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Among gems like "well hopefully it [moving in] doesn't make you want to cancel the wedding", I have been told that once we officially move in together there will be nothing special anymore. I hate when people tell me things like this.
If getting married is just used as an excuse to have sex and live with a guy--to me that is much less special than living with your soon-to-be husband right before the wedding. Marriage would simply be a pass rather than a commitment. And isn't that what we're celebrating? Quite frankly, I want to tell these naysayers that while they rushed to get married just to have sex, I am committing to my husband having already sampled the goods if you will--and that to me is more meaningful.
Lately though with my entire life being hectic I am questioning everything (except the choice of man obviously). I know what I believe--but then reading some of these post-wedding threads makes me concerned. There is so much to look forward to that I don't feel like moving in 6 months before the wedding will destroy the "specialness" of things. I keep telling myself to think of all the special things we will be celebrating together--our first home, our first child, our first-real careers, our first christmas/other assorted holidays, and then think of all the anniversaries.
So this is for the already married bees. Am I right in thinking that our relationship will still be "special" if e move in together six months before the wedding? Is moving in together going to ruin everything? Should I maybe not decorate the apartment until we get back from the honeymoon (6 months later)? Thoughts?
I think there is actually a post in the Newlywed section where a Bee doesn't feel like a newlywed b/c nothing really changed given they had been living together for awhile and such.
Just a thought to check out
@Ms. Polar Bear:I'm not married yet, but Fi and I have lived together for a year now. I think that it's made us closer, and in a way, I can't imagine NOT living with him before getting married. To me, that's almost like buying the cow without trying the milk (sorry for the farm analogy).
Regarding the decorating, it's a lonnnnng process. I wouldn't wait until after you come back from the HM. You never know when you're going to find a piece that works perfectly or a pair of amazing curtains goes on clearance. Take your time and work on it slowly. Just my $0.02!
I feel like you sometimes. But if you are meant to be, living together will only reinforce the strength of your coupling. It will be hard, and no, it wouldn't be as exciting as waiting until after the marriage but it will still be special in its own way.
Don't fret. Everything works out the way it should.
I moved in with my husband when we were still dating. I'm so glad I did it before the wedding, mainly because it was really hard on our relationship! We weren't communicating well, we were both walking on egg shells trying to please the other person, and it just took us a little while to figure out how to live together. I would have been soooo freaked out if we had just gotten married and then gone through that!
It is plenty special to live with someone and get married. There are still plenty of exciting things that happen, I was excited about everything! Our first holidays as a married couple, our first big purchase as a married couple, etc. I would make an excuse to get excited about any little thing, b/c it was our first time as a married couple.
Gurl, move in with your guy whenever you want to! Don't listen to the "you'll seeeeeeeee" people. Read this article here.
Moving in with your guy before the wedding will be special. Decorating before the wedding will be special. Coming home from the wedding/honeymoon to your lived-in, comfortable, decorated home that you two made together will be special. It will all be special no matter what you do because it's your life with the man you love and just because you're not following the "norms" doesn't mean it's not. Do what makes you happiest and THAT in itself will be special.
I moved in with my FI. There will still be something special about being married because that is when we will get to buy a house (right now we live in an apartment) and make it OUR place instead of a place we are living. There is a lot of special things to be had still after you move in together. While this apartment is our place in the sense of we are both on the lease and it is our home in the sense that our home is where the other person is and whatnot its not the big kind of OUR place. We did not build it up and create it together. You can still create a home with someone after living with them by getting a place and making it YOURS rather than just getting a place. I hope that makes sense
@Kant: Thanks. I'm checking out your link now =)
And thanks to all the ladies. I know I'm being silly. I really think that personally it will not hinder my feeling of specialness (because we'll be returning as husband and wife, buying new things etc). I just hate that people say things like that.
Don't tell me that nothing is great a year after getting married. You don't know me, or us. I sometimes wonder whether the first year of marriage is so tough for these certain people because they DIDN'T have to live with anyone else and didn't understand what it takes. Eh.
Anymore thoughts?
I think it's true that not living together until after marriage probably makes you feel more "like newlyweds" afterwards... but I don't think that's a good thing to base your decisions off of. These decisions should be about what works best for your relationship over the course of the your whole lives, not about maximizing the specialness of one very small part of that (the immediate post-wedding period).
@Ms. Polar Bear: I hate that "everything is downhill after the first year" mentality so much too. My man and I have only grown stronger since we moved in together and I am sure it will be the same for you. Don't let people who rushed in to be "honest people" tear you down. We have the advantage of not having the social stigma of the past and can therefore grow together in ways people never got to. I wish you both the best and a happy wedding day regardless of what you choose to do.
