Moving out but staying together.

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’ll admit, when I read the title I already had my response planned out. My FI (boyfriend at the time) and I lived together for 9 months, before I asked him to move out until the end of the lease was up. I needed space, and I needed to gather my thoughts and regroup. I just felt like we were in a rutt and although we didn’t fight a lot, it just seemed like we were disagreeing about the same few things over and over. A few months of not living together helped save our relationship. We had a LOT of meaningful conversations about what was important and how we could make our relationship be in a better place. We both realized we did not want to go through life without eachother. However, we did not have the trials and tribulations you guys have had.. So now I am second guessing my initial response to you.. I think it COULD work, but it’s really hard to regain trust. If you’re going to try and make it work, take the time to really work on building your relationship back up. Get rid of the tempations of texting old boyfriends, or being in compromising situations that you know will stir up problems in your relationship. If it’s meant to be, you will both find it in your hearts to do everything you can to fix this. Good luck!

Post # 3
42135 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Carliej01:  I suggest you start therapy by yourself. You need help to explore why you sabotage your relationship the way you do.

Post # 4
2082 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Carliej01:  Oh boy. Normally I would say its a big step back in a relationship and it would be almost impossible to move forward from. But in this case I think it’s probably for the best and may be too late for saving. He may say he wants to stay together but there’s a reason he asked you to move out. It may be that he doesn’t have the balls to break it off entirely yet so he’s starting small. Either way it’s not a good sign. Definitely try to figure out why you are sabotaging your relationship. I think you may have blown it with this guy. 

Post # 5
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

I may be wrong but this doesn’t sound like a real post.  Spoof alert?



Post # 6
1164 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Carliej01:  I agree with what the others have said. I think it’s best at this point to move out like he has requested and give him space. Until he says otherwise, treat your relationship with respect by not texting other guys. This will only make him trust you less. Unfortunately, if he still can’t trust you from an issue that happened so long ago, it’s not likely that he ever will 100%. It’s hard to regain trust once it is gone. So if he decides to break things off, just learn from your mistakes once you start a new relationship. Even if you move out and get back together, I foresee things ending down the road regardless. You just cannot have a relationship without trust. 

Post # 7
858 posts
Busy bee

I don’t get what the texting has to do with your relationship now unless you’ve lied since that point? Surely you’ve proven yourself in the last year unless you haven’t told us something. I don’t think it’s fair to hold that over your head. 

The dancing and drinking drama is separate and silly. My dh and I have had fights before (never hit the town without each other) but it wouldn’t be taken to the extreme of moving out. 

It sounds like he wants to break up but doesn’t have the guts. I would ask him what’s really going on and where you stand. If it were me I wouldn’t want to be in limbo. Moving out and separating your belongings and life is like a break up. I can only say from my perspective, if this was my relationship it would feel like an extremely serious step to take and would cause me a lot of hurt and confusion. 

Post # 8
4878 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I moved out & called off the wedding years ago without breaking up with Dh.  But . . . it wasn’t about this kind of acting out drama.  I just wasn’t ready to get married.

Dh is a very patient man & neither of us ever did anything to violate trust.  Eventually, I felt ready & we got married & we’re very happy.

So, technically it is possible.  In OP’s case, I don’t know.  I definitely second julies1949 suggestion about OP getting into individual therapy.

Post # 9
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013


Carliej01:  Maybe you are not ready for a monogamous relationship? You are allowed to date multiple guys if you are not in a relationship.

Post # 10
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Fwiw, my parents broke up completely for three months. 30 later they’re happier than ever and said the breakup was actually what helped them mature to where they needed to be. 

I do agree with pp, though. You need to work on being in a relationship and doing things from a “we” perspective, whether that is texting inappropriately (is this text good for us?), deciding when/where to go and when to call it a night (compromise!) etc. 

Post # 11
5160 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Carliej01:  I’d move out and break up entirely, then spend some time working on yourself.

You two may end up back together, and either way having taken some time to understand your own needs/behaviors/possible self sabatoge will make any future relationship stronger.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by  .
Post # 12
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Carliej01:  I hate to say it but if you can’t stand each other, or there’s this much static, moving out won’t do much. Because, I’m assuming you eventually want to marry this guy. You usually live with your spouse or fiance. So I’m going to say here that if it’s not working now it’s not going to work in the future.

You sound like you’re not ready for the kind of relationship he’s ready for– texting former flames inappropriately sounds like your heart wasn’t totally in it, and him wanting to go home because he’s just tired is a reasonable explanation. But you wanted to stay out dancing.

It doesn’t sound to me like you’re growing in the same direction. So really, if you feel like you want to give it a try, keep dating after you move out, but if my then boyfriend, now fiance had told me he didn’t want me living with him anymore, I’d be crushed. It sounds a lot like a non-committal breakup.

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