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Have you discussed what living together means? I am amazed at the number of women who move in with a man but never discuss the future. If you're thinking this is the path to marriage and he's not, then you have a problem. If you're not ready to discuss marriage, then you're not ready to move in together IMHO. Don't put yourself in the position of living with a guy who has no intention of getting married if getting married is what you want. If he's not ready, don't move in with him!
@lisa105:We have discussed marriage and he has said that he can picture us getting married and having kids together
One thing that we never discussed before moving in together, and I wish we had, was how to divide the house work. FI is very laid back about housework, while I have very specific ways of doing things and what I consider clean. There were quite a few arguments over the proper way to do laundry in the beginning, but we have gotten to the point where clear expectations have been set and we are both pulling our own weight in making sure that part of the house is running smoothly. I think talking about finances and budget, however, is probably the most important thing and a very good first step.
I guessing you've talked about marriage? Do you have any reservations about living together before you're married or before you're engaged? FI moved in together because it was convienent, and I kind of pushed aside my feelings, and I wish I had made it more clear in what I expected. It did lead to some resentment and a lot of arguments later on. Those are the major things I can think of...
I have been living with my FI for 6 months now. I had never lived with another SO before either. Just prepare yourself for the "adjustment" period. Ours lasted 2-3 months, more fights than our usual and at first they were way more heated. We are doing very well with our finances (not rich but he is good with money and we are sitting on a nice amount of savings from what's he's done with some of our money...and no we dont share banks accounts). So if you have finances down you should be fine as long as you stick to your budgets and our honest with eachother.
THe thing I had to get used to were his day to day habits. He can't load a dish in an empty dishwasher to save his life and it still boggles my mind! Oh and he doesn't understand the craft of "rinsing ones dishes" before loading them in! He also uses our kitchen table as a catchall and it drives me crazy! I hate moving sh!t around in order to set the table for dinner. He had a hard time working with the fact the I love to sleep in, might leave a load of laundry unfolded in the dryer for a day, etc... We both gave in alittle in order to make our lives easier. It definately took some time though!
Agree with @courtbu17 about the adjustment period. Moving in together isn't all butterflys and roses...there is a lot of compromise involved. The biggest initial problem with me and FI involved him making a lot of "guy" trips (golfing, fishing, motorcycle trips, etc.) and since I had moved to another state to be with him, I felt a little lonely and left out. Now that I have my own group of friends in town, I don't mind when he goes away...in fact, it's kind of nice to have my own space since we're together all the time ;-)
Things I found most important before moving in together-
what does moving in mean to both of you in terms of relationship status, possibility of future commitment, etc.?
how does each person like the apartment kept and chores divided?
will it be his apartment that you are just staying in and paying half of? what will you do to make it both of yours, if anything?
I've found most things work themselves out fairly quickly. But sometimes you will find a sticking point - such as someone who is really used to their independence getting freaked out, etc, that arises. Good luck!
Yeah, I would say that the Bees have said some pretty good things. Just make sure you are doing it for what you both believe are the right reasons. Make sure you are on the same page about marriage (like, when an engagement should happen, followed by when you're getting married). Check in to make sure you are still on the same page. And the biggest thing I went through, was I felt like I didn't have any "space" there. Like, if I had an issue to confront him with, I had no where to go after the discussion/argument, where I could just decompress - this made me stop speaking up for my needs and ended up making me really resentful. Just be careful, and make sure you want the same things and are proving that through your actions, not just your words :)
The bees have given really good advice so far. I wish we would have talked about and could still agree upon what to do with our "extra stuff". His kitchen stuff was gross and I'm not ready to pass along any of my books. We also ended up with two or more of a lot of things. Deciding between donating things or putting them in storage just in case has been a huge challenge for us.
I moved in with FH on a whim because things got really bad at home for me. We'd been engaged for a year and a half by then, however, and I pretty much lived here, anyway. There was a huge adjustment period where I felt guilty and homesick for leaving, and things were a little tense on and off or about a month. The homesickness faded, and we fell into a routine (though we still argue over who has to clean the catbox, LOL).
Definitely make sure you're on the same page about the important stuff--chores, finances, marriage, etc.
All of this is really good advice! I think dividing up chores and figuring out bills are two extremely difficult issues that can break up marriages - and that's why it's great to live together first to figure out if you work well as a team. Be prepared for things to eventually get a little less sexy! Once you've been around your SO when he's pooping, the dynamics of the relationship totally change.
Honestly, I'd be more concerned about living with a parrot. Man, those things are loud. And messy. And they mimic what you say. AND they live to be 80 years old!
To be honest, in our case at least, we could have discussed things until we were blue in the face and we probably still would have had just as many fights that first year. But you know, I think that while it's important to talk about things like how you want to run your house and your finances, it's also important to go though that together and to have those fights (although not EVERYONE does--but a lot of people do). Fighting--so long as it doesn't kill you--can be a component of intimacy too.
My best advice?
Don't go to bed angry.
i don't think we're the norm at all, but when we moved in together it didn't feel even a little different. one of my friends (who freaked out when she first moved in with her now-husband) was actually mad at me (or seemed like it) for not having any trouble with it. we practically lived together beforehand but both had our own apartments, and when my lease was up it seemed like a giant waste of money to keep both of them. the first 6 months of our official living together was in a 400 square foot studio and i'm telling you, it was the best relationship test ever. if we could still be head over heels for each other in a living situation where if one of us wanted privacy we needed to go in the bathroom (no joke, i used to climb in the empty tub to talk on the phone sometimes), then i knew we were meant to be.
but that said, i wouldn't have moved in if i didn't already know we were headed toward marriage. i didn't need a ring that day (we got engaged just over a year later), but i needed to know (and did) that we were both in this for the long haul. we had discussed money and religion and kids and all that fun stuff too, but not directly because of moving in together, but because we had known for a long time at that point that we were getting married and had been talking about that stuff pretty much from the beginning of our relationship.
