you regret having those extra few months in your career? Or will you later regret not having those few months with you husband?
Do what ever feels right to you. But there is no reason to be seperated if you don’t have to. As I am sure you know, loving someone in the military has a lot you miss out on so I try not to add to it. Yes, it sucks when I think about all the “I use to…” but really what matters is what I have and that is the love of your life coming home to you and then you can PCS together.
Post # 10
Wow thanks for all the thoughtful advice!
@thursdayschild: He says the decision is entirely mine and he supports whatever I choose to do. Which is very kind and thoughtful but doesn’t make it any easier for me to decide! October isn’t crazy far, but his PCS date seems to be, which won’t be til Oct/Nov of 2013.
@OrigamiLove: Ah DC! Love it there! So you’re kinda a city girl moving to nowhere like me too hehe! “It’ll be a rough adjustment. But it would be rougher not going with him.” That’s what I’m wondering too.
@subbywife11: “There’s honestly not much point in you going, only to be alone, then move again if that’s what you know is going to happen.” This is what I thought at first. Then I started to think maybe I need the experience now, before we have kids and it gets more complicated with them, since I know he is set in this as a career. Then while I’m trying to juggle a family and this comes up again, it won’t be my first time at the rodeo.
@MrsSaltWaterTaffy: “…staying where you have a good support system while he deploys is a must.” This is the biggest piece of advice I’ve gotten from multiple sources so I think you’re right that I should figure that out. My question is, what qualifies as a support system? As it is most of my family is about 4 hours away in a different state. My very best friends are located halfway across the country and we communicate through phone and facebook anyway. I’m relatively new to New York so I don’t have a lot of roots down yet. Shouldn’t my network be trying to form ties with the milspouse community?
@Miss Fish: Congrats on your hubby’s graduation! Yeah sounds like we’re in the same boat! I just wish I knew where we are PCSing to–it might help me make a decision but of course it seems you never find out these things til the last minute!
@mrs_pugetsound: I just finished reading the book Confessions of a Military Wife and the author started out the same way as you. Ironically enough, reading about her hardship is what made me consider moving! I think there is something to be said about making that kind of sacrifice and commitment right off the bat. It also feels more “just” in a way, like he’s getting deployed so I should be “roughing it out on the nowhere base” lol (idk!).
@MrsKeAloha: You exactly nailed all the feelings I was having about moving sooner. Even if I was doing something amazing career-wise, will I have regrets?
Post # 11
That’s a tough one. I’d want to be with him so bad, that I might end up feeling restless staying put, especially knowing he was going to deploy soon, and I would have limited opprotunity to see him. I say this because I am 3 weeks away from leaving my job and life here in FL and moving to WY to be with FI at which point I will have no job, friends , or family. We are PCSing to Colorado in July and then I will look for employment. This whole time we have been seperated ( a year) I have grown weary of life here in FL. I hate it. I want to be with him, even if it’s in the middle of nowhere.
Is there any way you can take a long vacation/leave from work and spend a good chunk of time with him, and then return to NYC to work until he returns from deployment?
Post # 12
@AirForceWife78: Ah so you’re in a similar situation as well! Yes I know what you mean, being weary of the distance. He and I have been apart for quite a while and I’m ready for that part to be over. I love NYC but I’ve started to feel differently since I got engaged, I think because my priorities have changed.
I’m very lucky that my job is allowing me 2 months leave to be with him after we get married, but I’m not sure yet if accepting it to come back is the right path.
Post # 13
@Miss Carmine: The two months is great! Yea! But seriously – Do what feels right for you and your Love. When my guy came back from a 15 month deployment – I wasn’t moved and it was the longest – Longest few weeks Ever!! before I got moved to Hawaii. I hated it, it was horrible being apart when we didn’t have to. Plus, it can be easier for him to come home to a Home rather than the stresses of setting a home up. But again, it is up to you. You do know that they will help you find a job and you can meet up with the Family Readiness Group. I don’t attend but that because I am not a Hoorah girl – I love all the fabulous things they do I’m just a bit quiet about stuff, and like to volunteer with the community instead. My other suggestion is don’t forget to leave Base. Don’t get stuck there – learn about the area you live in, get involved in the local community. Meet people outside of military life. It keeps things real. My fiance says “this name will go but this one will always be there” What he means is US Army name on his uniform will come off when he leaves but he will always be who he is. So don’t forget, enjoy the adventures. So far its been wonderful for us, stressful at times. Lonely sometimes and a whole new world for me – but isn’t that what everyones life is like? Good luck to you.
Hope I didn’t drag on too much