@Ms. Polar Bear: I hate that "everything is downhill after the first year" mentality so much too. My man and I have only grown stronger since we moved in together and I am sure it will be the same for you. Don't let people who rushed in to be "honest people" tear you down. We have the advantage of not having the social stigma of the past and can therefore grow together in ways people never got to. I wish you both the best and a happy wedding day regardless of what you choose to do.
@historienne: It's weird but I'm not too concerned about feeling like newlyweds. Honestly I don't know what I'm concerned about--maybe nothing at all. Life with my soon-to-be husband has been much less drama filled than life with other people I know that it feels like we're already married. Home is his bedroom in this craphole of an apartment and I'm okay with that.
I think the wedding and the four day honeymoon will already mark us as newlyweds. Maybe if we weren't going on a honeymoon it would matter more to me? The worry goes as quickly as it comes. I just need to remember that the people who keep telling me this crap are miserable. It isn't for them to say.
We've been living together since before we got engaged and I'm still super excited to get married. While our life together won't really seem any different to anyone else, we'll have the new comfort of knowing we're committed to each other for life, and will be starting a new family. Something as simple as sharing the same last name is incredibly exciting to me.
Personally, I'm a big proponent of living together before marriage. Moving in together is a huge adjustment and it's good to have some time to work the kinks out before you make it legal. :)
@Corilee13: I think you nailed it on the head. It's the "it's all downhill from here" mentality that really gets me all jumbled up. But people make their choices...that doesn't mean they have to be mine.
@Ms. Polar Bear: I kinda wanna slap people who aren't married for saying those things too. I know a girl who when she heard I was getting married said and I quote "Well there goes your sex life." WTF. If you marry the right person it wont be like that. I have every confidence that you two wont be like that at all. Just from the little bit you say he seems kinda like your "safe place" since there is no drama (or minimal) with you two. You two will only grow stronger as time goes on.
A blogger that I read talked about how she wasn't sure she would feel any different after her wedding considering she had know and lived with her man for a bajillion years.. then 6 months after the wedding she wrote this post.
http://nothingbutbonfires.com/2010/03/still-married-after-all-these-months
I am not married yet, but have lived with my man for 4 years now. Us living together has not made the thought of marriage ANY less special for us! I am still SOOOO excited to marry him!! We still have tons of things to look forward to in the future. The point of getting married is much deeper than just moving in together.
We are actually a stronger couple now than we were before we lived together, we have learned so much about each other that we wouldn't have otherwise known living seperately. I don't think it will be "less special" in any way, shape or form!!!
My fiance and I have lived together for five years... and I have to admit, I still see a certain dreamy appeal in "starting your life together" by moving in together for the first time. Your new husband kicks in the door, scoops you up, and carries you over the threshold. But the dreamy, exciting part ends there - after that, there's squabbling (or silent stewing, if you're me) over who does or doesn't hang up wet towels, clean the crumbs off the counter, who wants to spend time together versus needing more alone time,etc.
It's hard, and I'm with you, @Ms. Polar Bear - I'm bet that that's a lot of the reason for the "the first year of marriage is really hard" that I always hear. I think so much of a couple's sense of "successful marriage" gets tied up in how hard it is to learn to live with someone. It seems like so many people think they've failed at marriage because they didn't know how much learning it takes to cohabitate.
I am so, so glad that we figured all those things out before we decided to get married. Part of the joy in getting married now is knowing how well we live together. And any excitement we might have lost in not waiting to shack up is totally made up for by looking forward to hosting our first Christmas, finally buying a house, getting a dog, having kids eventually, etc.
@Corilee13: I also have certain single friends that follow this line of thought. Perpetually single friends. And I think, really? Even if it were true why would you say that to me--I have a whole eternity to figure out why you think it sucks. At least we (people with SOs) are allowing ourselves the chance to live, learn, and love.
@Ms. Martian: I love reading articles. So thank you!!
@jenroh1984: I agree. I mean if I had chosen to get married in a summer month, say next month, does moving in together take on magical powers? Why does it lose it's magic because the wedding is six months away? I think we will also grow stronger together.
@Lalai: I totally forgot about pets!! I agree, all that stuff doesn't magically go away just because you got married. It will all be there waiting. I'd like to get it out of the way though so we can enjoy the rest!
@Ms. Martian: Just finished reading and I want to thank you. That is exactly what I was wondering <3
I personally don't believe in living together before marriage, and neither does my fiance. So we're not. And that's what's right for us.
But does that mean we're "right" and everyone else is "wrong"? No way! Every couple has their own sense of what's right for them. Don't worry about what other people are telling you. No one knows your relationship as well as you and your FI!
My now-husband and I started dating in April 2006, moved in to a new apartment together in August 2006, were pregnant by December. First baby in July 2007, second in June of 2009. We didn't get married until December 2010. Let me tell you- we still feel like newlyweds. You won't lose that feeling just because you live together. It is still just as special as it would have been if we hadn't lived together. Yeah, we did things a little bit backwards but hey, it happens. To be honest, I don't think we would have made it had we not lived together first. Again, everyone is different, but it worked for us. Good luck!