@noodlesploosh: Once you've been around your SO when he's pooping, the dynamics of the relationship totally change.
ha, yes! i know a girl who lives with her bf but still won't go to the bathroom in front of him. what??? is this normal? do other people not do this? is this even possible? i'd die! we live in an apartment, there's only one bathroom...one of us is often standing in there hopping from foot to foot while the other is finishing up. TMI? sorry. it's late.
@pb and j: I refuse to go to the bathroom in front of my guy and he in front of me even though we've lived together for almost a year. Once in a while it is necessary to pee, but that is only done if one person is in the shower and turns their head :p
That being said, I have had many a bad hangover with plenty of vomiting in front of him!
That's a really good question to ask and I wish I had answers for you, but I kind of jumped into living with my FI. We met, we went on a date and he moved in (okay, it wasn't that fast, but almost). We'd both lived with other people before and I remember I laid down some rules before he officially moved in. We figured out who would pay what and how it would get paid. He picked up pretty quickly on my way of taking care of things around the house and followed my lead. I'm extremely lucky though in that he is very laid back and happy to do things my way usually. For us the biggest adjustment was that he moved into my apartment so I was always afraid he didn't feel at home. There will be an adjustment period so don't be suprised by that. Also, make sure to talk things out about what your feeling and thinking. Don't let things (even little things) build into a resentment.
I can second what most of the other bees have said. I have been living with my SO for four months (first time for each of us living with a partner). It is SO true about the adjustment period! Actually the first month was a "honeymoon" and months 2 and 3 were a lot of bickering and adjusting to each others styles....we are just now settling into and getting comfy with the routine. We discussed a lot of the major issues before hand, but we still had things to get used to. Some things work out great, like financials, but other things...like me being a clean freak and him being the total opposite...have been super hard. I´ve tried harder and gotten more ok with not having things clean 24/7 or having his clothes lying around (although I still call him out on it) and hes TRIED to be a little more clean and organized. Nothing is perfect but we are happy together. I love it because every night is like a party with him...even just watching a movie together and having a beer seems so much more fun when together.
One thing I WOULD suggest is make your intentions very clear. You said he sees marriage and babies with you...you guys might have different ideas of when. BF and I discussed that living together was a step towards marriage but we didnt discuss when. I figured he would propose within six months, and he was thinking closer to two years down the road! This caused a LOT of unnecessary conflict between us the first several months. Now we are finally more on the same page but not without a lot of uncomfy moments all summer!
I agree with everyone who has talked about housework - my boy is hopeless with cleaning. He just doesnt see mess the same way I do. Get him to commit to doing certain jobs each week and you will save a lot of stress!
I would also talk about your goals in buying a house together. Is that something that is down the track? Once you have moved out of home it is harder to save for a house deposit, and perhaps a few more months at home with you saving as much as you can will give you a good head start. I know we certainly wouldnt have been able to afford our house without the boy having lived at home for 3 years and saving.
And also - remember to take time to still date each other! Once you live together and see each other so often it can go for far too long a time without a proper date. Keep the romance alive!
I would give it a chance. As long as you communicate and are on the same page about things, ya'll will be fine. I have always thought it is important to live with someone before you marry them. We lived together throughout our engagement and we called it our 1st year of marriage. lol it can be an adjustment getting used to how people act 24/7 when stressed, tired, lazy etc. You see it all! But it helped us work out all our little quirks to were we are in a great place now. The most important thing to making it work (and what also tells you wether it will last) is your commitment to each other. When you live together it becomes less about talk and more about action.
Thanks for all the great advice! :)
As far as the whole going to the bathroom discussion that will not be happening, has already come up in convo.
The Parrot- Romeo is trained not to scream, and has learned that if he does he gets put to bed early (covered) or squirted with water, becuase he lives in an apt complex we can't have him making too much noice. As far as being vocal he is not very vocal he often says "hello", and will wave, he can also say "what?", "how are you?", "pretty Bird", "hello Romeo" but most of the time he won't say them. We are working on attempting to get him to use those words but. He can also bark like a dog, cluck like a chicken, dance, rawr like a dinosaur, and will say " hmm" like yoda, he will stick out his tongue at you if you call him a goof ball. so all of his words and noises and actions...I think are sorta cute and not annoying. The screaming can be but usually only happens during a certain time of the day.
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I have been dating my SO of a year now, and we have been discussing moving in together. I currently still live with my parents...which sucks but has allowed me to save some money. He currently has a tiny, 1 bedroom apt that he shares with his pet parrot. I have never lived with a SO before and am a little nervous about it...which he is aware of. (just is in my personaltly to be nervous about a huge commitment, both fincial and emotional). We have already sat down and gone through my budget, and decided how we would pay bills. The only thing that makes me a litlte nervous is during the summer my income is less since im a teacher. We have both agreed to make sure we communicate with the other one if something is bothering us, and have agreed if were living together that there will be times when we will need space, or will be doing seperate things. We currently see each other 2-3 times a week since he lives an hr away, and becuase of this when I'm over we usually spend all our time together, unless I have school work that i need to get done.
What advice do you all have for moving in together that we haven't discussed yet?