- 7 years ago
- Wedding: October 2012
So. This is sort of an LD/waiting cross-post in spirit. I’m not really sure where to post it in fact!
I’ve been in an LDR for about 3 years. It began long-distance – we met online – and a few months later we met in person and have spending all my school vacations together, including me getting an internship in his city last summer. We’ve spent 7 or 8 months living together total, as well as doing the long distance dance, gtalk phone calls every single day, weekends together, you name it. We’ve been best friends and inseparable despite the distance.
He is 30 and I am 23. I will be graduating with my bachelors (with a few stray credits to finish up later) this spring. We are committed, and have been very serious in planning for the future specifically, agree on all major points except one, etc. We’ve spent time with each other’s families. We have literally mountains of shared interests. He says I’m the only one for him, ever, and I’ve felt that way about him.
Now, the ick. I’ve been planning to move to his state after I graduate and set up my business in his city. From previous, purposely-vague conversations, I kind of thought we would be engaged by now. My family is religious, and while I’m not very, I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to live with anyone who is not certainly my future husband. And while it’s so hard to be apart, I don’t want to uproot and move 900 miles for ‘just a boyfriend’ either.
So as the potential moving date inched ever closer, I began bring up marriage a bit more specifically then before (and in a bit more of an emotionally-charged way than needed, perhaps). He was apparently blindsided and listed many, many reasons not to be thinking about marriage right now. After some very painful conversations, he said ‘probably a year or two after we moved in together’ and, I think, feels resentful toward me for ‘ruining’ what he thinks should have been a mysterious, romantic event. So what can I do?
Option 1: Sniffle about rings and lifelong commitment and sound like a two-year-old.
Option 2: Don’t move in. Stay where I am, finish my credits here, start my business here, continue an already ridiculously long LDR and rack up more travel expenses and loneliness. Possibly move to my own apartment and lose my money towards my future wedding and house that way. Possibly prolong BF’s feelings of not having spent enough time together to move forward with the relationship.
Option 3: Move in, wait for ring, set up business in a place I don’t plan on leaving as soon as I can, finish my credits at the local community college, split expenses to pay down debt and save for a shared future. Alienate family and betray own beliefs to a certain extent, but probably be overall happier than other options.
Option 4: Leave the relationship, it was great, wonderful, could have been perfect but the timing was off.
Option 1 is, of course, out. Option 2 works according to common wisdom about ‘getting a man to commit’ and ‘what my mother says’. But I can’t help but find it a little manipulative, not mention impractical and likely to contribute to unhappiness on both sides. Well, manipulative may not be the right word – not moving in is sound advice, but it would be a bit different if we lived 9 or 90 miles, not 900. 🙂 Option 4 is out. Don’t want.
But Option 3 is pretty good. In fact, it’s the one I’ve tentatively chosen. Sometimes I feel okay and optimistic about it, excited to be starting my career and such, but every once in a while I just feel so freaking disappointed and sad I feel physical pain.
I guess thoughts about any aspect of this post would be heartily appreciated – maybe I need to look at other living situation options, or maybe if I can deal with the waiting insecurities, other things will clear up in general. And if anyone has any relatable experience getting engaged in a long-term long-distance relationship, I’d love to hear it. I’m very quiet around here usually, so thank you for listening to my tale.