We just moved in together a few months ago. We will have lived together less than one year when we get married. I used to be against it, but I realize now that it is so nice to find out what works/doesn't work with you living together and find it out now--that way if you really can't stand living together (like, REALLY can't stand it) you can delay or make a different decision about marriage.
At the same time, I do think that it would make the marriage feel like an even bigger life-changing event if you didn't live together until afterwards. It is possible that it will feel like nothing much has changed for us.
Do what is in your heart.
I think you need to do whats right for you. We moved in together before we were engaged (but after we knew we wanted to marry each other), to be sure that we could actually deal with living together without killing each other. He used to stay over at my place all the time but living together was a comepletely different story. You think you know some one but you dont until you actually share a space 27/7 and learn their annoying habits (like how he somehow gets water EVERYWHERE when he washes his face or how he will throw his clothes near the hamper but not actually in it).
Im glad we got all the domestic adjustments out of the way and when we are newlyweds, we can enjoy the time and instead of dealing with the adjustment period. And I know i wont feel like im missing out on anything special because the novelty of moving in together wears off rather quickly.
My FI and I bought a house together about 8 months before our wedding (we actually started the process before we were officially engaged - our leases were up, the market was good, we knew engagment was inevitable, etc). For me, living together has confirmed that I'm making the right decisions. We're getting married in less than 2 weeks now, and no, nothing will change significantly in our living situation, but that doesn't mean my life won't change at all. For me, I think it will be my mindset - being married means that you're not alone in the world anymore and every decision I make will be based on what is best for "us" rather than "me." Financially, socially, the way I spend my time - all my decisions and thought processes will have to change. Or maybe nothing will change. But I'll be ok with that too, because I already know without a doubt that we are meant to be together and I couldn't be happier with anyone else.
Just because living together before we get married has worked for me, doesn't mean it will work for everyone, but I hope this helps some of you that are considering it.
On a totally different note, it's also nice not to have to be moving during the 2 weeks before or after your wedding. I can't imagine what a basket case I'd be right now if I was in the middle of moving as well as dealing with all the wedding craziness that comes up these days.
@kmcdonald3: I agree. If I waited I would have to move all my stuff in only days before classes resume. It would be a mess.
I'm completely over the indecision. Thanks bees!!
Let me tell you something, my FI and I already see eachother as husband/wife... even though it's not "official", we have already made the commitment. Now, that's not to say our wedding won't still be special. I think the wedding ceremony is just your public declaration that you are committing to eachother. It's a celebration. So will moving in before the wedding make living together after less special? I don't think it will at all. You are still learning about eachother, you'll still have the same fights, the same fun, the same EVERYTHING you'd have before. It may make things a little easier, because instead of stressing about living with another person, you'll have time to decompress from all the wedding stuff, and it won't be such a shock having to share a bed.
I personally am not overly concerned with feeling like a newlywed. My FI and I have been living together for 2 years and just got engaged. And all I can think of is what a wonderful relief it is knowing that this is a man that I love and KNOW that I can live with. We have already been through the awkwardness that comes with living together and the arguments over whose turn it is to do the dishes. We got through all of that, and now when we actually get married we can just enjoy being married and not sweat the small stuff.
@vmblai1019:Agreed. We think of ourselves that way too.
I'm debating closing the thread because it was a less than hour doubt, but maybe it will help others? Not sure LOL
Here is my opinion - and this is just based on my expereince - my husband and i both had our own apartments prior to getting engaged, when we got engaged i "moved home" to save some money (this was a huge lifesaver for our wedding, i was able to save all my rent money for things we would need) so i moved all my stuff in storage and all my clothes to my parents house and i would stay there a few nights a week and stay at my then Fiance's house a few nights a week, it eventually got to the point that i was staying there everynight so we basically "lived" together anyway without actually having "our" apartment - so i moved home in june and his lease was up in october, we seriously thought about getting our apartment then, i mean it was only about 4 months until the wedding anyway and i was sick and tired of living out of laundry baskets and over night bags, i didnt have anything of my own or space to keep my things so i really pushed for this move -
in the end we decided against it because we thought moving in together right around the wedding would be more exciting and new. so he extended his lease until the end of january and we moved into "our" apartment 2 weeks before the wedding. so even though we were techinically already living together prior to the wedding it still felt new and exciting because we both went and looked for a place that felt like home, a bigger apartment and a place to start out our future together.
i am very untraditional when it comes to things like this, i personally think living together before marriage is ok, and a great way to really get to know how the other person lives and keeps their home. but his family is very very traditional and do not believe in living together before marriage so this was sort of like our compromise, even though i still lived with him for months prior to the wedding it still felt new and special when we got married because we were in our home, not his home that i stayed at. We were able to bring all my stuff into our new home and decorate and things like that - so ultimately no, i dont think it takes away from the specialness of newleyweds. I really loved the way we did it because we got a taste of what it would be like everyday AND we got to move right before the wedding into a new home that we both love.
