(Closed) moving in with your SO

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Have you discussed what living together means?  I am amazed at the number of women who move in with a man but never discuss the future.  If you’re thinking this is the path to marriage and he’s not, then you have a problem.  If you’re not ready to discuss marriage, then you’re not ready to move in together IMHO.  Don’t put yourself in the position of living with a guy who has no intention of getting married if getting married is what you want.  If he’s not ready, don’t move in with him!

Post # 5
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

One thing that we never discussed before moving in together, and I wish we had, was how to divide the house work. FI is very laid back about housework, while I have very specific ways of doing things and what I consider clean. There were quite a few arguments over the proper way to do laundry in the beginning, but we have gotten to the point where clear expectations have been set and we are both pulling our own weight in making sure that part of the house is running smoothly. I think talking about finances and budget, however, is probably the most important thing and a very good first step.

Post # 6
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I guessing you’ve talked about marriage? Do you have any reservations about living together before you’re married or before you’re engaged? FI moved in together because it was convienent, and I kind of pushed aside my feelings, and I wish I had made it more clear in what I expected. It did lead to some resentment and a lot of arguments later on. Those are the major things I can think of…

Post # 7
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I have been living with my FI for 6 months now.  I had never lived with another SO before either.  Just prepare yourself for the “adjustment” period.  Ours lasted 2-3 months, more fights than our usual and at first they were way more heated.  We are doing very well with our finances (not rich but he is good with money and we are sitting on a nice amount of savings from what’s he’s done with some of our money…and no we dont share banks accounts).  So if you have finances down you should be fine as long as you stick to your budgets and our honest with eachother.

THe thing I had to get used to were his day to day habits.  He can’t load a dish in an empty dishwasher to save his life and it still boggles my mind!  Oh and he doesn’t understand the craft of “rinsing ones dishes” before loading them in!  He also uses our kitchen table as a catchall and it drives me crazy!  I hate moving sh!t around in order to set the table for dinner.  He had a hard time working with the fact the I love to sleep in, might leave a load of laundry unfolded in the dryer for a day, etc…  We both gave in alittle in order to make our lives easier.  It definately took some time though!

Post # 8
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Agree with @courtbu17 about the adjustment period.  Moving in together isn’t all butterflys and roses…there is a lot of compromise involved.  The biggest initial problem with me and FI involved him making a lot of “guy” trips (golfing, fishing, motorcycle trips, etc.) and since I had moved to another state to be with him, I felt a little lonely and left out.  Now that I have my own group of friends in town, I don’t mind when he goes away…in fact, it’s kind of nice to have my own space since we’re together all the time 😉

Post # 9
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Things I found most important before moving in together- 

what does moving in mean to both of you in terms of relationship status, possibility of future commitment, etc.?

how does each person like the apartment kept and chores divided? 

will it be his apartment that you are just staying in and paying half of? what will you do to make it both of yours, if anything? 

 

I’ve found most things work themselves out fairly quickly. But sometimes you will find a sticking point – such as someone who is really used to their independence getting freaked out, etc, that arises. Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Yeah, I would say that the Bees have said some pretty good things. Just make sure you are doing it for what you both believe are the right reasons. Make sure you are on the same page about marriage (like, when an engagement should happen, followed by when you’re getting married). Check in to make sure you are still on the same page. And the biggest thing I went through, was I felt like I didn’t have any “space” there. Like, if I had an issue to confront him with, I had no where to go after the discussion/argument, where I could just decompress – this made me stop speaking up for my needs and ended up making me really resentful. Just be careful, and make sure you want the same things and are proving that through your actions, not just your words 🙂

Post # 11
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

The bees have given really good advice so far.  I wish we would have talked about and could still agree upon what to do with our “extra stuff”.  His kitchen stuff was gross and I’m not ready to pass along any of my books.  We also ended up with two or more of a lot of things.  Deciding between donating things or putting them in storage just in case has been a huge challenge for us. 

Post # 12
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I moved in with FH on a whim because things got really bad at home for me. We’d been engaged for a year and a half by then, however, and I pretty much lived here, anyway. There was a huge adjustment period where I felt guilty and homesick for leaving, and things were a little tense on and off or about a month. The homesickness faded, and we fell into a routine (though we still argue over who has to clean the catbox, LOL).

Definitely make sure you’re on the same page about the important stuff–chores, finances, marriage, etc.

Post # 13
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

All of this is really good advice! I think dividing up chores and figuring out bills are two extremely difficult issues that can break up marriages – and that’s why it’s great to live together first to figure out if you work well as a team. Be prepared for things to eventually get a little less sexy! Once you’ve been around your SO when he’s pooping, the dynamics of the relationship totally change.

Honestly, I’d be more concerned about living with a parrot. Man, those things are loud. And messy. And they mimic what you say. AND they live to be 80 years old!

Post # 14
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

To be honest, in our case at least, we could have discussed things until we were blue in the face and we probably still would have had just as many fights that first year. But you know, I think that while it’s important to talk about things like how you want to run your house and your finances, it’s also important to go though that together and to have those fights (although not EVERYONE does–but a lot of people do). Fighting–so long as it doesn’t kill you–can be a component of intimacy too.

My best advice?

Don’t go to bed angry.

Post # 15
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i don’t think we’re the norm at all, but when we moved in together it didn’t feel even a little different. one of my friends (who freaked out when she first moved in with her now-husband) was actually mad at me (or seemed like it) for not having any trouble with it. we practically lived together beforehand but both had our own apartments, and when my lease was up it seemed like a giant waste of money to keep both of them. the first 6 months of our official living together was in a 400 square foot studio and i’m telling you, it was the best relationship test ever. if we could still be head over heels for each other in a living situation where if one of us wanted privacy we needed to go in the bathroom (no joke, i used to climb in the empty tub to talk on the phone sometimes), then i knew we were meant to be.

but that said, i wouldn’t have moved in if i didn’t already know we were headed toward marriage. i didn’t need a ring that day (we got engaged just over a year later), but i needed to know (and did) that we were both in this for the long haul. we had discussed money and religion and kids and all that fun stuff too, but not directly because of moving in together, but because we had known for a long time at that point that we were getting married and had been talking about that stuff pretty much from the beginning of our relationship.

Post # 16
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@noodlesploosh: Once you’ve been around your SO when he’s pooping, the dynamics of the relationship totally change.

ha, yes! i know a girl who lives with her bf but still won’t go to the bathroom in front of him. what??? is this normal? do other people not do this? is this even possible? i’d die! we live in an apartment, there’s only one bathroom…one of us is often standing in there hopping from foot to foot while the other is finishing up. TMI? sorry. it’s late.

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