Moving in together waiting/compromise

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
Member
500 posts
Busy bee

You say – I am willing to move in with you before marriage because it’s important to you.  However, you need to understand that if we are not moving toward marriage with a timeline of one year to become engaged (time of the lease) then I will not renew a lease with you and will move out and end our relationship (or whatever your perspective is).

If he tells you he is ok with this….. then the key is…. you stick with your timeline, but don’t bring it up again, until it’s time to renegotiate the lease.  Then, if he asks if you are re-signing you say, not without an engagement.  Let him decide if you will renew the lease.

Member
2707 posts
Sugar bee

Hmmm, you’ve been together 1.5 years? Personally, I would move in and just see how it goes! I moved in with my then-boyfriend after 1.5 years and it was great. We didn’t have any adjustment issues or growing pains or anything. I wasn’t “waiting” so I had no worries about a timeline, but he proposed 1.5 years later and here we are! It was important to us to be together for a while before living together, and live together for a while before getting engaged. I guess if you have different views on that it wouldn’t work out so well, but based on my experience I wouldn’t put any pressure on it, just enjoy living together!

Member
2707 posts
Sugar bee

@LoveWillLightTheWay:  That’s totally understandable! I’m 27 and my FI is 37 so I get it. I guess I never questioned whether my relationship was moving forward or that my bf wanted to marry me, so I felt no need to have a serious talk about it. If you aren’t sure, then it sounds like you should just be totally honest with him. I  think this is the best policy in general!

Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

As someone who was VERY against living together, I have to agree with the previous posters. For my now fiancé, living together first was what made him propose.  I met him halfway, agreed to live with him until the lease was up with the agreement that I will not renew the lease without a ring–not even a month to month situation.  He proposed four months later :)

Go for it, give it a year, and take comfort knowing you have a very specific timeline in place.  That way, you aren’t a forever girlfriend!  Stick to your guns, and enjoy living with him for awhile.  It took me awhile to adjust to my FI’s quirks and dividing up chores.  Wedding planning is exhausting and stressful enough that I honestly cannot imagine trying to adjust to living together during that time period.

Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee

@LoveWillLightTheWay:  I let my FI know upfront about wanting to get married. I was 30 when I met him and I knew I wanted to get married sooner then later but by no means was I in a rush. I waited about a year after we started dating before seriously talking about marriage. I essentially told him that I wanted to be engaged within 2 years of dating and married no more than a year after that. I think when you know what you want, you should just be upfront and honest with the other person. That way you will know one way or the other where the other person’s head is at. And I wouldn’t move in with him without a discussion about an engagement in the near future, why waste your time living with someone who doesn’t want that kind of commitment. I think too many women move in with their boyfriends thinking that they will be more likely to commit and propose. That’s why you should be upfront about it to him before a lease is signed. My FI and I lived together for a little less than a year before he proposed. So if you know what you want, tell him and it is up to him whether he accepts that or not. Cool

Member
1209 posts
Bumble bee

I just wanted to chime in to say I wouldn’t do it. It’s obvious you don’t want to. I see you moving in feeling bad/guilty about it, that will likely put the stress on him to put a ring on it and that will kill the relationship. 

Just my two cents. 

Member
8853 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@3xaCharm:  Great advice.

A quick glance around the Waiting board (and relationship articles) will tell you that moving in together generally does not make it any more likely for your BF to propose and may even make it less likely he will propose since you are already “playing house.”  If it’s important enough to him for you to move in together and getting engaged is equally important to you then you need to have a state of the union discussion before signing that lease.  I agree with PP that you should give him a year to propose and then keep your mouth shut about getting engaged/married until it’s time to renegotiate the lease.  Definitely be prepared to move out at the end of the lease if he still isn’t sure about proposing after a year of living together; if he’s still not sure by that point then it probably won’t ever happen.

Member
1678 posts
Bumble bee
  • mnp
  • 1 year ago

@luvmesumhim:  Second! @lovelylight99:  Ditto!

I know a couple who moved in together on the grounds that they would be engaged soon; and, 6 mos. into living together, they were engaged.  As long as you’re clear about your needs/wants, I think that living together won’t spell doom for the relationship.

For my own relationship, I stood my ground on not living together first.  DH has not lived with anyone and thought that it was be in his best interest to see how well we live together.  I, on the other hand, have been there and done that.  The level of commitment you have to one another is what makes living together work; and, I needed that. 

Be clear on what you want and need from him and don’t waiver.  I agree with other PPs about waiting for about a year and leaving if nothing happens then.

Member
2246 posts
Buzzing bee

@LoveWillLightTheWay:  SO wanted to move in together before marriage and to be honest.. I did too.

We knew we were going to be married though.

However, I still chose to wait until we were engaged before moving in together. It’s not exactly marriage, but it’s a step closer and it makes me feel a bit better. :)

I think that would be a good compromise for you two. 

Member
564 posts
Busy bee

I agree with @beachbride1216 Moving in together does not ensure an engagment. I know too many people that just got comfortable the way things are and felt no need to take the next step and get married. That being said, living together can work if you simply let your SO know where you stand on living together without being engaged and that getting married is not something you are willing to compromise on. Tell him your thoughts and a timeline and see what he thinks.     if you were to move in with him, when would that be happening? Is there a good amount of time to get engaged before hand? If not then I agree with the others, give him a year and see if he proposes. If not, Find a place of your own. 

BTW I completely get the whole not living together before marriage. My family did not support my choice to move in with my SO and my mom was very disappointed. Now she realizes why I did it and is okay with it 

Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee

@luvmesumhim:  I agree with this.

OP, I would not move in with him, especially since you still have reservations.  I told my FI that I didn’t want to move in with him until we were engaged; we ended up moving in together (in his condo) before that but by then we were so comfortable with each other and knew that we were going to get engaged and married soon that I felt 100% comfortable with it.  My backup plan was to give him a year and if he didn’t propose that I would move out, but soon after I moved in with him it was apparent that I wouldn’t need the backup plan.

There are a lot of cohabitation and quality-of-marriage studies out there.  The data tends to point to only cohabitating when the commitment has been made (i.e. engagement or close to it).

If he is unable to provide the commitment to you that you need, he shouldn’t get the cohabitation he wants.

 

Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee

@LoveWillLightTheWay:  I always told myself that I would not live with a man until we were married (just a personal choice of mine, no offense to people who move in sooner), so when SO asked me to move in with him, it was tough.  I explained why I felt that way and he respected that.  It is something that we discuss every couple of months and in the end, we did compromise.  At one point I convinced myself that I wanted to move in together- he’s saving for a ring and I thought if he paid half the rent and I paid half the rent, he could afford the ring sooner.  I told SO we could move in together, and then my SO told me no!  He said I had reasons for not living with him until we were married and he wanted me to be comfortable and he knew it wasn’t what I really wanted deep down.  And he was right, deep down I didn’t want to live with him yet.  I don’t know if maybe you are in a similar situation.

Our compromise was that we would start living together when we get engaged.  To me, that seems more like meeting in the middle than living together with a timeline for engagement.

From your previous posts, it really seems like this isn’t something that you really want to do.  You talk about feeling like you would lose control of your relationship, that not living together is the only thing you have left.  I wouldn’t move in with your SO until you are engaged- that seems like enough of a compromise to me and it is something you may be more comfortable doing.  If you move in with your SO before you are ready, you may regret it or resent it later.  It could work out if he does propose after you move in together, but what if he doesn’t?  Are you prepared to move in and then move out if he doesn’t propose?  I know this is a tough situation, *Big Hug*

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