- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Hi Bees,
So I need some opinions. My previous LTRs involved me living with the men, and I vowed to my grandmother I would never do it again without him puttin' a ring on it!
Well... you all know my story, and how the BF and I have been discussing marriage (his idea) on and off for the entire duration of our dating. The situation as it stands = me living in a rented room I've never spent a night in, paying rent for storing my bed and a few odds and ends... and staying with the BF. It works out fine, as he would prefer me there. It also makes more sense because of the money saving issues (I am going to college next fall and need to pay tuition). He pays for groceries and doesn't want me to pay for any of the utilities or mortgage as of now, but I would be happy to oblige.
It came up this weekend while we made a run to pick up something he had bought. We were joking around about me dusting his vents, and I said I wasn't paying rent there so it wasn't my job. :) And he said, "What are you doing, are you renewing your lease?"
Me: "I'm not sure, probably."
Him: "Well why don't you just move in with me and let's make it official?"
Me: "Hmm, let's talk about it a little later."
I've thought about it this weekend, and I suppose my only concern would be if we'd ever have to end the relationship but keep holding on because it got comfortable. Then again, I'm a hell of a lot more mature now and could see symptoms of that from a mile away...
So, Bees, what about your experiences?
I've lived with guys before my fiance, and they got into that comfort zone. That "ugh, this is a pain, but I'm too lazy to do anything about it" sort of relationship at the end. (For me at least). Those would end in a proposal, and me saying no.
My fiance and I moved in together within a week of meeting/starting dating. We started talking marriage a month later, and we were engaged in under a year. Dunno if that helps any.
It does, we're very similar. I think it generally depends on the dynamic and time in your life. BF and I moved pretty quickly from first date to girlfriend, to meeting his family and hinting that this was it. I can say none of my previous LTRs were anything like this.
Well if you read through a lot of other bees' stories it seems like a lot of them moved in together before they got engaged and it didn't stop their guys from proposing. Although I will say this... just off the top of my head it usually seems like all the stories I've read include the guy proposing like 1 year + later.... not so close to the time of move-in. But that could just be a fluke.
I had the same concern you had and I always told my FI that I wouldn't live with him before we were engaged. Of course if you're spending every night with him anyways, maybe it wouldn't be any different?
The gist is.... I have no idea. :) Go with your instincts.
*shrugs* I don't see how living full time at your BF's while still keeping your own place is fulfilling that vow to your grandmother. You might as well make it official. :)
We don't technically live together although he stays at my house often. It's a cultural thing that prevents him from being able to leave his parent's house before marriage. If you have a cultural, moral, or ethical qualm about living together before marriage/engagment, then you shouldn't do it. But in your case...if you are living at his place all the time, I don't think it's different from officially living together (it's just costing you more).
We live together and are not engaged. I wanted to wait until we got engaged first but it was his idea to see how everything worked out.
That's absolutely true. It's not. And frankly it wouldn't change anyways, I'm just wasting money on a room that I don't live in.
The question is, "is it right for you?"
I'd do it, but I'd be all about making it official, too. I'd hate to waste money, also. You're pretty much already living with him--how is it any different? It's not =]
I think the only way you moving in together would halt or hold off an engagement would be if you struggle to live together--ie there are so many big differences that one of you starts wondering if you're in the right relationship. But since you already do that, you know you're fine!
True! I also made some awesome engagement chicken last night.
No, BF and I enjoy this tremendously. I am generally a very independent person so I remedy it by being alone some weekends or going out with my friends. Otherwise, I am happy to go home to someone and share the day's experiences.
There ARE annoying things, but that would come up with anyone.
I think because BF understands how important engagement and marriage are to me, he wouldn't put it off unless he felt he wasn't ready - which is fine. I am leaning towards moving in, I just feel like a hypocrite. :)
I think it depends on you; & your relationship. For him; He didn't want to rent because he thought it was a waste of money. For Me; I didn't want to buy a home until we were engaged. We were both anxious to buy and live on our own so after some time of saving money he proposed this last August and we just closed on our home! I just knew that I didn't want to risk buying a house with someone without that commitment. (Not that a ring always makes things work either... !?) But it makes me feel a little more confident that we have taken that "step" in commitment before our big Move!
There are all of these "rules," but you know, they don't really apply to everyone. As hand-holding-Sunday-school as this sounds, I think that only you know what's best/applicable for your relationship.
Ugh, I sound like an after-school special. :p
i too think it's a personal decision. it you feel like you can take him at his word, then go for it! no sense in wasting money on a place you never see! i've lived w/my BF just over two out of the four years we've been dating, although personally i wish i had waited another 6 mos - a year to do it. that said, for me it was important to live together before getting engaged because i think it's important to really get to know someone before taking that step.
