Post # 1
Hi bees, I know I’m not very active on here but I’m looking for some support…
My FI and I are both Christian and both each other’s first SO’s. Um… we have been dating for almost 2.5 yrs and eventually failed miserably in the whole ‘purity’ department (I hate that term…). For the past year we have been crashing at each others houses (we both live with our parents – they were okay with it) – essentially living together, and sexually active for the past 6 months or so.
We justified it to ourselves by saying that since a marriage is recognized when its just the paper signed, no ceremony, and also when there is just a ceremony and no paper signing, that as long as we were commited to each other we were basically “married”.
We started pre-marital counseling through our church last week, and in the 3 week run up to that we realized that we would have to tell them (its a husband and wife team) our situation (living together and having sex). This prompted a bunch of discussion about it between us and we decided that it would be for the best if I moved back to my dad’s house (in Dec his family moved and we were living in the basement suite of their new place – this is where we will live after we are married) and we stopped all sexual contact until the wedding.
I’ve been staying at my dad’s place since last night (April 1st) and I miss him so so much. I slept with my face buried in one of his shirts and fell asleep imagining he was holding me :'(
I think these are going to be both the longest 4 months of my life so far… but also the shortest and all the wedding planning needs to fall into place.
Anyone been through something similar? Have any advice/tips/whatever? Random thoughts?
My dad and sis think that it is ridiculous and a stupid idea, my mum thinks that it was good that we were living together and wishes we would wait and get married years down the road (can you tell that my family is not christian?), and his sister thinks that I’ll be back living other there within a month….
Not terribly encouraging.
any thoughts people?
Post # 3
I think you should really do whatever you and your fiancé are comfortable with, not changing all of your beliefs because of peer pressure to what other people want you to do.
Post # 4
@EmeraldTiger: Oh man. I know it must be so hard for you. I’ve been living with my SO for a couple months and I housesat for my godmother the past week. It. Was. Torture. I always thought people who said they can’t sleep without their SO in bed were a little crazy and possibly codependant. Nope. I have woken up multiple times every night. 🙁
That said… I think it’s kind of awesome that you moved out before the wedding. You will miss sleeping with him but you’ll LOOOOVE having that again after the wedding. You’ll cherish your time together until then and with all the wedding stress that’s bound to happen, you’ll have seperate space! I think it’s great. Hang in there. It’s only 4 months and then you’ll have the rest of your life!
Post # 5
I believe you should hold on! Its tough when you love someone and want to give the your all but as Christians we need to remember that we have to be self controlled. as @lia said What is 4 months compared to the rest of your lives? I believe you can do it 😉
Post # 6
Best wishes. You can do it! The best part about being a Christian is that every day is a do-over. No need to focus on, as you put it, your previous “failing miserably.” Just resolve to do the right thing from here on out. You will be blessed for it, without a doubt.
Post # 7
Thanks for the encouragement guys 🙂 its awesome to hear/read…. I really need it.
Most of our friends don’t technically know that we were living together (although I’m sure some of them guessed – one was wondering what on earth I was doing at my dad’s place and seemed very confused/surprised when I told him “living”). So with friends not tschnically knowing, my family telling me that we are being silly and that we weren’t doing anything wrong (not to mention the frequent teasing/attacks on my faith), and his sister thinking that I’ll be living back there within a month… We don’t really have much support in real life. 🙁
His mum is awesome and super supportive :), but that’s about it…
@ash064: the only peer pressure really is from my family to “not be stupid” and just go and live with him. The decision to live separately until the wedding was one the two of us made together before we started the premarital counseling. It just… Sucks is all…
We both have slightly different reasons for it – for me, I want to show my family that we live differently to the world – salt and light and all that jazz. I’m hoping it starts some conversations and that I can plant some seeds and make them think.
For him, he was a youth leader at our church (he stepped down from the leadership position yesterday). And he felt that it was impacting his leadership, and he hated having to live a “double life” and tell his youth (grade 12’s) that I wasn’t living with him when I was.
And for both of us – we want to have a relationship that is founded in God. And also want the wedding night to be special(er), as well as to be able to tell people where we live without humming and hawwing and whatnot. and also, this allows us time to be able to grow in our individual walks with God.
Post # 8
This is awesome. My church has refused to marry me for the same reasons…well and because I refuse to pay for a seperate apartment since my parents and other family don’t have room to host a grown woman.
I wish they did because being shunned in this way by my own pastor is super hard to take. I am having my grandparents (much more lax) pastor do the ceremony and trying to do the best I can with getting past it. It’s not easy, I have been going to this man’s church since I was six years old and every wedding dream I ever had he was in it performing the ceremony 🙁 Sucks.
I wish you the best and hope you will read my story and understand why you need to stay strong, it’s worth it and will be wonderful in the end. 🙂
Post # 9
Sorry, but i agree with your Dad and sister. The damage is done. Moving away from each other isn’t going to erase what already happened. Is this stress you really need 4 months before your wedding? You are happy when you live with him, so I would do that.
Post # 10
@MrsTVLover: What “damage”?? You mean us not being virgins anymore? That’s hardly a good reason to continue doing something that perhaps should be stopped… “oh look, I just hurt someone… Oh well, the damage is done… *stab* *stab* *stab*”. No. People don’t do that.
Although, yes, we did continue for quite a while… But we also believe in forgiveness and that repentance actually means something.
While the moving out sucks SOOO badly on a “FI-&-me” level, it’s also very relieving on a “us-&-the-world” level. we don’t have to lie to people anymore, or avoid their questions. It’s freeing to actually mean what we say.
Post # 11
@EmeraldTiger: I don’t think personally I would ever even consider doing that but you need to do what’s best for you, no matter what other people think about it
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
I personally don’t get the point, but then again I’ve grown up in fairly liberal churches and us living together was not an issue at all for our minister. If this is important to you, you just need to stand your ground and remind yourself why you are doing this. Just because you dad and siter (and I) don’t really think this makes much sense doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have meaning for you.
Post # 13
@EmeraldTiger: If you and your fiance have agreed to have this time of separation, then stick to it. You’ll both be happier when you get to the wedding, and it sets a good tone of being able to do hard things together. Good basis for a strong marriage when the storms come.
Think about what story you’d like to be able to tell your children some day, too.
Post # 14
@EmeraldTiger: I was thinking about posting a thread very similar to this… maybe I will because my rant will be sooooo long…Just know I feel your pain 🙁
Post # 15
Ahh… thank you all for the support… 🙂
We have both succeded and failed a little bit so far 😛
We simply removed access to condoms… so we have succeded at not having sex… however I stay at his place on the weekends (I know… bad idea. But neither of us have a car and 1.5hr bus trip twice a day on the weekends is excessive…) and although the couches are really really comfy, we are getting worse at actually using the couch and not sleeping in our bed… 🙁
I think we might just have a chat and pick a day and make it a hard and fast line – “no sleeping together after XX day”. Problem is that once we say “just this once” it is WAYYYY too easy to say it again….. and then again.
Also our premarital counseling is on weeknights near his place…. so there is NO way I can get back to my place after that. Se even if we did stop staying over on weekends I’d still be stuck at his palce at least once a week….
Post # 16
@EmeraldTiger: removing condoms? That seems like a precarious position if you ever do slip up. I understand you feel guilt towards your religious community, but were you carrying guilt with your sexuality? I’m trying to understand- do you think sex after marriage will feel better or more pure?