Post # 1
Son the bf and I have been together for nearly a year and a half, and coming up mid September will be the one year mark for living together. We met on match.com and hit things off very hot and heavy at first. Physically we were practically made for each other. But we also used to have so much fun just doing things together. We would party together, hit the gym together, and do all sorts of daily activities together. Well now we live together and we still do those things but things have definitely happened between us that have pushed us apart. When we first started dating we used to always tell each other that we wanted to marry each other. We were both just so certain things were right so early. But I messed things up. When we had been dating for only a couple of months, I was home alone one night (prior to us living together) and I began texting one of my old bootycalls inappropriately. My bf found out and was devastates. Even though nothing happened beyond texting, my bf still to this day doubts my honesty. We were able to move past that together and our relationship became more serious with us moving in together. Well about a week ago, we went out for dinner and drinks and some dancing. When he decided he wanted to go home, I wasn’t ready. I was having a good time and wanted to stay out. I left anyway and threw a drunken hissy fit for the 2 block ride home. When we got home, he lied down in bed and I lied down on the couch. As I was falling asleep, he storms out of the apartment without saying a word. I text jphim to see what his deal was, and his reply was I can’t be around you. So I left, and went back out, met up with a friend and stayed out until the wee hours of the morning… When I got home we had a huge blow out fight and thing between us were awful for the next couple of days. We finally talked and made up, but now he doesn’t want to live with me anymore. We’re finishing out our lease, and then he wants us to each find our own place, but he wants us to stay together. I understand that thing aren’t good between us, and that I’ve made terrible mistakes, but I do love him. I’ve offered trying couples therapy or anything to try to make it work. I just don’t see how we can move forward with a relationship when we’re basically ending the life we have together to go live new separate lives.
Is there any chance for this relationship? Has anyone ever taken a huge step back that ended up beneficial for your relationship? I know I’ve made mistakes, but I’m tryingto make the right choices now to change my negative behaviors by looking into therapy. I’m so hurt and confused.
Post # 2
I’ll admit, when I read the title I already had my response planned out. My FI (boyfriend at the time) and I lived together for 9 months, before I asked him to move out until the end of the lease was up. I needed space, and I needed to gather my thoughts and regroup. I just felt like we were in a rutt and although we didn’t fight a lot, it just seemed like we were disagreeing about the same few things over and over. A few months of not living together helped save our relationship. We had a LOT of meaningful conversations about what was important and how we could make our relationship be in a better place. We both realized we did not want to go through life without eachother. However, we did not have the trials and tribulations you guys have had.. So now I am second guessing my initial response to you.. I think it COULD work, but it’s really hard to regain trust. If you’re going to try and make it work, take the time to really work on building your relationship back up. Get rid of the tempations of texting old boyfriends, or being in compromising situations that you know will stir up problems in your relationship. If it’s meant to be, you will both find it in your hearts to do everything you can to fix this. Good luck!
Post # 3
Carliej01: I suggest you start therapy by yourself. You need help to explore why you sabotage your relationship the way you do.
Post # 4
Carliej01: Oh boy. Normally I would say its a big step back in a relationship and it would be almost impossible to move forward from. But in this case I think it’s probably for the best and may be too late for saving. He may say he wants to stay together but there’s a reason he asked you to move out. It may be that he doesn’t have the balls to break it off entirely yet so he’s starting small. Either way it’s not a good sign. Definitely try to figure out why you are sabotaging your relationship. I think you may have blown it with this guy.
Post # 5
I may be wrong but this doesn’t sound like a real post. Spoof alert?
Post # 6
Carliej01: I agree with what the others have said. I think it’s best at this point to move out like he has requested and give him space. Until he says otherwise, treat your relationship with respect by not texting other guys. This will only make him trust you less. Unfortunately, if he still can’t trust you from an issue that happened so long ago, it’s not likely that he ever will 100%. It’s hard to regain trust once it is gone. So if he decides to break things off, just learn from your mistakes once you start a new relationship. Even if you move out and get back together, I foresee things ending down the road regardless. You just cannot have a relationship without trust.
Post # 7
I don’t get what the texting has to do with your relationship now unless you’ve lied since that point? Surely you’ve proven yourself in the last year unless you haven’t told us something. I don’t think it’s fair to hold that over your head.
The dancing and drinking drama is separate and silly. My dh and I have had fights before (never hit the town without each other) but it wouldn’t be taken to the extreme of moving out.
It sounds like he wants to break up but doesn’t have the guts. I would ask him what’s really going on and where you stand. If it were me I wouldn’t want to be in limbo. Moving out and separating your belongings and life is like a break up. I can only say from my perspective, if this was my relationship it would feel like an extremely serious step to take and would cause me a lot of hurt and confusion.
Post # 8
I moved out & called off the wedding years ago without breaking up with Dh. But . . . it wasn’t about this kind of acting out drama. I just wasn’t ready to get married.
Dh is a very patient man & neither of us ever did anything to violate trust. Eventually, I felt ready & we got married & we’re very happy.
So, technically it is possible. In OP’s case, I don’t know. I definitely second julies1949 suggestion about OP getting into individual therapy.
Post # 9
Carliej01: Maybe you are not ready for a monogamous relationship? You are allowed to date multiple guys if you are not in a relationship.
Post # 10
Fwiw, my parents broke up completely for three months. 30 later they’re happier than ever and said the breakup was actually what helped them mature to where they needed to be.
I do agree with pp, though. You need to work on being in a relationship and doing things from a “we” perspective, whether that is texting inappropriately (is this text good for us?), deciding when/where to go and when to call it a night (compromise!) etc.
Post # 11
Carliej01: I’d move out and break up entirely, then spend some time working on yourself.
You two may end up back together, and either way having taken some time to understand your own needs/behaviors/possible self sabatoge will make any future relationship stronger.
Post # 12
Carliej01: I hate to say it but if you can’t stand each other, or there’s this much static, moving out won’t do much. Because, I’m assuming you eventually want to marry this guy. You usually live with your spouse or fiance. So I’m going to say here that if it’s not working now it’s not going to work in the future.
You sound like you’re not ready for the kind of relationship he’s ready for– texting former flames inappropriately sounds like your heart wasn’t totally in it, and him wanting to go home because he’s just tired is a reasonable explanation. But you wanted to stay out dancing.
It doesn’t sound to me like you’re growing in the same direction. So really, if you feel like you want to give it a try, keep dating after you move out, but if my then boyfriend, now fiance had told me he didn’t want me living with him anymore, I’d be crushed. It sounds a lot like a non-committal breakup.