- 5 years ago
It has been several months since my last post here in the Hive, and so many things have changed since I last posted that I figured that I would give a small re-cap of the events from last April/May as well as get some feedback on a few other (smaller) things that have been running through my mind.
For those of you that already know who I am and what I have been going through, this small re-cap will be of no importance. For those of you who don’t know about me, here is a small re-cap of the events that led me to the Hive: My Fiance’ and I had been together for just under 5 years. I am a Military member and he was a full-time student. We hardly had any any time for one another, and the weekly (daily) arguments that we had circled around nothing important. I gave the ring back to him, cut our engagement, and told him that I just wanted him to hold onto the ring while we figured out what we wanted to do with our lives.
Since then our lives came to a breaking-point wherein our arguments became major deal-breakers, and I finally took the first step in alleviating a stress-factor in my life. I moved out. He didn’t want me to move out, but was unwilling to support me with my fight against depression, and I needed someone who would. I told him that I didn’t want to fight about anything anymore, and that by moving out i hoped that we would both get a small amount of breathing room so that we could take care of ther personal things that needed to be ironed out before we took any more steps forward. (He says I should have stayed and yelled at him some more?)
Since I have moved out, I wouldn’t say that things have gotten better, but things have certainly gotten smoother. I meet with a counselor weekly and the medicine that I am taking has assisted with bringing my energy and interest levels back to normal. I have been eating better, exercising, and getting enough sleep that my body doesn’t feel over-taxed when I get off duty. Things are moving up for me.
My ex-fiance’ and I meet often, we go out to dinner or walk through the park or go to a movie. We talk at legnth about what we want to do with our lives and what we have been doing throughout the week. We’re still very close friends, and I tell him about my dreams and the strides that I have been making to get better emotionally and physically so that I can be a better partner to him. I listen to his dreams and his aspirations and congratulate him on his achievements. As far as our conversations go, I had no idea that he might be thinking about moving on or getting over me.
The thing that is bothering me is this: Since I have moved out, my ex-fiance’ seems to have found his motivation and drive. He has gotten a job, started exercising more, has updated his wardrobe, and is even looking at buying a house — all things that he didn’t do while we were together since he said that he “just wasn’t ready,” or “didn’t see the point.” Where has all of this energy and motivation come from? Why didn’t any of this happen when we were together – was I holding him back in some way?
Part of me is angry, and part of me is largly hurt. I feel as if the moment I moved out he decided that he would be better off without me. Am I wasting my time and energy putting out these olive branches to keep in touch with him and support him even when we aren’t together? Everything that I have done has been with the premise that he and I were just “taking a break,” and that my emotional restoration and health would allow for a stronger foundation for any future relationship that we might have together — but if he’s on the up-and-up, getting what he wants out of life and doing what he wants – is there any room for me in his plans?
I don’t want to sound needy or assuming, but I had no idea that we would be in this situation. If he doesn’t want me in his life, thats fine. I can’t say that I would like it (I’d hate it!), but if thats what he wants and thats what will make him happy – then who am I to stop him? Who am I to prevent him from reaching happiness?
Am I doing the right thing by staying in touch with him, supporting him, and showing him that he is important to me? Or, rather, should I too try and move forward and move on (as he appears to be)?