I have to agree w/ Jaxx317 and everyone else. It's a question that can only be answered by the two of you. I know that living w/ my BF (and moving to a totally new city a time zone away from our families) was great for us because it helped us negotiate all of the "Who does what chores? Who pays for what? How can we keep things fresh when I see you all the time? etc" kinds of questions that can sometimes be the hardest to work out right after marriage.
I moved in before we got engaged. Heck, we even bought our house together before we were engaged (we joked that a joint mortgage was more of a commitment than marriage at the time!). It never stopped him from asking and it certainly didn't make him lazy (complacent about certain things, yes, but lazy, no).
On the other hand, your main justification for moving in with him is a financial one, not because it feels its "right". On the other hand you almost live together as it is.
I think you need to tell him why you are hesitant about it. Just a blunt "I've lived with guys before, it didn't work out, and I promised myself I wouldn't do it again without a real sign of commitment, such as engagement."
Is it right for both of you? That's the only question that matters. I, for one, moved in with my husband long before we talked about getting engaged.
FI and I moved in together before being engaged. We were in a similar situation as you-- I was renting out a room near school, and he had his own apt. We were spending every night together at his place. We both knew that we wanted to marry each other, sooner or later. After 5 months of living together, he proposed. It all worked well for us, and I have a feeling it will for you toO! 
Oh I totally get you on this! Mr. KM and I reaaaaaaally want to move in together. It's really hard on me when he goes home every. single. night. I'm in tears most nights of the week cause he's living at his parents right now to save some money. When he was still in his apartment, he stayed over every night! However, neither of our parents knew, and they're the reason we don't live together already. They would FLIP if they found out and/or knew we had even thought about it. Super conservative.
I think for you and your guy... you know better than anyone whether or not it would be a good move (ah ha), but the worries about you ending your relationship concern me. If you're worried about your relationship ending, it's probably not the best idea. Especially if you're in a weird limbo of getting engaged or breaking up. Moving in might put too much pressure on you to make it work.
I agree with everyone else who said it's a personal decision. Fi and I bought a house together after 1.5 years of dating. Prior to that, we weren't "officially" living together, but like you, I was paying for an apartment that I was just basically using for storage, and spending the rest of my time at the then BF's house. It just made sense/felt right for us to buy a house together. After living in our house for 2 years, he proposed. Personally, best decision ever for us. But, to each their own :)
FI and I both agreed early on in our relationship we never wanted to live with a sig. other unless we were engaged (I did it once, right out of college...living with an ex for 2 months while looking for a new place will turn even the most peaceful and respectful break-up ugly). I didn't want to live with someone to just "play house" which is what I think I'd done before, looking back. When we were ready to move to the next level, we got engaged (in June) and planned to find a new place together at the end of Dec once his lease was up. Of course, once we were engaged, all bets were off - he kicked his roommate out (politely!) and I moved in 4 wks later=)
Thanks everyone for your thoughts!
I only want to be realistic about things which is why I brought up the possibility of breaking up. I need to consider the worst case scenario just to be prepared. I don't think that will ever be the case, but life takes you on different directions. I have seen a lot of things happen to many people they would never have dreamed about, good and bad.
It does feel "right", but when I announced to my family before BF and I started dating I'd "never do the live-in thing again", it weighs heavily on my conscience. I'll discuss with them. My mother approves, I haven't said anything to my father... and I'll need to see how his parents feel, though I know his mom is already aware I stay there all the time.
My now fiance is the first guy I ever lived with, and we actually broke up and I kicked him out TWICE during our 5+ year relationship... but we learned a lot from our mistakes and grew from them, and grew together.
The rough patch was tough, but we got through it thankfully. I think living together before marriage now a days is an integral part of a relationship. You really get to know the person before you decide if you want to live with them forever.
mmmtacos, I understand how it is to worry about what your family will think/approve of, so I think only you will know how it will be to either live with your SO or not and deal with your family's reactions. Sometimes you gotta do what's right for you, even if your family can't see that yet. Good luck with your decision!
P.S. My father moved in with my mother after knowing each other for a week (he was not allowed to answer the phone in case it was my grandmother calling or she would have FLIPPED!) and they are celebrating their 31st wedding anniversary this Wednesday.
