Post # 1
I’m dealing with a tough dilema and am interested in what some of you ladies would do.
I’ve been working towards joining my DH in California for more than a year (I’m Canadaian, gettting a visa takes time).
Then, when we were already several months into this visa process, my mom got seriously sick. It’s not terminal, but it’s very serious (she’s been in the ICU for more than a month now). We can’t be sure but we think that she’ll be in and out of hospital frequently for the next year or two while they try to get her condition under control. It’s very stressful and socking for the whole family as my mom is young and had no prior health problems.
Because of my mom’s condition, I think I need to change my plan and stay in the country. It’s kind of gut wrenching because otherwise I’d have only been 2 months away from FINALLY getting to live with my DH. If we change gears and have him move to Canada we are looking at around 1 more year of long distance.
My DH is supportive, but he’s clearly struggling. He’d been so excited to finally have me move down to Claifornia and really start our lives together. His career is really taking off there and he’s loving his work and making great money. The career opporotunities would be solid for me too. It was supposed to be his turn for us to live in the place that he loves. I feel guilty that it’s all getting messed up. Obviously I’m also struggling as I was excited to move and experience life in California.
I feel so torn between the family I’m trying to create with him and the one I have here at home. I don’t know what to do.
Post # 2
cbgg: This is really tough, and definitely NOT an easy decision. But, let me tell you a quick story, which may ‘help’. My mother got diagnosed with terminal cancer. My sister was in the process of getting promotion after promotion in a HUGE company she is employed. In between diagnosis, and things getting much worse, her next promotion was offered, which would move her a far distance – WITH a promise of being re-located back to her home town…eventually. Obviuosly, she struggled between being ‘here’, and moving ‘there’. Her gut instinct was to deny the promotion to stay and help take care of our mom (whom had been divorced from our father, so my sisters/she and myself were really close!).
However, my mom’s INSISTENCE was that she HAD TO GO. That not living her life would be far worse for our mom, than watching her get sicker. She had help with us, and with family and friends. My sister needed to live her life, and not let my mother’s illness stop her from doing so. I think most parents would want the same thing from their children, and that is where I think your mom would want you to continue to work toward moving with your FI, as it will make you both happier. Sure, that may mean keeping an emergency flight fund together, in the event you need to get home fast, but it is definitely feasible. And, since she is not terminal, per your post, the best bet is she will bounce back from this, and have a long life ahead of her!
My mom eventually passed away. My sister got re-located back to our hometown, with yet another promotion, about a month before her passing, and to this day has no regrets, because she knows she did what our mom wanted/needed her to do, and she was still there for her emotionally while she was gone physically…
I think you should talk to your mom 🙂 Good luck!
Post # 3
OUgal0004: Thanks for the story, I really appreciate hearing about these sorts of experiences.
My mom says to go…but even if she says that, how is it fair for the rest of the family? Didnyou feel abandoned by your sister and resent that she left you to take over more of the burden of the caregiver role?
Post # 4
cbgg: Good question!! No, I really did not. Sure, there were times where I thought “I wish she was here”, and I would tell her that, but I was never MAD, or UPSET that she had this amazing opportunity. Heck, I would have had to go too if something were offered to me, ya know?!
Helping care for my mom was never a burden…more of a labor of love, but please keep in mind that when I say that, what my mom ‘needed’ was minimal. She was a strong, proud woman. What I needed to do, for my own peace of mind, in helping her was my choice completely. Therefore, I could never say “I had to do X, Y, and Z”, but rather “I wanted too”. The flip side to that is my sister was jealous of the extra time I got to spend with my mom, where I may have been jealous that she was not privvy to everything, all the time. Kinda two ways of seeing things!!
I think if you are going to move, with your families support, it would be unfair for anyone to resent you for it…ya know??
Post # 5
OUgal0004: That’s a really good point. I guess when I think of it I feel the same way. My sister is currently away and I don’t resent her, I more feel bad for her that she can’t be here. It must be so hard for her to be away and be dependent on getting all her updates 2nd hand.