- 2 years ago
About three months ago I made this post (I feel broken).
Since then things have been so very up and down between my partner and I and two days ago, I left to come and stay with a friend. This was after a terrible argument (he was drunk and said things I know he is deeply ashamed of – I’m not making excuses for him there – I know how ashamed he is and I think it happened because he’s been so stressed that he lost it a bit). Even though I knew it wasn’t meant, for me it felt like something inside me broke. I told him I couldn’t do this anymore and that I was leving, but it was 5am and he asked mde to stay until the morning and not drive as I hadn’t slept. I promised I wouldn’t leave before sleeping and we both went to bed – separately. In the morning when he woke up he was immediately apologetic and wanted to hold me. I told him that my things were packed and in the car – and he broke down completely. It was the hardest thing to see – the man I love with all my heart broken in front of me. He was crying and begging me not to go, said he would do anything – go to counselling, that maybe he needs to stop waiting for everything to be perfect before we move forward, that he cannot lose me, that he loves me. He said that I have the purest heart he has ever known and that he waited his whole life to meet me and that he cannot lose me. He begged me not to go for good and I told him that I was confised and hurting but that we cannot carry on like this because we are destroying each other. He’d always previously said that he didnlt believe in taking breaks and that to him, if it came to that, it would damage the relationship – so I told him that I had to leave for good because of that and he said that maybe he was wrong and that if it is a choice between a break for now or for good, he’ll deal with the break. He offered to move out for awhile – but it is his house – so I said I would rather go myself. So here I am, at a friends place.
I am so confused about what to do. I wrote him a really long email explaining how I was feeling (and don’t get me wrong – I’m no angel – I recently had to confess that I’ve got back into debt after he helped me get out of debt, I’ve been strugglking with being depressed and having been off work with stress and anxiety, I’ve been making it hard at home because I’ve been so low, I’ve gained weight and stopped going to the gym (I was big when we met, lost 5 stone and have put it back on and that makes me unhappy but I have let it happen again) and I’ve not been good at making things positive at hom – because I’ve been feeling so negative. I’m convinced in my heart that I’ve been like this because of how I feel about being the age I am, the fact that he won’t allow me to own the house with him (even though I am in debt, I do have a fairly large amount of money that is the money from when I sold my house and which I have offered to pay off his mortgage right away), that he hasn’t proposed and the fact that we are not even trying for a baby. My life feels so far away from what I’ve always wanted and it feels like I’m not dealing with it well. But because I am not dealing with it well, I’m making things worse and pushing him further away.
I know that it has taken both of us to arrive at this point, and I need to take time to work out whether I can go home, knowing that marriage and children and even home ownership is not on the cards anytime soon, and not keep making thigs hard because of my hurt and the way it makes me act and feel. I can’t go home unless I know I can be what I, and we need me to be to not end up completly destroying each others lives. I need to be able to know that if I go home, knowing that he isn’t ready to move forward, whether I can relax and let it all go and go back to being the lovely girl he once had. It’s my birthday on Wednesday and he booked tickets for us to do something on Thursday. I don’t know what to do – whether to go home, to see him for my birthday and do what he’s planned, whether to stay away, should I go and see him but then not stay? – my head is all over the place about it.
I guess I am posting because I don’t know what to do. We love each other – we really do. I cannot imagine not being with him, and not becuse I’m scared to start again (which, of course, at my age, I am) but because I want hime and love him. I am terrified of making the wrong choice and would love to hear from other bees who have been through something similar.