I guess my story is a little different! My Teddy and I have been talking about marriage...i know that the ring will be here sometime between january and march...I really would love to live with him but it is also my family that is the issue. KMSull I am totally in the same boat...My parents are UBER conservative...but also divorced. Coming from a divorced family has made me and my parents a little bit more cautious about these sorts of things. Im kind of just continuing my plans for life in general right now...i just bought a house on my own...when we are engaged i think we will consider him moving in (if i think my parents wont have a heart attack)....and if not of course we will when we are married...and if some crazy thing happens and it doesnt work out...i still have my starter home...and if everything turns out fine and dandy we will probably buy a bigger better house in about 3 to 4 years time. But we sleep in the same bed every night and trust me...if my family didnt really care either way...he would def be moving in right now...it is hard to look at the financial part...because you are right it does not make ANY sense financially. So i would go with your gut instinct on this one...and do whatever YOU feel is right...as you can see we have all had really different experiences and that has been the deciding factor
Honestly, when I moved in with my BF I wasn't even ready for a ring. We moved in together because we knew we loved each other and if we ever were going to get married, this would be a good trial run. Now we have live together for about 2 years and I am starting to get anxious about the ring :)
My parents were not thrilled about me moving in with my BF. They didnt think it was the right choice, but now that we have been together for so long, we have proven them wrong! My mom takes comfort that I have someone here who will take care of me. You are their daughter, they will love you no matter what...even if it takes some time for them to adjust.
I moved in with my husband a year before we were engaged. At the time I still had my apt, but literally never stayed there (I cut the cable, and turned off the AC) so it really felt like a waste of money.
I had hesitations about living together before we were engaged, mainly for the reason that I didn't want to be dependant on him, so we agreed to put all my furniture in storage, that way, if for some reason things didn't work out, I wouldn't be left high & dry. Also, I had personal hesitations, I wasn't all for a couple living together before marriage, but my husband really felt strongly about living together BEFORE getting engaged b/c he felt that you need to make sure that you can actually live with one another.
All in all if was a great decision for us. Moving in with someone is stressful & there were alot of arguments in the beginning & Im thankful that we arn't experiencing that stress right now being newlyweds :)
I would say only move in with him if you have a firm plan of the timeline and you both agree to it. I know a lot of people who move in because it makes things easier on you financially, but there's a lot of emotional heartache and drama if one person thinks that means that they're getting proposed to soon, and the other one is just thinking "it saves money".
Agreed. It actually is costing him money and saving me, so I guess we're ok on that front. :)
My fiance was wasting money on a place but I really wanted to be engaged before we lived together. Ideally I would have waited until we were married but it's not always smart when you're renting and trying to save for a house. His place was just a half mile away but we were always at my house. He even stayed at my house when I was out of town. It was nice though having somewhere to go when my roommates had people in town for the weekend or something similar.
it sounds like you should move in as long as you see the engagement coming soon and have no doubts about that. I worried about "what if we break up?" and having to split things that are purchased together, etc.
And just to put everything out there - people break up even when they're engaged. It can happen. And people divorce and it's messy and painful to move out. The question is: is it right for you at this time? We all have to make a bet on somebody at some point. Is he worth it? It sounds like you want to live with him, you just feel bad about what you said previously to your family. Maybe we should talk about how you're going to break the news to them :-).
Totally personal preference. I personally don't believe in living together before I'm married, but that belief is just as valid as those who do think it's okay.
My only caution would be to make sure you're headed toward engagement and that moving in together doesn't stall that. You sound really happy, and I want you to stay that way!
I say, try it before you buy it. Both of my sister did and they're happily married. Also, I think it's rough when you first move in with each other so I'd rather get the "why won't you just throw the laundry in the hamper!" fights out of the way.
However, both my SO and I have had move-ins and it didn't work out. We discussed a moving in "prenup" who would get what, etc, (we bought all new furniture since he moved in from out of state...) I think it's a worthwhile discussion and it shows respect for each other. I wouldn't want a move out to get ugly...
Also, before I moved in, I got a timeline on the ring.
I agree with the Bees that say, "do what's best for you". Case-in-point, we moved in after my current roomate moved to Chicago for a job promotion. I was worried what my parents would say, so I made it like, "Well, she moved and I needed someone to move in, and this made sense" - and we lived in apartments for a while. I told him how strongly I felt about being in a house and being engaged - low and behold, he proposed right before we moved into a house last December. I think you need to look at what's the best option for you and feel it out!! And re: your family - they will support you if it makes you really, truely happy. Just be honest and if you think he's "the one" - let them know. :) That usually helps soften the blow.
I lived with 2 BF's before I met my BF now. I think it's a good experience and tells you alot about yourself. I knew it wouldn't work when I saw things going on in the house. My BF and I met in January and I was moved in by March. It just so happened that my roommate was selling the condo and I was getting the boot. Instead of moving in with a total stranger or going back to my parents I moved in with the BF. It has been just about 2 years so far and we are so glad we did it. I say GO FOR IT!