There are several studies which conclude the divorce rate is higher among those who live together before marriage. You can find them through a search engine.
I'm not married yet, but FI and I have been living together for almost 2 years now. While I think it's a great "test" of your relationship and how you will deal with day-to-day situations, who will pay what bills, ect., if I could go back and do it again, I would have waited to move in together...only because nothing will change once we are married. I think I would be looking forward to the wedding more if we were getting ready to move in together. Just my opinion :)
@Ms. Polar Bear: It will help others! It helped me! Thank you!
@Ms. Martian: That was beautiful and I can totally see where she's coming from and I think I will understand that "shift".
@Ms. Polar Bear: Perhaps it would help other doubtful brides in this situation, if the post was left up?
Honestly, I think it'd be a much better decision to move in together as soon as possible if you're planning to get married. I feel that it would only benefit you in getting to truly know each other as well as possible.
There's some people that don't believe Men and Women should live together before marriage, but that's their opinion and you're entitled to your own. You should do what is best for the both of you.
My fiance and I moved in together after only dating 5 months and 4 months later he proposed to me. It definitely brought us closer and we felt that we eally needed to live together before we could decide on marriage. We've now been living together about 7 months and going strong. We will have lived together for about 1 year when we get married.
Every couple is different and you shouldn't let other posts on here deeply influence your decision. Some people let the romance fade out of their relationship and it becomes stale or some people want to feel more like a newlywed. It is up to the both of you to work to try new things (have date nights) and keep it fresh. If you really want to move in together before marriage, then you should.
I'm less than 3 weeks from our big day but we moved out of our parents house back in february. I officially moved into the apartment in April when I got done with the semester. This has caused fights, arguments, walk-outs, and hell to come out. BUT I would not change anything about it. We needed to learn to live together before the stakes were incredibly high. To us it will not take the 'specialness' out of the relationship because when we get back from the wedding we can begin our married life in a place that is already ours and not fuss about things that will seem unimportant because we are married rather than just living together. If you dont make it about the sex, then its a great start to a marriage. I'm sure I've heard many pple say they wish they had lived together before getting married.
I am a big supporter of living with your man before you get married! We started living together after 2 years of dating while we were still in college. In fact, my grandma told me she was so happy we decided to live together before marriage so that we could get used to each other's way of living.
When we first moved in together it was very difficult! I was an art major and worked my way through college so I was never home and when i would come home, the apartment was a mess and my FI was always playing XBOX... let's just say I became that nagging girlfriend that every guy tries to avoid!I grew up having to do chores around the house and my fiance had the luxury of his mom doing everything around the house. I told him that he may have grown up that way but not to expect me to go to school and work and then come home and pick up after him. It took a few years but I finally got him to start pulling his weight around the apartment and we've been much happier!
I'm sure my fiance's lazy college mentality is similar to other guys out there but certainly not every guy. I couldn't imagine moving in together after getting married and having to deal with his laziness like that. I think the fact that we were able to get through those tough times has only made our relationship stronger and allows for us to focus on us as a couple and I'm very much looking forward to getting married and starting our lives together, buying a house, having kids....
We moved in together (chastely) almost a year before we got married. Everything was pretty great, actually. There wasn't much of an adjustment period. I think our relationship got better, closer, from the sheer intimacy of daily living. However, our church (who had known the whole time) made a stink right before the wedding and refused to allow us to get married there.
So, basically, living together was a good choice for us, but it wasn't without consequences in our other relationships.
@ Helenberrycrunch: Thats horrible that your church wouldnt allow you to get married there!!! I know its church and religion but they should at least be more open to that than for a divorce to come in the future.
@lmwolfe015: I have read these studies, but the information they usually leave out is how long people were together before they moved in together. If you've only been dating weeks/months or even less than a few years before living together, you are probably rushing other areas of life too, such as marriage.
So pretty much, I don't see much weight in these studies until they are done with CONTROL experiments, to figure out exactly what factors makes the divorce rate higher. Too many variables in relationships to attest it to simply living together before marriage.
Blanket statistics like these are the same as this type of example: A higher percentage of the popuation is overweight in the Southern US than in the Northern US. This is a true statement, there are stats to prove it. But that does NOT mean that if you move to the North you will not longer be overweight, or vice versa. It's about lifestyle choices, not location. Just like a relationships success is based on how you as a couple make choices together.
So yes, I think MANY people move in together too soon, thus making a rash choice as they were not ready, contributing to a higher divorce rate. But I don't think that living together before marriage is WHY they get divorced, I think it's often a product of rushing and immature in life decisions.
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