Ok. Here's my take.
I would not move in with him. Keep your promise to grandma.
I will however be moving in 2 mos before T and I get married (but will be very much engaged) and it's due to the merging of our two households and houses..very tedious.
Why am I not a fan of it? I have 3 friends who have moved in with bf's and two of them broke up. The other is still living with her bf (they've been together five years now) and she's one of my two bff's. He loves her, treats her fabulously, gives here everything she could possible want except two things. Marriage and a child and it's silently killing her inside. He's happy just as he is now. And my heart breaks for her. She's too comfortable to break up with him, but still cannot say she is 100 percent at all happy and is wondering now (since she's in her late 30s) if she made the right choice. She knows my thoughts as I've urged her to end it with him for some time now.
Of course, this is a personal decision. While I can see it making sense moving in with your boyfriend since you already are there all the time, I can also see the logical sense in having your own place "just in case." Since you have lived with boyfriends before you know that living together doesn't always lead to marriage, and you probably know how difficult it can be to start over again.
In my case, I DO believe in living together before marriage, however I am now leaning towards being engaged before moving in. I waited until marriage to move in with my XH and realized that was a HUGE mistake. You don't truly know someone until you've lived with them.
But now, living with the Boy, with no proposal, at times I kind of wonder if it was the right decision. Sure, it's easier for us because we can see each other all the time, and we're saving money living together, but at the same time I wonder if that will delay taking the next step because there is no reason to push it since we already live together, KWIM?
I really don't think moving in together because it's "more convenient" or "saves money," or even being together all the time is the right reason. I think people should move into together with the intention that this is a step towards a life time commitment. Of course that doesn't mean that moving in will make a guy propose any sooner/later, but I can just see the logic in waiting until one has a proposal.
Ultimately, you have to do what is best for you. I think sometimes taking a step back from the romantic "but I'm so in love and we're going to live happily ever after" feelings is the best way to make a decision.
Maybe this is just because I live in New York (the land of crazy high rents), but ALL of my friends moved in with their boyfriends within a few months of dating, and all of them are now married or engaged (two have kids together).
As for my boyfriend and I, we bought an apartment together two years ago and got engaged this June.
I really think that the idea that guys won't want to get married if you already live with them is both outdated and kind of insulting. I think that the idea that men think "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" is basically fictional. I don't know anyone who feels this way (and seriously- would you want to marry or date anyone who did?) and I think it reduces complicated human relationship into the plot of a bad sitcom. Marriage, family, and commitment is just as important to my male friends as it is to my female friends.
So basically what I'm saying is: move in with him if you want to. It seems like you two care about each other. You basically live there anyway. It makes sense. I doubt it would have any negative impact on whether or not you get married.
Hmmm I have lived with guys and it just depends on what day you ask me lol!! M and I live together but it wasn't a conscious oh we should move in right now, it was more like I slept at his place almost EVERY DAY! So my place became infested with rodents when it got colder and we basically said hey let's see if we can find a house.. and within a few weeks we moved in together. before when i moved in with someone it felt forced almost as if i was trying to salvage a relationship. with M it felt perfectly normal as in why AREN'T we moving in together. i have nothing else to say about it except it felt normal... the first few months with the kids was hard. lol I am glad we did it then because i would have been contemplating divorce if we were married lol!! both sets of kids were very accustomed to us being single parents and wowza's is all i have to say!! oddly for us it was like okay we need to work through this so we can get on with our future. now his kids are mine and my son is his so the only thing left is for us to get married and i think that will be happening within the next year (FAINT!!) OMG DID I JUST SAY THAT?!
Girrrl, you don't have to worry about it - you made the chicken! :-) I swear that works.
But really, it's a crapshoot. I've only ever lived with my fiance, and he proposed about 3 years into it. Fine by me, that timeline was good for me too. But it's definitely a risk if you are ready now, b/c they will get comfortable, no doubt! Though i am a fan of saving money, i would have to say that i'd stick with grandma. And tell him honestly that is your reason. "I would love to move in with you - it does make a lot of sense! But I made a promise to my grandmother that I would wait to move in with someone until after we got engaged or married. I don't want to rush you, though, so I will renew my lease. " Then you can be cute and say "I'd rather find a subletter next year than make my grandma sad!" If it's on his mind, maybe he'll consider asking, but either way I think he'd respect your decision and be thankful that you didn't move in and then feel like you are demanding a proposal.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
